


Monsters

by andthatisterrible



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Set after theoretical season 3 i guess, psychological trauma and all, this one is gonna be kind of dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-17 04:12:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 69,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5853712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthatisterrible/pseuds/andthatisterrible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over a year has passed since the events at the end of season 2. The final battle has been fought and the survivors have moved on with their lives, picking up the pieces as best they can. Carmilla has withdrawn from the world, isolating herself as far from her former companions as possible. But when a face from the past shows up on her doorstep one night she has no choice but to find herself pulled back into the events that sent her fleeing in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Death's Other Kingdom

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Needles, blood (there will be a lot of blood in this story, consider yourself warned)
> 
> It starts out a little slow, stick with me, folks. It's for a reason.
> 
> Characters will be tagged when they appear.

_Those who have crossed_  
_With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom_  
_Remember us-if at all-not as lost_  
_Violent souls, but only_  
_As the hollow men_

_-The Hollow Men, T. S. Eliot_

 

 

Carmilla woke up to blinding white light and the smell of the ocean.

There was that moment of panic that came every time she awoke (her hand reaching out, clutching at the rumpled white sheets, half-sitting up to look all around), before she fell back onto the pillows (also white) and exhaled a breath, letting the inevitability of consciousness roll over her.

The thin, filmy white curtains blew in the ocean breeze, dancing over the far side of the bed closer to the wall. There was no glass in the windows here, it never got cold enough for that, but the bars ran from the top to the bottom of each tall window, reaching deeply into the solid walls. Long ago they'd served a purpose, but now they were only a reminder.

Carmilla sat up slowly, blinking in the rays of sunlight that danced across the bed in time with the curtains fluttering. Nocturnal as she was she didn't really _like_ the sun (though she could tolerate it without bursting into flames like some silly vampire in fiction), but sleeping here in this room it was hard not to be woken up when it hit her in the face every morning.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and rested her feet on the polished wooden floor. There were still stains on parts of the wood, all the sanding and polishing over the years hadn't managed to get them out completely, but she'd moved the bed into this corner over the worst of them. She wanted to remember, but sometimes there was too much to bring back at once.

Sluggishly, she climbed to her feet, stretching lazily, her white tank top pulling up enough from the wasitline of her white cotton pants to show off a pale line of skin. She ran a hand back through her hair, scratching at her scalp and glanced around the room, unsure what she was looking for.

White walls (the paint covering past horrors), white ceiling (very high with a couple light fixtures built in), wood floor, bare of decorations or character. The bed in the corner by the windows was the only piece of furniture here. She could have done something with the room, she knew. It had long ceased to be used for its original purposes and perhaps a fresh start would have made it a decent place again.

She hadn't been able to bring herself to change anything beyond putting a bed in, though, and doubted she ever would.

She padded across the wood floor and pushed open the heavy, metal door, running an eye over the unused locks and bars on the outside. There was always a tiny glimmer of fear that someone, somehow would break in to the place in the middle of the night and lock her in, but it had been nearly a year and no one had even stepped on the property. Well, almost no one.

She ate breakfast (if you could call a mug of blood breakfast) in the alcove off the kitchen, sitting on a stool by the small, high table next to the window to peer out at the ocean. There were a few boats out there today, probably some people fishing, maybe a few rich tourists going for a joy ride.

She thought about taking her boat out tonight, letting it drift in the still dark waters, lying down in the back of it with nothing but the sky above her, but she knew she wouldn't. She'd only done that once since she'd come back here and it had disturbed her deeply for some reason she couldn't identify so she was shying away from trying it again no matter how much she yearned for the feelings wrapped up in the old memories of bathing in the starlight.

She couldn't look at the stars anymore.

It was a quiet day, a simple day. She changed into clothes almost identical to the ones she'd slept in, pillaging the vast closet in the otherwise unused master bedroom upstairs. The house was silent except for the creaks and mutters that accompanied all such old buildings. Later she walked down to the beach, sat on her rock, and read for a few hours, her sunglasses half-down her nose to let her see the words more clearly. She'd had to switch to an e-reader since it was so damn hard to get physical goods delivered to the island.

From time to time she'd pause in the middle of her reading, reaching down to sift through the sun-warmed sand with her fingers, shutting her eyes and listening to the sound of the small waves crashing on the shore, smelling the salty tang of the ocean. It was soothing to get lost in the sensations, to let her mind go blank. Here, in this place, nothing seemed real. There was a great deal of comfort in that.

When it started getting dark she flipped the cover of the reader shut and headed back up the beach and to the back steps of the huge house she was now existing in (to say she was living in it or residing in it sounded wrong to her). Emptiness, the rooms bathed in twilight, greeted her. She had the fleeting thought again that she should do _something_ to make the place less barren, but that would mean she was staking a claim on it, putting down roots.

She needed to be able to leave even if she knew she wouldn't.

She moved through the silent house, pausing to glance out one of the front windows at the empty road outside. Her house (mansion, really) was the last in the row of huge, spaced out properties. Most of the others were abandoned now, falling into disrepair. There'd been a tourist boom here at some point and rich folks had built luxury houses to come stay in part of the year, but transportation to the island was hard and there wasn't much to offer in the small towns scattered across the island so most owners had given up and left.

The road outside wasn't paved, it was only a wide dirt track that someone came and maintained from time to time. She didn't even know who paid for that. The way the funds were all set up _she_ might even be the one paying for it without ever knowing. Mother had left everything in such a confusing maze of paperwork and accounts.

She turned away and headed back into the kitchen to drink another mug of blood for dinner, this time sitting on the counter and staring blankly at the wall while she sipped. If she hadn't been immortal she'd have felt like she was wasting her life away, letting day after day slip by in endless repetition of meaningless activities. She existed here, nothing more, waiting for something. Maybe waiting for the world outside to change enough that she could no longer recognize it.

And it hadn't even been a year yet.

The banging noise from the other room made her jump, shocking her to her core, because the entire time she'd been here, both long ago and more recently, she'd never heard this noise before.

 _Someone's knocking on the door_ , she realized.

It must have been someone from the village, an emergency perhaps? But why come here?

She slid off the counter, putting her mug down, and moved hesitantly through the hallway towards the large front door. Some part of her (the part she tried to forget) was eager for the contact, dying for anything to break the pattern of endless days. Some other part of her was terrified by everything that knocking could represent. That hiding from the world was impossible.

She opened the door, a massive wooden hulk of a thing, and stared at the figure standing in the fading light on the long front porch.

“Hi,” they said, looking uncertainly at her.

“You.” It was the only word she could manage. It had been so long since she'd spoken out loud that she'd had to remember how to do it and frankly been unsure her voice would even work.

“Me.” They thrust their hands into their pockets and rocked back on their heels, looking nervous. “Long time no see, Karnstein.”

LaFontaine looked different from the last time Carmilla had seen them, they'd lost some weight, but not in a healthy way, their face drawn and haggard.

“Why are you here?” She could think of two reasons LaFontaine would show up on her doorstep, one reason she didn't want to deal with and the other…. The other reason was why she was here in the first place. “Also, _how_ are you here?”

LaFontaine grimaced. “Yeah, that part wasn't easy. We charted a boat to take us here, but the crossing was pretty rough and it took what felt like a lifetime.”

“We?” Who had she brought? Carmilla felt panic choking her throat.

“Yeah, uh, about that. I was hoping I could convince you to come back to the ship with me.” They rocked onto their toes, trying to peer over her shoulder into the darkened house. Carmilla slid fully out onto the porch and shut the door firmly behind her. Having LaFontaine here on her island was bad enough. She had to keep things separate. This was her last refuge.

“And why would I ever want to do that?” She leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, regarding them through narrowed eyes.

“There's something you really need to see. It won't take very long, I promise. You just, you need to see. It's why I'm here.” They looked past her again but their eyes were unfocused, staring at something she couldn't see. “It's why I'm here when I _really_ need to be somewhere else right now.”

Carmilla let out a sigh that was a little more exasperated than necessary to make it clear that this was a huge _bother_ to her.

“What's in it for me, lab rat?” She couldn't deny she was curious, but curiosity was one of those things she'd suppressed so firmly this last year that the feeling was odd.

“Uh, I have a huge supply of blood bags on the ship in a refrigerated compartment. You could take a bunch of those for yourself here. It's probably a pain to get blood out in the middle of nowhere.” They frowned. “Unless of course you're eating people, which now that I think of it, of course you are.”

“I love it when people show up on my doorstep uninvited and make assumptions about my life,” Carmilla said. “And why do you have a ship full of blood? What the frilly hell have you been up to?”

_And where did they get it? It's not legal and that means money and this one never had much in the way of cash. Not that amount, anyway._

“That's...you'll understand when you see.” Their face was set and Carmilla could tell that was all she was going to get out of them.

“This had better be worth my while.” She tilted her head to one side, considering them. “I'll go but after I see whatever mysterious thing this is you so desperately need me to see you have to leave. Immediately. You're not welcome here.”

LaFontaine shrugged. “Let's talk about that after you see.”

Carmilla sighed and pushed off the doorframe. “Let me get some shoes.” She pushed the door back open but waved LaFontaine off when they tried to follow her back in. “Oh, no. You wait out here.”

“Really?”

Carmilla smirked at them and that felt weird, too, her face unused to expressions now. She shut the door firmly behind her and went through the house and up the stairs to where she kept the clothing in the master bedroom. She took her time; the ginger nerd was invading her privacy here so they could sit and wait.

She didn't wear shoes much anymore (only on the rare occasions she went into town), but she found a pair of loose sandals the seemed to fit and carried them back downstairs. LaFontaine was sitting on one of the porch railing when she got back outside, peering off into the darkness.

“It's really quiet here,” they said. “Other than the crickets and stuff.”

“It was until you showed up.” Carmilla slipped the sandals on, buckling them carefully. “Okay, where to?”

“The boat that took me to shore is parked, uh parked? Anchored? Whatevered. At a dock in the town down the road. The ship I came on is about ten minutes off shore. You don't seem to have a car?”

Carmilla snorted. “What in the world would I need a car for?”

“Oh, true. Vampire speed.”

_No, I just don't go anywhere._

“I guess we're walking then,” Carmilla said and set off down the steps, not waiting to see if they followed her. She thought about running full speed down to the dock and waiting for them there with a smug look on her face, but the waiting part sounded boring and while walking with them wasn't necessarily entertaining it was marginally better than sitting around twiddling her thumbs.

“You, uh, you look different,” LaFontaine ventured after a few minutes of walking in silence.

“Do I?”

“Well, you're wearing all white. And sandals. It's not really the gothic punk chic you were rocking before.”

“And you look like your best friend just died or something. Can we be done with talking about this now?” She was surprised at LaFontaine's reaction to her words: they paled noticeably and almost tripped.

_Did Perry…?_

It was none of her concern.

“You're still an asshole. I guess some things don't change.” They sounded mad now and that was almost a relief. Carmilla understood mad.

“I guess not.”

The town was starting to shut down for the night, people locking up the doors of their shops and hurrying home. It was a small enough town that almost no one drove; cars were more of a hassle than a commodity here and gas was limited and expensive.

The people who passed them mostly avoided making eye contact, glancing pointedly away. Carmilla grimaced but wasn't surprised. She couldn't blame them for the way they treated her. LaFontaine cast a questioning look at her (which she made a point of ignoring) but didn't ask otherwise.

_The rumors about this will probably keep the gossip-mill here fed for weeks._

“This way,” LaFontaine said, turning down a street towards the ocean. Carmilla followed them silently, hands casually stuffed in the pockets of her pants.

They led her down onto the town docks, a maze of wooden piling crammed with boats of all shapes and sizes. Fishing was the closest thing to an industry here, and more than an industry it was the main source of food other than the scant amount of crops that flourished and the irregular imports. Carmilla immediately spotted the boat they were headed for because it stood out amongst the others. It was a bit battered, but sleek and industrial looking.

A bored looking man was standing at the wheel of the boat watching them approach.

“This her?” he asked LaFontaine.

“Yeah, we'd like to go back now, please.”

The man shrugged and gestured into the bed of the boat with a thumb. “Jump on then.”

Carmilla climbed into the boat and leaned against the side near the back, enjoying the feeling of being back on the ocean. She'd missed the gentle sway of the waves rocking up and down.

_I really need to try taking my boat out again sometime._

The boat driver untied the boat from the pier, started the engine, and pointed them out into the water. In the distance Carmilla could already see the lights of a larger ship out a little ways.

“You don't get sea-sick do you?” LaFontaine half-yelled over the sound of the engine.

Carmilla rolled her eyes at them. “No.”

“I was wondering if, you know, people like you can get sea-sick at all.”

_Well, they're still overly nosy and inquisitive about things that are none of their business._

She chose to ignore LaFontaine and focus on eying the ship they were rapidly approaching. She didn't know a lot about ships, only enough to handle the small motorboat she owned, but it looked mid-sized. Maybe? Definitely not a passenger ship.

“How did you get them to bring you here?” she called back to LaFontaine, glancing at the driver out of the corner of her eye to see if he had any reaction. He didn't.

“That's complicated.”

“Fine.”

All this mysterious dancing around the truth was getting annoying.

When they reached the ship the driver cut the engine and let the boat drift up to the side where a metal ladder was hanging down.

“I'll be waiting here,” he told LaFontaine. They nodded at him.

_Expecting it to be a short visit. Good._

She went up the ladder first, enjoying the feel of muscles she hadn't used in months pulling and straining as she reached the top and pulled herself up onto the deck. A very unhappy-looking man stood at the top, glaring sullenly at her. Carmilla regarded him silently, smiling in a way she hoped was disconcerting.

“Is she really going to be able to deal with...that thing?” the man asked LaFontaine when they staggered onto the deck next to her.

“Yeah, she's kind of an expert,” LaFontaine said, shooting Carmilla a look that begged her not to ask any questions.

“Well, hurry up, I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to.” The man pulled at the collar of his jacket.

“You've been paid to stay as long as I need you to,” LaFontaine said, their voice rising slightly.

“Just get it off my ship!” the man hissed and stormed away.

“It?” Carmilla asked, raising an eyebrow at her companion.

“You'll see in a minute. This way.”

They led her down into the ship, deeper and deeper, only passing a few sailors on the way who glanced at her curiously but made no move to interact at all. They finally reached a level that must have been close to the bottom and was dark and a bit dusty. There were footprints in the dust on the floor, she was guessing LaFontaine's.

They stopped in front of a metal door on one of the inner walls of the ship. It looked solid enough, but parts of it were uneven, pushed forward, like something heavy had been slammed into it from the other side. There was a small window at eye level with a metal panel slid over it to block the view.

“Look inside,” LaFontaine said, gesturing to the panel. “But, uh, be careful. She's fast.”

_She?_

This was sounding more and more like trouble. The kind she didn't want.

_Is it Perry? Did Mother somehow…?_

She reached up and gingerly slid the metal door on the window to one side, peering into the interior.

It took her eyes a moment to adjust since the lighting inside was very dim, a single light on the ceiling casting shadows over a large, mostly empty room. Mostly empty. There was a figure crouched against the far wall, it's back to them.

Carmilla felt her heart drop at the sight of it. She would know that figure anywhere, no matter what.

“Why...” she turned to ask LaFontaine. But she was interrupted by the sound of rapid movement from inside the room, the figure rushing at them at impossible speed, slamming into the door and an arm reaching out between the small bars of the windows to grab at her. Carmilla jumped back in time to avoid its grasp.

She stared in horror as the arm reached around, trying to find something to grab, before retreating back within. The door shook with the force of something slamming into it, hard.

“How did this happen?” she asked, hoarsely. She turned to stare at LaFontaine and they backed away from her, obviously scared of whatever they saw in her eyes.

“Can you help her?” they asked. It was almost a plea.

“Who did this?” She was moving towards them now, trying to tower over them despite the height difference. She could feel every inch of her nature surging to the surface, furious. Her fangs were out, she knew, and she could sense every change in their pulse, see the fear in their eyes.

“That doesn't matter now. _Can you help her?_ ” They were terrified but stubborn.

Carmilla shut her eyes and let out a long shuddering breath. This was too much to process too quickly.

_I can't do this…. I need...I need to get away from here. I need to think. I don't want this._

“What do you want from me?” she asked, opening her eyes again.

They looked a little relieved at her apparent return to control, unaware of how tentative her grip on it was.

“All I want is for you to help her. Get her, you know, back to herself? Then we'll leave. Both of us. You'll never hear from us again. I promise.”

“Back to herself?” Carmilla laughed bitterly. “That's not really an option here.”

“Then back to something more…I don't know. More like you then maybe.” They were flustered, grasping.

“More like me?” She thought about the past year. About everything that had come before. “That might be worse. At least like this she can't remember, can't think, or hurt.”

“Carmilla, please.” They sounded on the verge of tears and Carmilla saw again how tired they looked. She couldn't imagine how they'd gotten this far on their own.

 _I could tell_ _them_ _to take a hike. To leave and never come back. But they know I won't. I can't. Not even after everything that happened. That's why they came here._

“Okay,” she said at last. “But we can't stay on this ship.”

LaFontaine looked relieved. “I was sort of hoping you might have somewhere you could, uh, stash her. Until things settle down.”

Carmilla thought about the room she'd woken up in, the bars on the windows, the reinforced door. The room had been built for situations like this one. It was a bit ironic that it would get used again in these circumstances.

“I have somewhere. But we're going to have to move her, and that's not going to be easy from the sound of it.”

LaFontaine was already nodding, leaning down to pick up a black box from the floor and unhooking the clasps on it. They pulled a couple vials and a syringe out of it.

“This will knock her out for about an hour or two. It's how we got her on the boat in the first place. But I'm going to need your help.”

Carmilla sighed. “Just tell me.”

“Okay, I need you to bait her again, get her to stick her arm out, and then grab it and hold it in place so I can inject her.” They looked her up and down. “I figure you're a lot older and probably stronger, right?”

Carmilla frowned at their words, remembering a time someone had said something quite similar to her about another vampire. That time it had been an accusation though, not an indication of a potential asset.

“Quite probably.” She rolled her shoulder back, hearing them crack. “Okay, let's do this, then.”

She walked back over near the door and cautiously peered through the little window again. Almost immediately an arm shot out again, grasping. This time she was ready for it and grabbed the arm right above the elbow, pulling its owner hard up against the inside of the door. She held the arm with both hands and motioned at LaFontaine. The arm was trying to twist and pull away. There was angry snarling coming from inside the room that Carmilla tried to block out. She couldn't process that right now.

“Hurry.”

 _She's very strong. Probably because she's half-mad right now._ _Like an animal in pain._

LaFontaine came over, syringe at the ready.

“Hold her steady.”

“I'm trying to. Will you hurry?”

LaFontaine grimaced and shoved the needle in, pushing down the plunger. They pulled the needle out the second they were done and stood back. Carmilla released the arm and moved back as well. The arm vanished and the door shook under renewed assault.

“How long until it kicks in?” Carmilla asked.

“A minute, maybe two.”

Carmilla nodded. “I'm going in there.”

LaFontaine gaped at her. “Are you nuts? She'll rip you apart.”

“Older and stronger, remember?” Carmilla walked up to the door and slid back one of the two heavy bolts on it. The pounding on the door stopped and a quick glance through the window showed her that the figure had moved away and was watching the door, warily.

“Don't let her out.”

“Wouldn't dream of it.”

She slid the second lock back and jerked the door open, letting her full speed take over as she moved into the room, slamming into the figure and carrying her back into the far wall, pinning her.

The figure snarled and snapped at her, trying to pull her arms away to claw at Carmilla. The figure kicked her several times in the legs and yeah, that was going to leave a mark. She didn't budge an inch.

“Do you know who I am?” she asked, not really expecting an answer but hoping, hoping in some forbidden part of her mind.

The figure snarled again and didn't respond. Carmilla held her there until the girl's eyes glazed over and she slumped down. Carmilla caught her as she fell and scooped her up into her arms, cradling her against her chest almost gently.

She stood there for a moment, wondering at the feel of the unconscious body in her arms, cold to the touch and barely moving. There was blood all over the sleeping girl, smeared everywhere like some sort of obscene body paint. Her tattered clothes and stringy hair were matted in it. Some of it was quite fresh, too, and soaking into Carmilla's white shirt. The girl's face was peaceful in sleep, though, untroubled.Carmilla shook her head slightly, tearing her gaze from the sleeping face, and glanced around the room.

One entire wall of the room was stained red, the torn remains of blood bags laying butchered on the floor below.

_She didn't drink them. She ripped them open all over._

It brought back more memories she'd just as soon have left buried.

She blinked and looked away before moving back towards the door which LaFontaine had already shut and rebolted.

“Hey, nerd, open up. She's out cold now.”

The door opened.

“Why in the world did you do that?” they asked, staring at her in anger and confusion.

Carmilla shrugged as best she could with the burden in her arms.

“Felt like it.”

LaFontaine sighed and moved aside so she could pass.

“Let's just get her back to your place.”

Back up on the deck, the man who had been there before had returned, standing with his arms crossed as he watched them.

“Good riddance,” he muttered as they walked past him towards the ladder.

Carmilla snarled at him, a low noise that a human throat could never have produced, and he took a step backwards, crossing himself.

She turned her back on him.

Getting down the ladder carrying an unconscious body was one of the trickier bits of maneuvering Carmilla had ever had to do, but she managed, settling in the back of the little boat while still holding the girl to her chest. LaFontaine glanced at them when they made it down to the boat but didn't comment.

“I'm going to take her back quickly when we hit land,” Carmilla said, knowing that LaFontaine would understand what that meant. “You can follow us at your own pace.”

“Am I allowed inside your house this time or do I have to sleep on the porch?” They sounded a little bitter.

“Under the circumstances I think you'd probably better come inside.”

_So much for my solitude._

Though that had stopped being an option the minute she'd looked through that little window.

The ride back to shore was silent, the boat driver casting uneasy glances back at them the entire trip, clearly uncomfortable.

Carmilla was out of the boat before the driver could even finish parking it, forcing herself to walk at a normal pace until she got a little distance and then taking off as fast as she could go. She was going to need a lot of blood to recover from all the running she'd been doing today. It was a much faster trip this time, only taking a few minutes before she was on her porch shoving the door open with her foot and carrying her burden inside.

Carmilla took her through the house and into the room where she'd been sleeping, the white room with the metal door. She put the girl down on the bed as softly as she could and stared down at her silently. She reached down as if to brush the hair from her face but stopped, hand frozen in mid-air. She settled for pulling the sheet over her, even though it was unnecessary, and then leaving the room, throwing the bolts on the door behind her.

She paced up and down outside the door a few times. There was a small barred window on this door, similar to the one on the ship, and she had to resist the urge to peer back inside, prove to herself that yes, this was happening.

She stalked away down the hall, body coiled like a spring. After months of depriving herself of emotions there were too many here. Anger. Fear. Betrayal. She wasn't sure where the last one came from but it was there.

Her feet led her back to the small dark corner underneath the main staircase, an unlit nook out of sight of the casual observer. She reached out and let her fingers run over the indent in the wall, plaster cracked and fractured around it. She slammed her fist into it as hard as her vampiric strength would let her, grunting slightly at the impact and watching in satisfaction as the plaster cracked still further, little pieces chipping off and falling away to the floor.

This was the only place in the house where emotions were allowed.

Taking a deep breath and shaking out her hand she went to the kitchen to wait.

LaFontaine arrived about fifteen minutes later, looking slightly out of breath.

“Where is she?” they asked.

“I've got her locked up somewhere she can't get out of.”

“You're sure?”

Carmilla grinned without humor. “Very sure.”

They relaxed, dropping onto a chair.

“Now how about you tell me what's going on? How the hell did this happen to her?”

LaFontaine was still catching their breath and looked up at her, strangely hostile.

“You can't even say her name, can you?”

Carmilla clenched her jaw, holding back her anger.

_Because they're right. I haven't even let myself think her name._

“Okay then.” She looked away, fixing her eyes on the tiles of the kitchen floor, trying to will herself out of the situation. “Laura. Laura Hollis. How the hell did Laura become a vampire?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super excited about this fic at the moment, to the point where I abandoned my plan to write the whole thing before posting and get it properly beta-ed. I really want feedback on this one so please do comment if you can. I don't have an update schedule in mind yet, but I've got 3 chapters done and I'm working on the 4th. Expect chapter 2 in a day or two.
> 
> Please excuse my over-dramatic usage of T S Eliot, it fit well and I'm probably going to keep doing that.
> 
> To reiterate my TW note at the beginning, starting next chapter there's going to be a lot of blood. Please be advised of this if it's something you don't enjoy.
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/)


	2. Tarnished With Rust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos for chapter 1. It made me very happy.

_All her bright golden hair_  
_Tarnished with rust,_  
_She that was young and fair_  
_Fallen to dust._

_-Requiescat **,** Oscar Wilde_

 

LaFontaine peered into the refrigerator in despair.

“There's nothing except blood and half a chocolate bar in here.” They glanced over their shoulder at where Carmilla was sitting on a stool by the counter. “I haven't eaten in a day.”

“Not my problem.” She was still waiting for answers. The ginger nerd didn't seem ready to give them, but Carmilla had spent a year doing basically nothing. She could be patient for a few minutes. Maybe if she gave them some small concession?

“You're welcome to the chocolate bar.”

LaFontaine took the wrapped chocolate out, making a face at it. “Who puts chocolate in the fridge?”

“If you don't like it, you're free to starve.” This was the thanks she got for trying to be nice to them? Chocolate bars were a rare luxury here.

“Better than nothing.” They broke off a piece and popped it in their mouth. “I don't suppose there's anything to drink? Other than blood I mean.”

“Tap water.”

They sighed and looked through the cabinets to find a clean glass. Carmilla watched them search, making no effort to help.

“Are you ever going to answer my questions?” She had this weird sensation that she could somehow _feel_ Laura's presence through the walls, like flames heating her skin, just short of burning.

“I think that you really need to let Laura explain what happened.” LaFontaine looked apologetic.

“Let Laura…?” Carmilla wondered if they were joking. “Oh, right, I'll just go in there and ask. Maybe she'll tell me while she's trying to rip my throat out with her teeth.”

“I meant after she recovers,” LaFontaine said as if that should have been obvious.

_And I thought Laura was always the unreasonably optimistic one of the bunch._

“That might not happen.” Better to be blunt.

LaFontaine paused from rummaging in the cabinet, letting their hands fall back to their sides, shoulders hunched.

“I know that,” they said. Their voice was barely a whisper.

“So stop fucking around and tell me what the hell happened.” She wanted to go to sleep, to curl up in a ball and forget this day had happened. She still hadn't figured out _where_ she was going to sleep tonight, let alone where she was going to set up her unwelcome house guest.

“How long until you know if Laura can recover?” They'd resumed their search and Carmilla, suddenly frustrated with the whole thing, slid off the stool and came around the counter, opening another cabinet and pulling a glass out.

“Here.”

“Oh, thanks.”

She went back to her stool, watching them fill the glass at the sink.

“I'd say a week to be safe, but honestly I'll probably be able to tell within a day or two.”

LaFontaine drank about half the glass of water in one gulp and nodded. “Okay, so if she can't tell you in a week I'll fill you in.”

Carmilla huffed out an annoyed breath. “There's things I need to know right now if I'm going to help her.”

“Like what? Maybe I can fill in enough for that.” They'd gone back to the chocolate bar now. Carmilla watched it vanishing with a pang of regret.

“Who raised her?” She wanted to ask how she'd died in the first place, but she had a feeling that would be first on the list of questions LaFontaine wouldn't answer.

“Uh, I'd rather not say.”

“Well, where are they? This sort of thing shouldn't happen because a new vampire's parent takes care of them, guides them through this. Even Mother took care of me and she was pretty fucking lousy as parents go.” That wasn't completely fair.

“They left. They, uh, didn't want to deal with her. They said we needed to get her to you as soon as possible, though.”

Carmilla sucked her breath in sharply. “She was orphaned. That explains a lot.”

“Orphaned?”

Carmilla shook her head, annoyed at having to explain all this to someone whose business it clearly wasn't.

“When a vampire is turned they're under their parent's control. They generally break away from that control naturally after ten years or so.” She pursed her lips, searching for a way to explain it. “It's a lot like children growing up and moving out. When kids are little they need someone to protect them, teach them. Later they start rebelling and break away though there's generally always some thread of connection remaining.”

“Oh.”

Carmilla could almost see what they were thinking about.

 _Danny was under_ _M_ _other's control, they knew that. Maybe they didn't realize that it was normal, important, for a new vampire. I guess I never explained that part._

“When the parent vampire breaks their hold on their child willingly before it's time it's...traumatizing. It's like throwing a child out into the world before they've emotionally matured or learned any life skills.”

“She went downhill pretty fast after...after her parent vampire left.” They'd almost said a name.

“Can you tell me about that part at least? It's important.” She needed to know why Laura was throwing blood bags against a wall instead of drinking them, though she had a nasty suspicion about that already.

“Well, at first, when her parent was still there things were sort of okay. She kept refusing to feed from people even though her parent insisted she needed to. She thought they were lying because JP never had to do that.”

Carmilla snorted. “JP was a consciousness shoved into the body of a fully matured vampire. Using him as an example of anything normal is ridiculous.” Also how the hell had Laura been refusing her parent's orders? That was nearly unheard of. No wonder they'd gotten pissed off and left.

“Yeah, that's what her parent said, too. But she kept refusing. And she, uh...” They looked uncomfortable. “I guess there's a lot of appetites that need to be fed when you turn?”

_Oh, right. That._

“She had a lot of sex, right?” She heard herself ask the question from far away.

LaFontaine nodded, watching as if they expected this to outrage her.

“Don't give me that look, ginger. First of all, we've been...not together...for almost a year now and it's none of my damn business. Second of all, I remember some of what it was like to be turned. That's not something she could have ignored.”

Her memories of the first few weeks of being a vampire were blurred with age and how completely unstable she'd been at the time, but she definitely remembered the unstoppable urge to feed all her senses. The need for contact.

“Yeah, well, she slept with about eight girls in two days and almost bit one of them. She stopped sleeping with anyone after that and basically secluded herself. That was around when her parent got fed up and left.”

“Did she ever feed from a human?”

LaFontaine shook their head. “No, and I think that's what led to this, probably. She got wilder and less in control every day. Near the end of the time when she was still somewhat lucid I went into the room we were keeping her in and she...” They swallowed. “It was the worst thing I've ever seen. She basically ripped half the skin of her face with her nails trying to control herself. But she still wouldn't feed.”

Carmilla raised her eyebrows, impressed. For Laura to have that type of control was almost impossible. But then she'd always been stubborn.

“So she stopped fucking, still hasn't fed, and her parent orphaned her. That would explain the state she's in.”

“Those are all different problems you need to fix, yeah?” LaFontaine asked and Carmilla was reminded that she'd always tolerated them more because they hadn't been quite as dumb as the others.

“Correct. Hopefully she got all the fucking out of her system, because I'm not helping her there.” It was easy to talk about it when they were being this crude. “The feeding is the first thing we're going to have to take care of. She's got to be drinking at least a little of the blood bags or she'd have had a seizure by now.”

“She has a little, but she throws most of it away. I'm not really sure why.”

“New vampires need fresh blood and the actual act of feeding. It helps solidify the change. The blood bags aren't going to be very satisfying to her and probably a bit gross.”

“She's not going to feed on anyone.” LaFontaine was looking at their feet. “She said she'd rather die.” They considered their choice of words. “I mean, she's already dead, technically, but you know what I mean.”

Carmilla drummed her fingers on the table. “I've got a few ideas about how we might handle that.”

“If you put someone in there with her she's going to kill them.” LaFontaine sounded certain. “She'd never want that.”

“I know that. And I'm not going to. Give me a little credit here.”

“Sorry.” They refilled their glass from the sink, chocolate bar mostly gone now. “What about the orphaning thing? Can you 'adopt' her or something?”

Carmilla shook her head. “Doesn't work that way. Once she's cut off, she's cut off. I'm going to have to teach her how to adjust to it, and since I never had to I'm going to be flying blind on this one.”

 _And it's going to take a long time. Too long. How the hell am I going to be around her for that long? And it will be worse because if we get that far she'_ _ll_ _be coherent again and that'll be...unpleasant for both of us._

“You know she's not going to want my help, right?” Carmilla asked.

LaFontaine nodded. “She did say that a number of times. It's why we held off a few weeks before coming here, until it got so bad we didn't have a choice.”

_She'd rather claw her skin off than see me again. Well, I guess the feeling is mutual._

“How did you get out here, anyway? There's no way you could have afforded to charter that boat.”

“Her, uh, her parent paid for it. They don't want anything to do with her but they were willing to help with this.”

She pushed aside her speculations about who this 'parent' was. That could wait for now.

“The blood you said you had on the boat, do you have a way of getting it here? We're going to need it.”

LaFontaine nodded. “They're going to bring the whole shipment up here tomorrow.”

Carmilla wasn't completely pleased with the idea of yet more people intruding, but she guessed it would have to do for now.

“You should go to bed,” she told LaFontaine. She needed to take care of some things and wanted them out of the picture. “There's a lot of bedrooms upstairs, though they're probably pretty dusty. I think there might be a bed with a mattress in one. There's probably sheets somewhere in this place.”

“You're not doing anything tonight?” LaFontaine asked, suspicious.

Carmilla scowled at them. “I might be, but it's nothing you need to concern yourself with. You brought her to me and I'll handle it.”

“You need some privacy for this,” they guessed.

Carmilla upgraded her scowl to a glare. “I'm not going to be fucking her, I told you that.”

LaFontaine held their hands up. “Whoa, never thought you were. I mean, that'd be all kinds of messed up with her like that.”

“Yes. It would.”

_It would be all kinds of messed up even if she wasn't like that._

LaFontaine dumped the rest of the water down the drain and held up the candy bar wrapper.

“Trash is under the sink.” She got up and headed out the door to the hall, pausing at the bottom of the stairs to let them catch up.

“Where do you have her?” They asked when they reached her.

“In a room back there,” Carmilla said motioning further down the hall.

“And you're sure she can't get out?”

“The room was built to hold vampires, so yes.”

LaFontaine's eyebrows shot up. “What is this place, anyway?”

“One of Mother's old houses.”

“And she had to lock up vampires a lot, did she?”

Carmilla turned her back on them and started up the stairs, signaling the conversation was over. She glanced into a few of the mostly empty rooms in the upstairs hallway, trying to remember which one had a bed. She almost never went in any of the rooms up here.

“This place looks like you don't even live here,” LaFontaine commented as they followed her.

“I don't need a lot of space.” She found a room that had a mattress on a bedframe. “This should do. There's some sheets in the hall closet.” She pointed at it. “Help yourself.”

“Bathroom?”

“End of the hall on the left. Try not to make a mess.”

LaFonataine laughed and it sounded strange, jarring. How long had it been since she'd heard real laughter?

“That's rich coming from you. I remember the state you left your dorm bathroom in.”

“My house, my mess.”

“I'll be neat.”

Carmilla turned away to head back down to the stairs, already planning out what she needed to do next.

“You didn't ask about Perry.” It was an accusation.

“No, I didn't.” She didn't stop walking. They didn't say anything else.

She took a couple blood bags out of the fridge and carried them over to the door of the white room, peering through the barred window. Laura hadn't moved. She knelt down and slipped the bags through a slot at the bottom of the door. Maybe Laura would throw away most of them, but at least she had the option.

She let herself glance in at the sleeping girl one last time before moving away and heading out the front door.

The evening air was warm, full of the ever-present smell of the sea. If she shut her eyes and inhaled she could imagine that she was still alone here, still safe. The smell of the ocean, the feel of the sand, the sound of the waves, these had been her assurances before, shattered in a single instant. She exhaled and set off, already dreading what came next.

The population of the island was fairly small. There were only about five towns total, all small interwoven communities, not necessarily hostile to the occasional tourists who came to stay, but guarded, withdrawn. The tourists were tolerable because they left fairly quickly. Carmilla hadn't left. They didn't stop her from shopping for some basic supplies at the small stores, but they watched her like she was a dangerous animal (if only they knew), not speaking unless she addressed them and never making any attempt at conversation.

It suited her well. She hadn't wanted to talk to anyone at all. They left her be, and she ignored them. Mostly. Every once in awhile the supplier who she paid a small fortune to bring shipments of blood to her private dock would get held up by the weather and she'd have to scrounge for sustenance.

There was no large wildlife on the island, and she found the idea of drinking from an animal distasteful. Vampire bites weren't sensual to the victim the way they were sometimes portrayed to be in the media, humans didn't normally get enjoyment out of it. But on the flip side it was something like drinking incredibly potent alcohol for the vampire. It was electricity in their veins, sensation rolling through every cell of their being. The blood bags gave only the slightest pale echo of that feeling.

So animals were definitely out. It was too weird.

And there were other equally unsavory options she could resort to.

Even though the population of the island was so limited there was still a small number of unfortunate souls who didn't have a home. The weather was warm year round so living outside wasn't a huge issue, and they'd cram into half-ruined houses and buildings during the heavy tropical storms that sometimes passed by.

Carmilla found her first victim of the night asleep under a pier at the dock. His clothes were thread-bare, his shoes long gone, and he was dead drunk, sleeping curled around an empty bottle. She made a face, wrinkling her nose at the smell of unwashed human, but she knew people in this state were the safest way to go. Even if he remembered anything who would believe him after he got so drunk he passed out on the docks?

The homeless here made the rest of the population uncomfortable, anyway. No one had much money and the presence of vagabonds sleeping in the streets was a constant reminder of what could be in store for them.

The whole situation was sickening, even to her (and she'd long since stopped being surprised at the horrible things humans did to each other), but it worked to her benefit and she'd always been practical.

The man smelled even worse up close, his skin sweaty and rough, but at least he didn't stir when she roughly pulled him up into a sitting position.

She chose to drink from his neck rather than his wrist as she would have preferred. Someone like this man wasn't going to have a mirror to look in so he wouldn't be easily able to get a good look at the marks she left on his neck. His wrist was a lot riskier.

She took a lot less than she would have wanted, figuring she needed to spread this feeding out over several people tonight for the amount she needed to take. Enough to replenish her reserves and still more for what she had to do next.

When she was done she laid the man back down, making a half-hearted effort to leave him in what looked like a comfortable position. He sighed in his sleep but made no other indication of being alive. Carmilla looked away, disgusted with herself and the tingling the fresh blood was sending through her system.

She ended up feeding from four people that night. None of them were pleasant experiences. When she left her fourth victim behind, snoozing in the remains of a building that had burned down last year, she headed out of the town, but instead of back towards her house she headed north, into the woods a little way.

She found a tree to sit under and stayed there until all the intoxicating effects of the blood had passed. It took an hour, but there was no way she was facing Laura like that.

It was almost two hours from when she'd originally left that she made it back to the house, sighing as she eyed the fresh blood stains on her shirt. Well, it had been a lost cause already (Laura had left bloodstains all over the shirt), at least she had left it on and hadn't ruined a second shirt. She stripped the shirt off the minute she was inside, dropped it on the floor, and headed back towards the white room.

A glance through the window caused her heart to leap into her throat. The white empty walls and curtains that had been her constant companions these past months were splashed with red. Blood was dripping everywhere, running down the walls, hanging heavy in the curtain fabric. The bed was drenched through with it. Sitting crouched on the floor, freshly splattered red, Laura was regarding her, head tilted to one side.

_How quickly that world I've made for myself is ruined in every way possible._

She rested her forehead against the door, braced herself. This next part was not going to be pretty.

She drew the bolts back one at a time, never taking her eyes off Laura, who didn't move an inch. She'd gone and found the heavy key that could lock the door from the inside, buried inside a drawer with a dozen other keys, and pulled it out of her pocket now, holding it loosely in one hand.

In another burst of vampire speed she was inside the door, slamming it behind her and locking it before spinning around to confront the other vampire.

Laura hadn't moved. She was sitting completely still in a puddle of blood next to the bed, only her eyes showing any sign of life as they tracked every small movement Carmilla made.

“Uh, hey,” Carmilla said, feeling suddenly self-concious.

_She almost looks like she's back in control of herself. Maybe the blood?_

_It's creepy the way she's sitting there._

_I wonder if I ever looked that way after…_

She edged across the floor towards Laura, taking her time, but the other girl never moved. Carmilla knelt in front of her, feeling the blood soaking into the knees of her pants. More clothes ruined.

Laura had her head slightly down, staring out at her through hanks of blood-soaked hair.

“Laura?”

There was no flicker of recognition. She felt a second of relief at that, followed by a wave of guilt.

“You need to feed.”

The thing that looked like Laura shook its head slowly and Carmilla's breath caught in her throat at the response.

“Yeah, you do,” Carmilla insisted gently. “Throwing your food all over the walls isn't helping anyone.”

The blank stare continued.

_It feels odd, talking to her like she's a child. I'm not sure what else to do, though._

“Look, Laura.” The name tasted like ashes in her mouth every time she said it. “I just fed off about four people, and no, I didn't kill them before you freak out about that.”

Still no response. She might as well have been talking to the wall.

“So now you're going to feed off me. Vampires don't really feed on each other much, but in theory this should work. It's very fresh human blood and you'll be feeding, not drinking out of a bag.”

This got a slight head shake again.

Carmilla sat back on her heels, groaning in frustration.

“Look, you're not going to kill me this way. You can't. And I'm a lot stronger than you so if you get out of line I can and will stop you.”

Another head shake.

“If you keep up this way you're either going to kill someone or spend the rest of your existence locked up...”

_Or kill yourself._

“...and I don't think you want that. This way you can feed, no one dies, and maybe you can see your friends again. And your dad. You'd like that, right?”

This was more talking than Carmilla had done in the last year combined and she felt like she was starting to run out of words. It was a relief when Laura didn't shake her head, but instead raised it slightly, eyes meeting Carmilla's.

“I'm not going to break. Just feed already, will you? I don't have all night.”

She'd been half-bracing for it but it still came as a shock when Laura shot forward, grabbing Carmilla by the upper arms and crashing into her so hard she ended up on her ass, blood soaking in everywhere, her hands slipping in it.

She regained her balance bracing herself against Laura by grabbing the underside of her arms, getting even more blood on them. Laura's was hovering above the left side of her neck, frozen.

Carmilla looked down at her, saw the tears, and looked away again.

_I can't deal with this._

“Just fucking do it already.”

She needed to get out of here.

It wasn't gentle. Carmilla knew that vampire bites hurt like hell because, well, vampire bites were sort of her thing, but this…. Laura didn't seem to know how to go about it, half-gnawing at her neck before finally getting her teeth to break the surface. And then she stopped, as if uncertain what to do next, her fangs still in Carmilla's neck.

_I'm going to have to walk her through this, aren't I?_

_This is literally the worst thing that's happened to me and I was locked in a fucking coffin for decades._

“You need to take your fangs out, let the blood come through the holes you just made. And then you kind of suck on the punctures.”

 _I mean I remember being awkward at this at first, but I was never this bad,_ _was I?_

She felt Laura's fangs slide out of her neck and then her mouth latched on tighter as she sucked on the wounds she'd made. It was tentative at first and then suddenly urgent.

Laura pushed harder against Carmilla's arms, trying to get closer as if it would make her get more blood faster. Carmilla had been holding her back, trying to keep a sane amount of distance between them but she quickly gave up, letting Laura press against her, basically climb into her lap.

She could feel Laura's breasts pressing against hers and Laura flicked her tongue over the puncture wounds. Carmilla shut her eyes, her jaw clenching, and her fingers curling and digging into the floor.

 _Fuck_.

It was like every single thing in the universe she'd been trying to get away from was crashing down on her at once.

She tried to concentrate on something else, remembering the feel of the sand slipping through her fingers earlier that day, the feel of the sun (only slightly unwelcome) and the sun-warmed rock she'd sat on. The sound and smell of the ocean. (Laura's lips on her neck). The breeze stirring the trees around her. (Laura's arms wrapping around her). Walking barefoot through the sand. (Laura's tongue licking across her skin). Waking up in clean white sheets. (Laura's hand trailing down her collarbone towards her breasts).

She jerked back, pulling Laura off of her and holding her at arm's length. Laura struggled, growling at her, desperate for more.

“You've had enough. You'll make yourself sick if you drink too much.”

_And I can't take this anymore._

Laura kept struggling for what seemed like an eternity before settling down, the strength going out of her.

Carmilla wondered if she should say something now. She could ask how Laura was feeling or if it had helped or if she was any more coherent than before, but she was afraid Laura might answer.

Laura looked up at her, peering through the blood-matted locks of hair that hung all around her, her mouth smeared with blood. Her eyes shifted in and out of focus.

“Carm?”

Carmilla was out the door so fast she wasn't even aware she was moving. She slammed the door and bolted it behind her. She heard a noise in the room behind her and that was all it took to send her down the hall and up the stairs, running into the room where she kept her clothes. She shut the door behind her for good measure.

“Fuck!”

Her hands were shaking.

She wondered if she went back to the boat if she could convince them to leave and take her somewhere else. It was a fleeting thought and she forced herself to dismiss it.

There was a quiet knock on her door and her heart-rate leaped. She took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down.

_It's LaFontaine, you know that._

She pulled the door open and her ginger-haired house-guest almost fell over backwards.

Carmilla realized how she must look: only in her bra, her pants soaked in blood, the side of her neck torn up.

“Looks like I missed the party,” LaFontaine said after taking a minute to compose themselves.

“What do you want?”

“I heard you come upstairs so I thought I'd ask if you'd had any success. I guess you did?” They were looking at her neck.

_Success? I guess it was. For Laura at least._

“Something like that.”

“So there's progress?” They looked so eager, so hopeful.

“I think so. I...can we talk about this in the morning? Please?”

Their face broke into a grin as they nodded. “Can I see her before I go to bed? Would she recognize me now?”

Carmilla thought about the state Laura had been in when she'd left.

“Uh, hold off on that for now. It's kind of a mess in there. Tomorrow.”

They looked a bit disappointed but didn't argue.

“Do you need help with that?” they asked, tapping the side of their neck to demonstrate what they meant.

“No, it's fine. It'll heal pretty quickly on its own.” She was remembering the last time they'd done surgery on her, and while they'd done a good job it had still been unpleasant.

_I'm going to need more blood tonight though so this heals quickly._

_Because I'm going to have to let her do that again tomorrow. And probably every night this week._

“Okay. Goodnight, I guess.” They moved down the hallway towards the room she'd given them.

It was odd to have someone wish her goodnight.

Once she was sure they were back in their room and not sneaking downstairs she headed to the bathroom.

It was a luxurious bathroom with both a large bathtub and a huge shower stall with glass walls. There was a small window near the top of one wall that she left cracked open to let in the ocean air.

She turned the shower on, as hot as it would go, and kicked off her blood-soaked clothes. Standing under the spray of water, watching the blood run down the drain, she tried once again to forget the events of the day. It was impossible, of course.

There were a few silent tears mixing with the shower water rolling down her face and she rubbed them away, offended. It was pathetic. She could count the number of times she'd cried in the last twenty or so years on one hand.

_And every time was because of Laura._

She got out of the shower as soon as she was clean, wrapping herself in a towel to head back to the room with her wardrobe where she picked out a pair of grey cotton pants and a plain grey tshirt that she deemed comfortable enough to sleep in.

_Blood before bed, right._

She felt her stomach clenching the entire way down the stairs, trying hard not to let herself listen for any noises that might be coming from the white room. She tried to be fast about getting a blood bag out of the fridge, not bothering to pour it in a cup or mug, and beating it back upstairs.

When she got back to the room that she guessed was _her_ room now she took in how empty it was. There wasn't even a bed frame in here. After she finished off the blood she went and got some sheets and blankets from the hallway closet and piled them in a corner, curling up as best she could. She could feel the hard floor right through all the sheets.

“ _Vampiric constitution trumps lower back pain.”_

She tapped her forehead against the wall, banishing the words from her mind.

Carmilla shut her eyes, pretending she'd be able to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made up a lot of the vampire lore since there's only so much in the series to work with. You may notice I mention Carmilla breathing and having a heartbeat. My general approach here is that she doesn't _need_ either, but the breathing is habit and the heartbeat depends on how much blood she has in her system. 
> 
> Also I have no clue where this island is. It's in mystical geography land.
> 
> It is taking me longer to find poems for this than to write it. Hope you enjoyed, I'm back off to keep writing.
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chill Thy Dreaming Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, Vomit

_This living hand, now warm and capable_  
_Of earnest grasping, would, if it were cold_  
_And in the icy silence of the tomb,_  
_So haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights_  
_That thou would wish thine own heart dry of blood_  
_So in my veins red life might stream again,_  
_And thou be conscience-calm’d—see here it is—_  
_I hold it towards you._

_-This Living Hand, John Keats_

 

 

Carmilla awoke clawing at the wall.

 _“_ _You can't let them do this...”_

_“Don't you know what I've done to keep you safe...”_

_“...I love you...”_

The dream voices still rung in her ears.

She got out of the makeshift pile of blankets in the corner that she'd slept in and rushed out of her room, as fast as she could go without using her vampiric speed. She made it to the bathroom in time to throw up into the toilet, blood pouring out of her onto the white porcelain. She stayed hunched over the toilet bowl, breathing heavy and sweat beading on her skin, until she'd thrown up twice more and her stomach had settled itself.

_Of course the fucking dreams are back._

Because she was remembering the previous day now, LaFontaine's arrival and everything that followed, and bad things never happened one at a time to her. They piled up on top of each other, drowning her in their weight.

She flushed the toilet and splashed cold water on her face at the sink, willing the last of the screams from her dream to stop echoing through her mind. She made an effort to run a comb through her very tangled hair; other than occasional showers she hadn't touched it in weeks. She didn't really care about how she looked anymore, but she felt it would put her on more equal footing with the ginger nerd perhaps.

She could hear LaFontaine in the kitchen as she descended the steps, the white room eerily silent. They were sitting at the counter with another glass of water.

_Because I don't have food. I'll need to do something about that today, I guess. Humans are such a bother._

It took her a moment to register that they were glaring at her, furious beyond words.

“Uh, good morning?” she said, raising an eyebrow and moving towards the fridge. What had she done now?

“You left her there like that.” She'd never heard them this angry before.

“Pardon?” She fished a blood bag out of the fridge, pouring it into a possibly clean mug on the counter.

“I went and looked in on Laura this morning and there was blood everywhere and you just left her there like that.”

Carmilla sipped her blood. “As opposed to you leaving her locked in a dark room in a boat, also covered in blood.”

LaFontaine shook their head, face white was rage.

“That was different. I didn't have a choice and she was too far gone to notice.”

“She's still pretty far gone.” What was their problem?

“ _She was crying._ ”

Carmilla froze in the middle of taking another sip, lowering her mug.

“What?”

“You didn't even take the bloody sheets off the bed and she was lying on it, curled up in a ball, sobbing.” They'd regained control of the volume of their voice, but their anger still rode on every syllable.

Carmilla felt the blood she'd just drunk threatening to come back up. Because she hadn't thought about it until right now: Laura had regained some modicum of clarity last night and Carmilla had run off and left her sitting in a strange room, covered in blood. Alone.

_They're right to be mad at me. I didn't even think about what that would do to Laura. I only thought about getting out of there. About how much it hurt me._

“I wasn't thinking very clearly last night.” It was a weak excuse.

“Obviously.”

Carmilla set her mug down on the counter, no longer hungry.

“We'll fix up her room today, get it cleaned up some. If she keeps feeding off of me it should be...less messy.”

“Whatever.” LaFontaine slammed their glass down onto the counter, slid off their seat, and moved to pass her towards the door. Carmilla held up an arm to stop them.

“Wait.”

“What?” The anger in their eyes only fueled the guilt inside of her.

“You need food.” She tried for a softer, non-threatening tone. Until the situation with Laura was more stable she needed them.

LaFontaine glared at her for a long moment and then let out their anger in a long breath.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I've got money here, the local currency. I need to go back down to the town this morning anyway. You can come along and buy yourself some supplies.”

“Fine. That's...thanks.” They looked tired again now.

“I'm going to go look in on her and then we can go, okay?” She lowered her arm to let them pass. They nodded tersely and left without another word.

_Well, I prefer the quiet anyway._

She put her mug in the refrigerator, considering that she shouldn't have poured it at all since she had to go feed again. Habit.

Her feet didn't want to carry her to the end of the hallway where the cold metal door waited, but she forced them, deliberately placing each foot down one step at a time. She steeled herself, willing her heart to coldness, and glanced through the window.

Laura was sitting where she'd been yesterday, crouched in the mostly-dry blood next to the bed, watching the door with feral eyes. Any sign of recognition was gone from her now.

It was almost a relief.

She didn't think LaFontaine had been lying about what they'd seen earlier, it made sense in the most horrible of ways, but she was glad she didn't need to have that image burned into her brain.

“You'll get to feed again soon,” she said through the bars on the window, not expecting much of a response.

Laura lifted her eyes to meet Carmilla's, a cold hungry light shining in the depths. Carmilla shivered and turned away. That had been the considering gaze of a vampire, a monster. Seeing it on Laura was more disturbing than she'd ever imagined it could be.

LaFontaine met her on the front porch a little while later.

“How was she?” they asked with no preamble.

“Back to square one from the look of things. It'll take a few days of feeding before she's able to stay coherent.”

They nodded and shifted their weight back and forth from foot to foot. “About what I said earlier...”

“Let's not.”

LaFontaine ruffled their hair with a hand. “Okay. Let's go then.”

They fell into step next to each other on the dirt road, LaFontaine looking around more now that daylight had uncovered the scenery.

“Other than how damn hard it was to get here, it's a pretty nice little place,” they said, eyes flicking over the ruined mansions lining the road. “With scary empty houses.”

“The remoteness was part of the incentive.”

“I guess that makes sense.” They shoved their hands in their pockets. “What are you getting in town? I somehow doubt they sell blood.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes at them. “Not so much, no. And I'm not going shopping with you, sorry to disappoint.”

“But you said...”

“I need to get Laura's breakfast.” It was the least upsetting way she could find of phrasing it.

“Oh.” They looked down at the dirt road. “Will you...” They shut their mouth, unwilling to continue.

 _They're worried I'm killing people, but they're not going to ask because_ _they're not going to stop me_ _if it will save Laura,_ _but they'd rather not know_ _._

“I'm not killing anyone.” She didn't owe them any reassurance, but Laura might need it down the line and she wanted to make sure they were all on the same page. “I feed, but I don't kill. It's got to be fresh for her to be able to stomach it right now.”

“So you feed from people and then she feeds from you.” They tilted their head to one side, thinking it through. “Sort of like how a mother bird eats food and then throws it up for her babies.”

Carmilla almost stopped walking. “Okay, you're not allowed to ever make another metaphor or I'm chucking you in the ocean without a life jacket.”

LaFontaine chuckled. “But you have to admit that's sort of what it's like.”

“We're done with this discussion.” This time yesterday she'd been on the beach, reading, alone. Why couldn't today have been like that, too?

“At least you're not wearing white today. That was weird, no offense.”

Carmilla glanced down at the grey clothes she'd put on last night that she was still wearing. She wasn't sure she could put into words why she'd chosen them instead of another identical set of white clothes like the ones she'd been wearing for months. It hadn't seemed right to keep wearing them.

“I dressed in the dark.” She hoped they wouldn't say anything about vampire night-vision.

_Just let this one go, nerd._

“How long will it take you to, uh, feed?”

Carmilla considered. She'd gotten entirely too much blood last night, probably partly why she'd been so sick this morning. She'd been worried about all the running around she'd done and how much extra strength she was going to need for dealing with Laura and had overcompensated.

“Not very long. Maybe half an hour. Possibly even less. Just meet me back at the house, it's less work than trying to figure out when and where to meet up here.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

They were on the edge of town now.

“Here.” Carmilla shoved a wallet at them. “That should be more than enough.”

They looked at the wallet. “Thanks. For everything, I mean. I was mad this morning, and I still kind of am, but I really do...”

Carmilla cut them off.

“Don't thank me. Really don't.”

LaFontaine looked pained but didn't try again.

“Well, uh, good hunting?”

Carmilla didn't even bother replying to that, turning away to head off around the edge of town and leaving LaFontaine to find their own way.

It was much harder to find prey during the day. Most people were awake and there was more foot traffic in general. There was a reason vampires stereotypically hunted at night.

Even the homeless worked during the day here, trying to earn enough for provisions beyond what they could find for themselves.

 _This is almost hopeless_.

All the normal spots she hunted in were abandoned.

After circling through the outlying structures on the edge of town for a good ten minutes Carmilla finally got lucky. There was a man sitting by himself in a half-collapsed room of one of the buildings she hadn't looked in.

She approached cautiously from behind him but he didn't stir. In fact he was sitting entirely too still for her liking. Was this a trap?

_Who the hell would set a trap for me?_

She scuffed one of her shoes on the floor, watching the man's back for any sign of reaction. Nothing.

She moved forward a little more boldly now, not bothering to try and be quiet. When she was standing only an inch behind him and he still hadn't moved she was genuinely puzzled. She moved around in front of him.

His stare was blank, a small trail of drool coming down from one corner of his mouth.

_Shit._

There was nothing obviously wrong with him so she assumed it was some deeper damage she couldn't see.

_He's not in there at all. I could feed from him and he'd never even know. The perfect victim._

So why was she hesitating?

She examined him closer: he was young, maybe twenty, and surprisingly tidy for someone who seemed incapable of moving or acting on their own. His clothes were the threadbare fare that most of the poorer people around here wore, but they were clean, neat. He was even sitting on a folded blanket.

_Someone takes care of him._

_It doesn't matter. I'm not really going to hurt him. I need to be able to feed Laura._

She remembered Laura's blank gaze from last night and stood up, backing away.

She tried to will herself back forward. Laura needed this.

Her feet remained rooted to the ground.

“Sorry, buddy,” she said before turning around and leaving.

She spent the next fifteen minutes kicking herself for not having the guts to feed from the man, but she never even once thought of going back for him.

She ended up finding a drunk man passed out a little ways into the woods. He looked like some sort of laborer, slightly too well put-together for her normal hunts, but she was desperate now. If she was going to have to feed every day all week she was going to have to take some unwelcome risks.

Once she'd fed, spitting to get the taste of his skin out of her mouth, she headed back towards her house, sticking to the woods. The less people who saw her near town today, the better.

The timing worked out pretty well because she ran into LaFontaine a little bit down the road from her house, acknowledging them with a slight head nod before falling into pace next to them.

“How'd it go?” they asked.

_They don't really want to know._

The eyes of the man from the house swam through her mind.

_Not Laura._

She stifled the thought before it had time to spread, turn into something more dangerous.

“It went...fine.”

“You got the, uh…?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. That's...good.”

_Why are they even trying? Why do they insist on trying to talk about things we'd both rather not think about?_

Back inside the house Carmilla watched LaFontaine put whatever food it was they'd gotten into the fridge.

“I think I got enough for a little while. Going to have to cook a lot of it though. Do you even own pans or anything?”

Carmilla shrugged. “Probably. Mother stocked this place, not me.”

“Is it like a vampire vacation home? Because I always thought that dark castles on clifftops were more a vampire thing.”

“Oh please.” Carmilla sneered in disdain. “And this isn't really a vacation home. Or, not only a vacation home.”

“Well what is it then?”

Carmilla thought about the white room. “Nothing worth talking about.”

LaFontaine gave up on that line of questioning. “Shouldn't you be feeding Laura now? While the blood is still fresh and all?”

“Yes, but I need to tell you how you're going to help first.”

LaFontaine gaped at her. “I'm going to what now?”

“Like you said earlier, the room is a mess. So while I'm feeding Laura you're going to clean it up.”

LaFontaine's eyebrows shot up. “Wait, what? Why do I have to clean up all the blood?”

“Division of labor, doctor Frankenstein. I'm opening a vein, _again_ , so you're on mopping duty.”

“That's...” They couldn't seem to come up with a good argument and settled for frowning.

“There's a mop and bucket in the hall closet...” (which she'd never used) “...and you can strip the sheets and pull the curtains down while you're at it. Just throw them somewhere and I'll get rid of them later. Wouldn't worry about the walls. They're a lost cause until they get painted again.”

“Again? Have you had to paint over blood on them before?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” They hadn't been expecting that answer.

“Give me about five minutes to get her under control and then come in. I'll make sure she can't get at you.”

“You're asking me to place my life in your hands, you know,” LaFontaine muttered. “And you've never seen to particular concern yourself over my well-being.”

What could she say to make them shut up?

“I wouldn't want Laura to have to deal with having ripped your throat out on top of everything else. It would make my job harder.”

LaFontaine sighed. “I guess I can accept that as the closest you'll ever come to showing genuine concern for someone else's life.”

“Five minutes.” Carmilla left the kitchen and headed back down the hall towards the white room.

Laura was sitting exactly where she'd been last time she'd looked in.

_She hasn't moved at all._

She thought back again to the man she'd seen this morning and shook her head to rid herself of that image.

_I left him alone. That's more than most vampires would have done._

She opened the door at a normal speed today and didn't lock it behind her. Like the previous night, Laura didn't move at all as Carmilla approached her.

“Okay, sunshine, time for lunch.” She tried to keep her tone light.

Laura didn't react when Carmilla pulled her up to her feet, not collapsing back down, but not really straightening up from a slouch either. When Carmilla lead her across the room to a wall away from the bed she followed, her feet dragging a little.

“Sit.” Carmilla pushed her down on her shoulders and Laura obediently dropped back down to the floor. Carmilla sat down with her back against the wall and then tugged on Laura's arm.

“Over here.”

Carmilla pulled Laura back against her so she was sitting with her back pressed up against Carmilla's chest, in-between Carmilla's legs.

“Wrist today. We're going to spread the bites around so the old ones have a little time to heal.”

Also the wrist was way less intimate than the neck.

She wasn't sure if Laura was processing any of this, but if she was ever going to start fixing this whole mess then she had to keep trying.

She circled one arm around Laura's waist to keep her pinned and held the other wrist in front of Laura's mouth.

“Go on, lunch is served.”

Laura made no move to take her wrist, shrinking back a bit from it.

“Not this again. Laura, you need to eat.”

There was no movement from Laura and Carmilla growled in frustration. She felt Laura cringe against her.

_She's more here than she was yesterday, for sure._

_I have to do everything myself, don't I?_

She pulled her wrist back and sank her own fangs into it, grimacing as they broke the skin. Once the blood started flowing she held it back in front of Laura.

“Don't let it go to waste.”

Laura grabbed her arm and latched on immediately.

_Smell of fresh blood. No way she could resist that right now._

“Is it safe to come in?” LaFontaine was outside the door, trying to see what was going on through the window. Laura didn't seem to react at all to their voice, focused on sucking on Carmilla's wrist.

“Yeah, I've got her pinned and distracted.”

The door swung open cautiously and LaFontaine moved in, looking them over.

“I'll never get used to seeing her like that,” they said, taking in the scene.

Carmilla sighed. “Well, you're going to have to.”

LaFontaine brought the bucket and mop they'd found in, the bucket sloshing heavily with water.

“Good thing I bought some soap at the store today. You have none.”

Carmilla shrugged. “Never seen the need.” It was almost better with LaFontaine here, they were keeping her distracted from the feeling of the girl pressed up against her, the tongue swirling on her arm.

“I'm going to get rid of the bed sheets and the curtains first, I guess,” LaFontaine said.

“Suit yourself.”

She watched them struggle to figure out the curtains for a good five minutes before she couldn't take it anymore.

“Oh, just leave them. I'll rip them off later.”

“You sure?”

“Get on with it.”

They stripped the bed, trying hard not to actually touch the bloody parts of the sheets, and bundled up the messy cloth into a ball and threw it out into the hall. The mattress below was stained as well, but there was probably no fixing that.

When LaFontaine started mopping the floor Carmilla returned her attention to her charge.

“Laura, that's enough. Stop now.”

Laura dropped her arm immediately which was...interesting. She was far more responsive than Carmilla would have expected her to be in so short a time.

“Good. Now we need to wait here for your buddy to finish cleaning.”

Laura didn't say anything or move, staying stiffly against her. Carmilla looked down at her: her clothes were filthy, stiff with blood and dirt, her hair was matted and tangled. She smelled horrible (though there was that hint of scent underneath that was Laura, sharper though, definitely not human) and looked worse.

“If we put clean sheets on the bed she's going to ruin them again the way she is now.” LaFontaine's voice startled her, echoing her own thoughts.

“Yeah, I was thinking about that.”

“Do you have clean clothes she can wear?”

“Yes. But I think she needs a bit more than that.”

_I am so not doing this._

_Except I am._

_Somehow she became my responsibility. Especially now that I've fed her._

_And I already failed once, leaving her alone last night._

“Like a sponge bath or something?” LaFontaine was leaning on their mop, procrastinating.

“No. I've got an idea though.” She pushed Laura off of her and the girl slumped forward, sitting on the floor with her arms curled around herself.

Carmilla stood up and stretched, working the kinks out of her back.

“I'm going to lock you in here for a little bit,” she told LaFontaine.

“Wait, what? Why?” They looked bewildered.

“Because I'm taking her out into the main house with me and you'll be safer in here.”

“Oh.” They glanced down at Laura. “She seems pretty calm now.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” A thought occurred to her. “Oh, I have a key, you can lock yourself in instead. That way if I accidentally impale myself on a stair railing or something you won't die in here.”

“Uh, thanks. I think.”

Carmilla dug in her pocket to find the key and stepped around Laura to walk over to LaFontaine. There was a tug at her pants leg, pulling her back. She looked down and saw Laura was clutching the fabric of her pants, terror in her eyes.

_Shit._

She dropped to a squat in front of Laura, gently breaking her hold on her pants.

“Listen, I'm not leaving you again like yesterday, okay? I need to go hand something to LaFontaine and then I'm coming back for you.”

Laura didn't meet her eyes but she relaxed a little.

“I'll be right back. Promise.”

Carmilla stood up and Laura didn't try and stop her this time.

“Here.” Carmilla thrust the key at LaFontaine and moved back to Laura who was now looking up, watching her every move. “Up.”

Laura tried to push herself to her feet and stumbled, almost falling. Carmilla instinctively grabbed her, pulling her up.

“I'm going to have to carry your clumsy ass, aren't I?” she asked. The urge to brush Laura's hair out of her face was almost too strong to resist.

“Alright then, here we go.” It took her a moment or two of awkward fumbling before she managed to scoop Laura up, one arm under her back and one in the bend of her knees. Laura curled her hands into herself, turning her head to face away from Carmilla.

“She can't walk?” LaFontaine asked, looking concerned.

“She's a bit out of it at the moment, at least partially from the blood, and there's less risk of her running off this way.” Carmilla tried to shift Laura's weight so it was more comfortable. “Can you get the door for me?”

“Good luck,” LaFontaine said as Carmilla carried Laura out the door past them.

“Remember to lock the door behind us,” Carmilla warned. “If she gets loose and eats you it will be no one's fault but your own.”

“Locking it right now.”

Carmilla waited until she heard the lock click before she moved away, arms tightening around Laura in case she decided to make a break for it. Laura remained motionless in her arms.

Carmilla's vampiric advantages meant it wasn't very hard for her to carry Laura up the stairs, though she kept having to check that she wasn't about to accidentally smack the girl's legs into the bannisters. Upstairs she went down the hall to the large bathroom at the end and shoved the door open with her foot. She shoved it shut behind them, hitting the little lock button with her elbow. Not that a lock like that would be even the slightest hindrance if Laura decided she wanted to get out.

“Okay, this is the part where you need to help me out.” She carefully put Laura down onto her feet and stepped away. “Shower is over there. There's clean towels on the bench. I've probably got a comb somewhere that I can stand losing because I think your hair is going to destroy it.”

Laura collapsed to her knees.

“Oh for fuck's sake.” This was monumentally unfair. She was trying to do the right thing here, and the universe was intent on destroying any chance of that. “Okay, fine. Don't fucking move from there, understand?”

Laura nodded.

 _Well, she's respond_ _ing_ _better now at least. That's something._

Carmilla walked around Laura, keeping a careful eye on her, and opened the glass shower doors, leaning in to turn on the hot water tap. Once the water was running she came back.

“You need to stand up. You had a ton of blood, you're more than strong enough now.”

Laura slowly pushed herself up, swaying from side to side.

 _What's wrong with her? She should be able to stand._ _Maybe she's_ _really_ _drunk off the blood?_

“You need to take your clothes off and get in the shower. Can you do that?” The heat from the shower was starting to steam up the room.

Laura's face was turned towards the floor when she shook her head, matted hair flying back and forth.

“Fine.”

_I must have done something terrible in a former life._

She chose to walk behind Laura to help her take her shirt off, making her bend first one arm and then the other to slip them through the arm holes on the ruined shirt. It would have been faster for Carmilla to have ripped the shirt off since it could never be used again anyway, but she thought Laura might not appreciate that.

One of the two clasps on Laura's bra had already come undone so Carmilla popped the other one and slid the bra down Laura's arms, dropping it on top of her shirt. The skin of Laura's back was cleaner than the exposed parts of her were, but still smeared with dirt and blood. Carmilla brushed Laura's hair off her shoulders without thinking about it, jerking back when Laura shivered slightly.

“Um, okay. How about your pants? Can you manage that at least?”

_Please, lord._

Laura fumbled with the button and zipper on her pants and managed to get them open, but Carmilla had to help her push her jeans down and steady her while she stepped out of them. Her underwear followed with Carmilla turning her head away as much as possible. She moved back from Laura, staring intently at the floor tiles.

“Okay, so shower time.”

On some level she already knew that there was no way Laura was going to be able to take a shower without help, but she really wanted to pretend there was.

_Why me?_

“Maybe you'll wake up a little after you're under the water,” Carmilla said without much hope.

She put a careful hand on Laura's back and gave her a slight push to get her walking towards the shower. Laura stumbled a little but made her way across the floor, turning at one point to grab onto Carmilla's arm.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. For some reason.”

Laura stiffened a little when the hot water hit her but then relaxed and moved further into it. Carmilla kept her eyes fixed on the floor, watching the dirt and blood wash down the drain. Her clothes were plastered to her as she stood behind Laura, keeping a gentle grip on one arm to keep her from falling.

“There's shampoo and conditioner in the little shelf on the wall,” Carmilla pointed out. She was surprised when Laura actually reached for the shampoo on her own and she moved her hands to Laura's waist so Laura could pour shampoo into her hand and rub it into her hair.

_Maybe all I need to do is make sure she doesn't fall over. I can live with that._

The amount of filth running down the drain was disgusting, and Carmilla wrinkled her nose at it.

“Good thing we got you in the shower. You're basically a public health hazard.”

After Laura finished with her hair, which now hung dark and wet but remarkably more clean down her back, Carmilla nudged her towards a bath sponge that was also on the shelf.

“See if you can get the last layers of grime off with that. We're going for reasonably clean, here, not perfect. You can shower again when you're feeling better.”

She switched from staring at the floor tiles to staring at the ceiling while Laura made passable efforts to sponge herself off.

“Okay, you good?” Carmilla asked at last.

Laura nodded almost shyly and Carmilla reached around her to turn the water off. She led Laura out of the shower stall and handed her a towel from the bench, helping her wrap it around herself.

She relaxed slightly once the towel was fully around Laura.

“You look much better now,” she told Laura pulling her over and sitting her down on the bench in front of the mirror. She fished around in a drawer and found a comb. “Make an effort with your hair, okay? I'm going to go find you some clothes.”

Laura looked up at her again, panic rising in her eyes, and Carmilla sighed.

“I'm coming right back. Just sit here and comb your damn hair, okay?”

Laura opened her mouth as if to say something, but met Carmilla's gaze and stopped.

_She's afraid to say something to me. She's afraid I'll bolt like yesterday._

_I can't blame her, I'm sort of afraid of that, too._

“What is it, Laura? You can talk, I'm not going anywhere. Well, other than down the hall to get you clothes.”

Laura didn't say anything but she picked up the comb and started trying to work it through her wet, tangled hair.

“Don't even think about leaving this room. I'm between you and the stairs.”

Laura nodded, tugging at a knot. Carmilla watched her for a second and then left, shutting the door behind her.

The minute the closed door was between her and Laura she leaned forward, doubling over and putting her hands on her knees to take her weight.

_I can't fall apart yet. I need to get her back in her room. Then I can fall apart._

She took a minute to breathe and then straightened up, heading for her room.

She tired not to put too much thought into what she picked out for Laura, grabbing a bra that was plain but the right size, a random pair of underwear, a green tanktop, and a pair of matching green cotton pants with an elastic waistband.

_Someone who used to live here really liked these fucking cotton pants._

She changed her own clothes while she was at it, finding another set of grey and dropping her soaked clothing on the floor to deal with later.

She carried Laura's clothes back to the bathroom and knocked softly on the door before entering. The fear that went out of Laura's eyes when she entered made her clench her jaw.

_Everything about this is so wrong._

_She told me to leave. She kicked me out. And now…._

“Feeling up to dressing yourself?” Laura did look a little better now, more focused.

The universe must have decided to take pity on Carmilla because Laura was able to dress herself without help and leave Carmilla to peacefully stare at the patch of sky outside the small window.

“If you're done with your hair we can head back downstairs.” It looked a lot better now, hanging sleek and wet around her shoulder.

Laura didn't argue and she'd set the comb aside so Carmilla decided that meant she was okay with leaving.

“I'm not carrying you back down, but if you try to run I _will_ catch you and you won't like it.”

Laura's eyes widened at the threat, a hint of anger flaring in them.

Carmilla's heart constricted and she had to look away.

_She almost looked like herself for a second._

“Let's go then.”

Laura followed Carmilla out into the hall and even waited passively by when Carmilla paused to dig some clean sheets out of the hall closet. She tripped and almost fell on the stairs but caught herself before Carmilla had to.

“Who's there?” LaFontaine called out when Carmilla knocked on the metal door.

“The big bad wolf. Now open the damn door.” She got a tight grip on Laura's upper arm with her free hand. “Nothing personal, need to make sure you don't try to eat the nerd as a snack, though.”

LaFontaine pushed the door open and stepped back, watching them warily as Carmilla led Laura in, thrusting the sheets at them on the way.

“I have to make the bed, too? It's a huge bed! It'd be much easier if you helped.”

“Watching you struggle will be more entertaining, though.” Carmilla pulled Laura back over to the wall where she'd let her feed earlier and pushed on her shoulder to indicate she should sit again. “Besides I need to make sure this one doesn't try to eat you like a happy meal.”

“This is some sort of punishment isn't it?” LaFontaine asked, trying to sort out the pile of sheets they'd been handed.

“Probably.”

Carmilla sat on the floor next to Laura and they both watched LaFontaine struggle to make the bed.

“Quality entertainment, right?” Carmilla asked Laura. She didn't get a response but by this point she'd sort of figured that wasn't going to happen today.

Once the bed was mostly usable again Carmilla motioned for LaFontaine to leave.

“I'll get her settled down and come out in a bit. Go science something or whatever it is you do for kicks.”

“You sure?” They were shoving the bucket of now very red water across the floor with their feet.

“Yeah, don't wait for me.”

LaFontaine nodded. “She looks a lot better now.”

Carmilla didn't respond. She didn't want to process how much more Laura looked like herself now.

She needed to get out of here and have some time to herself to recover from this whole disaster. She thought Laura was probably okay for the day with the one feeding considering how well she'd responded, so she wanted the evening to herself.

When LaFontaine had disappeared into the hall and shut the door behind themselves Carmilla got up. She reached a hand back down for Laura. “Time to get up.”

When Laura took her hand Carmilla had a panicked moment to wonder _why_ she'd thought offering her a hand had been a good idea, but Laura pulled away as soon as she was on her feet much to Carmilla's relief.

“Your whole system is totally out of whack,” Carmilla explained walking over to the bed. She gave LaFontaine's efforts to make a bed up a B- at the best. “You need to feed and sleep a lot until everything sorts itself out. Think of it as recovering from being really sick.” She glanced up from the sheets to see Laura had followed her and was standing timidly nearby.

Carmilla pulled up the top sheet. “Get in. You're going to sleep now.” It was an order.

Laura moved around her carefully to sit on the edge of the bed and curl herself under the sheet. Carmilla let the top sheet drift down on top of her, pulling it up to under her chin. “Sleep now.”

But when she tried to walk away again Laura sat bolt upright, the terror back in her eyes.

_Fucking hell._

Carmilla drew in a deep breath and let it out. “Okay, I'll stay, but only until you're asleep. I've got things to do, too.” She returned and sat on the floor next to the bed, eying the new blood stains soaked into wood.

_This is the best she gets. I'm not getting on the bed while she's in it._

Laura lay back down and for a few long minutes there were no noises in the room except the steady sound of both of them breathing.

When Laura spoke it was so soft that Carmilla almost didn't hear it.

“Thank you.”

Carmilla was on her feet in an instant.

“You don't get to say that,” she hissed, fury she didn't think she still had rising in her. “You don't.”

Laura was staring at her, eyes huge.

Carmilla turned away and left, slamming the door and locking it after her. Behind her she could hear the soft sound of Laura crying.

Her feet carried her back to the alcove below the stairs, not even coming to a full stop before her fist lashed out and slammed into the wall. Plaster dust rained everywhere.

LaFontaine came out of the kitchen at the noise.

“Dude, did you just punch a wall? What the hell?”

“Fuck off!”

Carmilla stormed past their astonished expression and out the back door not stopping until she reached her rock down on the beach. She curled up on top of it, shutting her eyes, trying to let the sound of the ocean drown out the memory of Laura's tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "you fucked up a perfectly good vampire is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety."
> 
> Ahem, sorry. Could not resist. 
> 
> Chapter 4 is in progress, it would probably be done if I didn't keep looking at orchestra humor blogs and going on rants about how Pachelbel's canon should burn in hell. 
> 
> Hope everyone's still enjoying. Some mysteries will start being cleared up next chapter.
> 
> As always, my [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/), come yell at me.


	4. Turn A Single Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, vomit
> 
> I switched from poems to song lyrics for a few chapters. 
> 
> Total credit for the song choice goes to [honorthevanishing](http://archiveofourown.org/users/honorthevanishing/pseuds/honorthevanishing) whose Carmilla Mummy AU you should all go check out.

_Another quiet evening_  
_That book that you’ve been reading’s open_  
_but I don’t believe I’ve seen you turn a single page_  
_Even here right beside you_  
_I barely recognize you_  
_you’re like a photograph I’m watching fade away_  
_I want to shake you_  
_I’d prefer that you were angry with me_  
_you’re like a bird now, looking lost without a cage_  
_I don’t know what to call it_  
_I’m not sure who could solve this_  
_problem of a disappearing girl, oh Anna stay_

_-Annabelle, Dessa_

 

 

_On some level she knew it was a dream, but she couldn't escape._

_“Carm?”_

_Laura was sitting on the blanket in front of her, naked, her eyes full of both uncertainty and anticipation._

_She's nervous, Carmilla realized. My hands are shaking and she's the one who's nervous._

_Her eyes ran over Laura, the lines of her legs, the curve of her breasts, the way her hair fell around her shoulders in loose waves, the pulse dancing at her neck, and the everything in her eyes._

_She'd read thousands of books and none of them had given her the words for this._

_So instead of responding she kissed her. She started at Laura's collarbones and worked her way up to her shoulder, breathing softly against her warm skin. Then up her neck, pausing over the pulse point to feel Laura's heartbeat on her lips. She left a trail of kisses from Laura's jaw, across her cheek, and up to her ear._

_“Laura,” she breathed softly,_ _hands ghosting over skin_ _. “It's okay. I've got you.”_

 _The dream changed then, shifted from the dark intimacy of the solarium to a small, cramped room full of the smell of blood and sweat. She was sitting on a rickety wooden chair next to the narrow bed, looking down at the hand_ _she held in her own._

 _“_ _Mircalla...” The voice breathed out like a sigh, familiar in more ways than one._ _It was the wrong voice, the wrong vocal cords and mouth, but now that she knew what to listen for she could still hear the other voice behind it._

 _“_ _I'm here.”_

 _“Please, Mircalla.”_ _It was a plea._

_“No. I can't do that. You know that.”_

_A weak nod from the pillow though she dared not let herself look at those eyes, see who was really behind them._

_“_ _You'll stay, though. Here. You'll stay here until I'm gone?”_

_“Don't have anywhere else to be.” She knew she wouldn't leave now._

_The hand gripped hers more tightly, the manacle around the frail wrist clanking slightly as the chain moved._

_“_ _I feel so pathetic like this.”_

_You were the one who taught me that weakness was pathetic, she thought._

_“It's okay.”_

_“And you'll stay, right?” The words were barely a sigh._

_She could feel her throat constricting, her eyes burning._

_Weakness was pathetic._

_“_ _Mircalla?”_

_“Yeah. I've got you.”_

Carmilla sat up in her sheets with a jerk.

“Fuck!”

Couldn't she have even one night in peace?

Someone was knocking on the door, probably what had woken her in the first place.

“What?” It came out in half-yelled anger.

“Uh, I was wondering if you were ever planning to get up. It's past noon already.” LaFontaine's voice was muffled by the door.

Carmilla brushed her hair back with her hands. How the hell was it this late? The horrendous sleeping schedule she'd fallen into over the past months had her waking up at eight or nine when the sun made it impossible for her to stay unconscious.This room had dark curtains over the windows, though, blocking out the pesky light.

“I get that you're probably in the middle of some really deep brooding or whatever, but Laura's getting a bit...restless?”

Carmilla dropped her head into her hands.

_I'm so unbelievably tired of this. It's only been about a day and a half and I'm already this tired._

“Yeah, okay,” she called back.

“Also, the guys from the boat brought that container of blood bags by last night after you took off. I didn't know where to tell them to put it so it's in one of the rooms downstairs that you didn't seem to be using for anything.”

“That's fine. I'll be down in a bit.”

“Okay.”

She heard their footsteps retreating to the stairs.

Her clothes were drenched with sweat so she was forced to discard them and get fresh ones. She went down the hall to the bathroom, naked (if the ginger nerd came upstairs now it was their own damn fault), and took a quick shower before getting dressed.

She paused at the top of the stairs before descending. She could hear the sounds of repetitive crashing coming from below.

_I thought we were getting somewhere. Is it my fault? Is it because I keep leaving?_

Her dream came back to her and she shuddered, goosebumps breaking out on her skin.

_There are some things I can't be asked to do._

LaFontaine wasn't in the kitchen, though there were plates in the sink now, mostly rinsed. She hoped they were planning on washing them later because there was no way in hell she was going to.

“Hey.” LaFontaine came in, holding a stack of papers in their arms.

“You writing a novel?” Carmilla almost reached for a blood bag out of the fridge but caught herself. She had to go actually feed again, right.

“I've been writing up my observations on vampires in general, actually. I feel like it's a very poorly researched subject with a lot of misinformation floating around.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “Yes, please do spread around information that will make it easier to find and kill us. Sounds great.”

LaFontaine wrinkled their forehead. “No, I...I thought maybe if people understood better…. Most fear comes from lack of understanding.”

“Or because there's something to be legitimately afraid of.” Carmilla motioned with her head towards where the crashing noises were still intermittently coming from the back of the house. “Case in point.”

“I'm not afraid of Laura.”

“Then you're an idiot.”

LaFontaine dropped their papers onto the counter. “Possibly. Do you want to tell me what it is that has you so twitchy?”

“Twitchy?”

LaFontaine took a seat and regarded Carmilla where she was leaning against the shut door of the fridge.

“Last night. And in general since we got here. I mean, I got that you didn't want to see us and that things with Laura are a bit strained, but I'm starting to think there's something else going on here.”

“Really nothing going on.” It sounded a bit defensive even to her.

“Uh-huh.” They clearly weren't buying that for a second. They shuffled some papers around in front of them absent-mindedly. “I mean, it's none of my business, I get that. What happened with Danny…. I was there for that, remember? Laura didn't see what went down and she was upset about losing her friend all over again, and she was totally out of line for blaming you for that, but I never got why you just left.”

Carmilla's jaw had clenched tightly somewhere in the middle of LaFontaine's rambling.

“Laura told me to leave.” If that were the only reason this would all be so much simpler.

“And she'd done that before. I mean I can't count how many times you two fought and you ran off. But you always came back. And she kept waiting….” LaFontaine grimaced. “She kept waiting and waiting but you didn't come back this time and she didn't know why.”

Carmilla didn't think about Laura checking her cell phone for messages that never came, waking up in the night and reaching out to find herself alone. Those weren't thoughts she could have right now.

“I'm not sure what you want me to say. I left because she told me to and I didn't come back because I didn't want to.”

LaFontaine dropped the piece of paper they were holding back into the pile. “It's none of my business.”

“No, it really isn't.” Carmilla pushed off the fridge. “I'm going to go see about getting some blood for her before she breaks down the door.”

LaFontaine paled. “Can she do that?”

Carmilla considered letting them live with that fear, but relented. “No. That door was built to hold a vampire. It's more than just metal.”

“Ohhh, a magic door?” They perked up, looking interested.

“Something like that. I'll be back later.”

She left before she got dragged into a conversation about enchanted architecture that would have ended with her dropping them in the ocean.

It took her considerably less time to feed today. She wasn't sure if it was luck or some sort of no-work holiday because there were a lot more people milling around than usual in all the spots she hunted. It was very little work to wait for one to drift far enough away that she could render them unconscious and drink her fill.

_Someone is going to start noticing soon at this rate. Maybe I should try the next village over for a few days. It's a bit far but I could probably get there in cat form without it taking too long._

She walked back through the woods again, letting the aftereffects of the feeding work their way out of her system.

She glanced into the kitchen and saw LaFontaine bent over their work, pen in hand, and left them alone.

Laura had stopped slamming into the door when she got there, but renewed her assault when Carmilla looked in the window.

“You're never going to get through this door,” Carmilla said conversationally. “Believe me, I know. And if you want to eat you're going to need to back up and let me in.”

Laura paused, her eyes flicking up to meet Carmilla's and they were like yesterday, lit with that cold, predatory light that was so clearly vampire.

“I'm not going to open the door until you back up, so if you want your chance to make a break for it you'd better cooperate a little.”

Laura tilted her head to one side and then walked backwards about halfway into the room, eyes never leaving her. Carmilla pulled her shirt off and dropped it to the floor. No sense in wasting yet another shirt.

“Here we go again,” Carmilla muttered to herself. “Yo, Darwin, get over here!” she called back over her shoulder.

LaFontaine appeared a minute later. “Don't tell me I need to mop something up again. Also why aren't you wearing a shirt? Is this a vampire thing?”

“I need you to lock the door behind me. I'm not going to have enough time to do that and keep her from getting out when she's like this. Just lock it and go back to the kitchen. I'll call you when I need to get out.”

She knew she was trusting them to come back, but somehow she didn't think she had to worry about that under the circumstances.

“Okay, got it.” They took up position behind her. “I'm ready.”

Carmilla nodded. “Be fast.” She undid the bolts one by one, and threw the door open, running full speed.

Laura tried to outmaneuver her, feinting left before running right, but Carmilla was way more accustomed to moving at these speeds and slammed into her, carrying Laura to the floor under her. She pinned Laura's arms to the floor and sat on her hips, holding her down with her weight.

“Nice try, but not quite good enough.”

Laura snarled at her.

Carmilla glanced back over her shoulder to see the door had been shut behind her, LaFontaine's face peering through the window.

“Go back to your work. This isn't going to be pretty.” They didn't need to remember Laura like this anymore than they already had to.

While she was distracted with looking over her shoulder Laura somehow got one arm unpinned and threw herself against Carmilla, knocking her onto her back.

Laura was on her in an instant, and Carmilla had to grab her wrists and hold her up and off her with all her strength. They struggled like that for a few seconds before Carmilla muttered, “Oh, bother.” and released her grip.

Laura fell on her, her fangs sinking into Carmilla's neck much more easily than they had the first night. It still hurt a lot.

“Are you okay? Do you need help?” LaFontaine clearly had not left like they were supposed to.

Carmilla held up a hand in a thumbs-up sign. It wasn't like she couldn't easily throw Laura across the room if she needed to.

“Peachy. This is the most fun I've had all week. Now scram.”

Laura fed for a lot longer than either time before and Carmilla was starting to wonder if it were possible for a vampire to be drained dry (what would even happen?) when Laura released her and scuttled off her and away.

Carmilla sat up, rubbing her neck. “Ow. That was really not my favorite thing ever.” She looked over at Laura.

Laura was sitting against the side of the bed, curled into a ball, her knees to her chest, arms around them, and head tucked in. She was rocking back and forth slightly.

_I was never like this when I was coming down from being feral. It must have something to do with being orphaned. And probably a good helping of self-loathing. Well, at least I have more experience with that part._

“That's probably more than enough for you today,” Carmilla said, standing up. “I'm surprised you didn't...”

Laura uncurled herself and bent over sideways, vomiting blood onto the floor.

“...make yourself sick, yeah. That can happen.”

Laura backed away from the blood on the floor and curled back up into a ball.

“Okay, well you drank a lot more than you threw up there so you're probably still okay for the day, which is a good thing because I _really_ don't fancy going hunting again.” Carmilla ran a hand back through her hair. “Get yourself back in bed and I'll be back in a minute to clean up the mess.”

Laura did as she was told without ever looking in Carmilla's direction.

_Is she mad at me or afraid I'm mad at her?_

_Whatever. It doesn't matter._

_Once she can stomach blood bags and control herself I'll make Laf take her away from here. Someone else can figure out the rest of her trauma because I'm obviously only making it worse._

She called LaFontaine over and they came back from the kitchen to let her out, looking far too pale.

_Bet they tried to watch and freaked out. Some vampire researcher they are._

_No one ever really wants the truth._

“Is she back to normal?” they asked as they followed her back to the kitchen.

“Define normal.”

“Like, is she Laura?”

Carmilla snorted. “You keep acting like she's going to wake up one day and be the same as the Laura you knew before. If she's very lucky she'll be able to put on a decent facade of her previous life.”

“So you're pretty different now from when you were alive?”

“I'm over three hundred years old, genius. Of course I'm different. And I barely remember what it was like to be human.”

In the kitchen she found a few hand-towels and soaked half of them in warm water in the sink before heading back to the white room. Laura was still curled up in bed, the sheets pulled over her head. She didn't move or react at all when Carmilla cleaned up the floor and dried it as best she could.

She dumped the bloody towels on top of the pile of bloody sheets that were still in the hall from the previous day. Eventually she was going to have to deal with that. She found her discarded shirt on the floor and pulled it back on.

LaFontaine was waiting for her in the kitchen.

“What you did….” They looked slightly sick. “I didn't realize.”

“We're monsters. When you strip away the carefully learned affectations and the residual habits of a human life, that's what you're left with.” They'd been attacked by a starving JP once, they should already know this.

“Laura's not a monster.”

Carmilla smiled at the omission of her name from the statement.

“We are what we are. Lying to yourself about it isn't going to help her.”

LaFontaine looked back down at the papers spread out in front of them. “So we just keep doing this over and over again until what? She can drink blood bags?”

That reminded Carmilla she needed to replenish her own supply and she grabbed a blood bag out of the fridge and poured it into her mug.

“Basically. The fact she's already responding so much after feeding is a good sign. I think she'll probably be able to switch to blood bags by the end of the week.”

_And won't that be a relief._

“And then what?”

“And then when we're sure she isn't going to rip anyone's throat out you make good on your promise and take her off my island and I never see either of you again.”

LaFontaine's jaw dropped open. “What? But what about all the other stuff? The trauma from being orphaned? The fact that _it's Laura_.”

“I don't think I'm the right person, vampire, to help with that. You'd be better suited finding someone with more experience with these sorts of things.” She felt weird saying it, almost guilty. Almost.

“How the hell am I supposed to find someone like that?”

“Not my problem.”

LaFontaine banged their hands down onto the table.

“Don't you feel any sense of responsibility?”

“I didn't get her killed. I didn't raise her. How is any of this my responsibility?” She was trying to keep her voice level, but anger was slipping in.

“Because you...” they caught themselves and Carmilla was thankful for that because if they'd finished that sentence she might have killed them then and there.

“Because her parent sent her to you,” LaFontaine said after rethinking their wording.

“That was Mattie's decision, not mine.”

“She brought her back because of you, though!” Their brain caught up with their ears. “Wait, you knew it was Mattie?”

_Well, if I didn't before now I sure do._

“It was the only thing that made sense. Who else would bring Laura back and send her to me as a crazed baby vampire pet?”

“Did you figure the rest of it out?” they asked, sounding resigned.

“I have no clue who killed her, if that's what you mean.”

“It was Kirsch.”

Carmilla blinked.

“Wilson Kirsch? The Neanderthal zeta meat-head?”

“Your Mother turned him at some point, but I guess she held him back during the fight and he went kind of crazy after...well, after we got rid of her.”

The dream from earlier threatened to surface again but Carmilla pushed it back down.

“And he killed Laura?”

“She was trying to reason with him. She thought she could get through to him. Mattie showed up in time to stop him from killing all of us, but not in time for Laura.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes which earned her a look of pure hatred from LaFontaine.

“Of course she tried to reason with him. She really never got how dangerous we all are. It's why she was _so_ sure I could have done something differently with Danny.” It was almost ironic but Danny had been the only one to really take vampires seriously.

LaFontaine didn't say anything, back to pushing their papers around aimlessly.

“Why did you say Laura needed to tell me all that?” That part made no sense.

LaFontaine rubbed their eyes with their hands.

“Because I was hoping that after what happened she'd understand what you did better and apologize and _maybe_ it could have fixed things.”

Carmilla pursed her lips. “Do me a favor and stay out of my affairs in the future.”

LaFontaine sighed. “Yeah, right.” They looked defeated. “Are you still planning on kicking us out after she's safe? Even though Mattie brought her back for you and sent her here?”

“Yes. I'll talk to Mattie, though. She made this mess, she can clean it up.”

LaFontaine's head shot up. “Oh!” They jumped off their stool. “I forgot something. Wait here.”

They vanished out of the room leaving Carmilla to drink her blood in peace. They returned a minute or two later with an envelope that they handed to her.

“This has been ripped open,” Carmilla pointed out.

“You'd have done the same.”

Carmilla smiled a tiny bit. She would have.

She opened the envelope and pulled the single sheet of paper out of it, unfolding it and recognizing Mattie's handwriting immediately.

_Mircalla,_

_I hope you enjoy your little present. It may be a bit rough around the edges, but you always had a soft spot for broken things._

_There have been crows on my window ledge these past few nights. Take care of yourself._

The letter wasn't signed, but then it didn't need to be.

“What's the bit about crows mean?” LaFontaine asked, curiously.

_They could at least have the courtesy to pretend they didn't read it._

“I'm not sure.”

It had sent a shiver down her spine. She didn't know what Mattie was implying, but it didn't bode well if she was sending her warnings.

“But you see that Mattie sent her to you. She thought you'd want Laura to live, even if it was as a vampire.”

Carmilla exhaled through her nose.

“Mattie always thought she knew what I wanted. She was rarely correct.”

“So you'd rather Laura was really dead?”

“She _is_ really dead. We're nothing but pale shadows of our former selves.”

LaFontaine shook their head. “I don't buy that. I may not like you all the time, most of the time, but you have real emotions and thoughts and you care about Laura. That doesn't sound like a pale shadow.”

Carmilla shoved the letter back into the envelope and stuffed it in her pocket.

“Whatever lets you sleep at night.” She put her empty mug in the sink and ran some water in it. “I'm going out. I'll be back late.”

“What about Laura?”

“She's fed and is hopefully asleep. She'll be fine in there on her own.”

“And that's it?”

“Yeah, that's it.”

She ended up going back out to the beach to read because really, where else could she have gone? But sitting there, watching the waves over the top of her book, she found herself unable to focus.

_Am I really doing the right thing if I send her away? I honestly don't know how I can help her. I can barely help myself._

_But who else is there? Mattie wants nothing to do with her,_ _JP is uniquely unsuited to the task, Mother is gone. I haven't heard from most of the others I kn_ _o_ _w in decades. There's only me._

She scooped up a handful of sand and watched it trickle and fall between her fingers like the days of the last year.

_The least I can do is make a small effort to not make it worse before she needs to leave._

She remembered Laura standing with the broken remains of the charter in her hands, staring in horror at what she'd done.

_I owe her that much._

_But I keep fucking it up._

She stood, mind made up, and started back towards the house before she could lose her nerve. LaFontaine looked at her curiously when she grabbed a chair out of the kitchen and dragged it away down the hall, but they stayed silent.

Laura hadn't budged from where she curled up under the covers and gave no sign of life when Carmilla entered the room and locked the door behind her. She set up the chair against the wall halfway between the bed and the door and sat in it, book on her lap.

“This room gets the best natural light in the house so I'm going to sit in here and read. Don't mind me.”

When there was still no response Carmilla shrugged to herself and opened her book.

 _Maybe this is a better way. I've been moving too fast with everything and it's leaving us both confused._ _Need to slow it down a little._

She read in silence for about twenty minutes before she heard a rustling coming from Laura's side of the room. She glanced over out of the corner of her eye to see that Laura head had emerged from under the sheets. She was watching Carmilla closely.

Carmilla ignored her and kept reading.

“Sorry.” Laura's voice was soft, hesitant.

Carmilla felt herself twitch towards the door but fought down the urge.

“What for?” she asked, keeping her voice casual.

When Laura didn't answer right away Carmilla put her book down and turned to look at her. Laura was biting her lip, a disturbingly human gesture, and her forehead was wrinkled.

_She doesn't even know what she's apologizing for._

“I...I didn't want this to be your problem. I told them...” Laura swallowed and looked on the verge of tears again.

“From my understanding you didn't ask to be turned into a vampire, and you didn't want to come here, so that part's hardly your fault.” This felt so weird, talking to Laura again when she almost sounded like Laura. A broken, defeated version of Laura, but still Laura.

“I'm always making a mess of everything.”

Carmilla sighed. “Beating yourself up about this isn't going to help.”

_There are other things more worthy of an apology, but I'm not sure I could sit here for that. This is safer._

It was also eerily similar to the conversation they'd had after Vordenberg's defeat. Had they really gotten absolutely nowhere since then?

“Maybe not, but it still shouldn't be your problem.” Laura was sitting up now, wrapped in her sheet and hugging her knees. “Once...once it's safe for me to be on my own again, I'll leave. You've done enough.”

And there it was, the easy out Carmilla had been looking for being handed to her on a silver platter. Because wasn't this exactly what she'd told LaFontaine she'd wanted earlier today? Laura gone as soon as possible?

So why did it feel so wrong when she was sitting here watching Laura stare at her with eyes full of self-loathing?

“I don't….” Carmilla stopped, let out a deep breath and tried again. “Look, don't worry about any of that stuff right now. Focus on getting better. Then we can figure out what to do next.”

It was the best she could offer right now.

“Okay. Tha...” Laura stopped herself. “Sorry.”

Carmilla looked back to the book sitting in her lap.

“Go back to sleep, Laura.”

After Laura had lain back down, Carmilla picked her book back up and pretended to read until it got dark.

She tried to be quiet when she got up and left, taking the chair with her and locking the door behind her, but when she glanced back through the window she saw Laura's head slightly raised, looking after her.

“I'll be back tomorrow.”

It seemed almost superfluous to say because of course she'd be back tomorrow, how else was Laura going to get fed? But Laura nodded seriously at her words (as if they were some deep, eternal wisdom) before laying back down.

LaFontaine was still in the damn kitchen (Carmilla suspected this was because there wasn't much in the way of furniture in the house and they wanted the counter top for their papers) and didn't look up at her when she came in to return the chair. She caught them smiling to themselves though.

“Have a good day?” they asked, feigning casualness.

“About the same as any other.”

LaFontaine put their pen down and looked up.

“Can I ask you some questions?”

Carmilla froze with her hand on the handle of the refrigerator.

“About what?”

“Vampires, in general.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes as she got herself a blood bag from the fridge.

“Why?”

“I'm curious, especially with the whole Laura thing. I mean if you're really kicking us out I'm going to need to know enough to take care of her, right?”

“About that...”

LaFontaine's face lit up. “You changed your mind?”

“I haven't decided anything yet. Let's see how it goes, okay?”

Their hopeful expression was grating on her nerves.

“Can I still ask some questions?”

Carmilla pulled herself up onto the edge of the counter, sensing she wasn't going to get out of here anytime soon.

_Also I could use a distraction right now._

“I never agreed in the first place.”

“Please?” They attempted to make sad puppy-dog eyes at her, which, Carmilla decided, was something they were spectacularly unsuited for.

“Ask. I won't promise to answer.”

LaFontaine pumped their fist in victory. “Yessss. Okay, first question, when we got here I noticed right away that Laura sometimes backs off around you. She'll stop attacking the door and move back a little and watch. She never did that with any of us, not even JP. Is it because it's you or is it some deeper vampire thing?”

“I don't think Laura had any idea who I was when she first got here, so it had nothing to do with me specifically.” Carmilla swirled the blood in her mug, looking into it for an explanation. “My guess is it had more to do with her sensing an older, more powerful vampire. She was being cautious, assessing.”

_And even if JP is technically older than her he's about as threatening as a teething puppy._

“You're the alpha vampire then? I didn't know vampires had hierarchy like that.”

“It's complicated.” She didn't want to get into too many details here. “Older vampires sometimes have a group of younger ones around, usually their children. Like Mother had me and Will. They offer protection in return for obedience.”

“But you can tell who's more powerful? Is it an instinctive thing or more like when wolves fight and then the loser rolls over and exposes its neck?”

“More instinctive. And I thought I banned you from metaphors.”

“Isn't it technically a simile? Or maybe an analogy.”

Carmilla's eyes narrowed dangerously.

LaFontaine cleared their throat and hurriedly continued. “So today Laura basically attacked you when you went in the room. Does she no longer think you're more powerful?”

Carmilla had been thinking about that, too.

“I don't think it was that. She tried to get past me first and only attacked once I pinned her down. She was pretty blood-crazed at the time so even her self-preservation instincts may have been down for the count. She may also be testing her boundaries a bit.”

LaFontaine was jotting down notes in the margin of a piece of paper. “This is so cool, like discovering the habits of a completely new species.”

“This completely new species is liable to throw your papers in the fireplace unless you show some respect.”

“I know, I know, it's just...cool.” They grinned awkwardly.

“Cool. Right.”

“Okay, so how about powers? Will Laura be able to change into a cat or something?”

Carmilla shrugged. “It's quite probable. All Mother's children could and since she's, uh, related to us, it's a distinct possibility. Usually doesn't happen for a century or so.”

“Advanced vampire techniques. Got it. Any way to tell what it might be?”

“No.”

“What about some of the other stuff? Like how your Mother could jump to different bodies? Is that common?”

Carmilla felt her blood freeze in her veins, her dreams rushing back to her.

“No, that's not common.”

LaFontaine sighed. “I guess Perry got unlucky.” Their cheer from a minute ago had vanished and they looked miserable again.

_Well, they brought it up._

“How is...everyone else?” she asked, not really wanting to know.

LaFontaine was suddenly very intent on their notes.

“Everyone is...okay. About as well as can be expected. It...it hasn't been easy for Perry and things keep happening. Weird things. I don't know how to describe it.” They shifted back and forth on their seat. “JP is doing pretty well, though. He's been helping me take care of Perry. He's watching her right now actually. He wanted to be the one to bring Laura so I could stay with Perry, but...” They looked even more uncomfortable. “...but I wasn't sure he'd be able to make a rational decision if things got out of hand.”

_They were afraid JP wouldn't be able to kill Laura if she got loose and went out of control. But they took that on themselves. No wonder they look so tired._

“And Mel and the Summers are pretty much in control of Silas now, not that you care. The Zetas are under their thumb for the time being. They've been a mess since Theo got killed.”

“Good to hear Silas is still being run sanely.” Her sarcasm got a smile out of LaFontaine.

“Same old Silas.”

They lapsed into silence, LaFontaine revising the notes they'd taken and Carmilla finishing her blood. After she put the mug in the sink she started to head towards the door.

“Carmilla?” LaFontaine called after her.

“What? I need to go sleep. Being vampire lunch is exhausting.”

“There's something I need to tell you but you're going to be really mad about it.”

Carmilla turned back around. “Well, doesn't that sound promising.”

“So, please don't rip my throat out but I only found out about an hour ago and it was already too late for me to do anything about it.”

“Spit it out.”

“Uh, so I've got a satellite phone, one of those fancy ones that give global coverage, right? And JP has one, too, so he can contact me. But I hadn't heard from him since I got here and I was starting to get worried.”

“And? What? You want me to go track him down or something? Because no way.”

LaFontaine shook their head. “No, nothing like that. He called me earlier today, finally. And, well, they're kind of on their way here.”

Carmilla blinked once and remained silent.

LaFontaine looked at her nervously. “Uh, can you say something? You're freaking me out.”

“I was thinking about how nice your intestines would look spread out in the garden. It was a soothing thought.”

“You don't have a garden.”

“ _Don't push me right now._ ” It came out as a growl.

They swallowed. “Yeah, sorry. I didn't want them to come here; they didn't tell me. I think Perry got really upset when I left and JP was desperate. Also Mattie seemed to think it was a good idea for some reason.”

“Mattie's with them?” Just what she needed.

“No, not anymore. She stopped to check in. I think she's always worried Perry is still secretly possessed or something. She offered to get them here. It'll be a lot faster for them, too, since they don't have to worry about traveling while keeping a feral vampire under control.”

“When?”

“Three or four days.”

“And I suppose you're all planning to stay here?”

_I really don't know if I can deal with Perry right now. Maybe I could get them one of those cabins the tourists stay in?_

“If it's okay with you, yeah. I'd like to be close to Perry but I don't want to leave Laura.”

“We'll see. I need to...I've had a long day. I need some sleep.” She left before they could say anything else.

She paused before going back upstairs to peer in to the white room. Laura was still in bed, but awake. She glanced up when Carmilla looked in.

“Goodnight, Laura.” Her voice cracked in the middle but she hoped Laura wouldn't notice.

Something that was almost the ghost of a smile flickered across Laura's mouth.

“Night.”

Carmilla left, heading back up to her room, praying to any deity that might be listening that she didn't dream that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few mysteries cleared up there, and a few added.
> 
> I always love when authors/artists post what music they listen to when they write/create a specific work. I have one of the weirdest playlists ever for this one so here are some random songs from it:
> 
> Waltz #2 (XO) - Elliott Smith  
> くちづけ - Buck-Tick (that's Kuchizuke when romanized and it's the opening credits song for a really creepy vampire anime called Shiki)  
> Famous Blue Raincoat - Leonard Cohen  
> Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - Nina Simone  
> Mess - Ben Folds Five  
> Lucinda - Tom Waits  
> Piano Sonata No.17, Allegretto - Beethoven
> 
> I don't know if that sort of thing actually interests anyone but if someone wants the full playlist, lmk, and I'll post it on tumblr.
> 
> My [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/).


	5. Diamonds and Rust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood but only a tiny bit
> 
> I love the song I used for the opening this time. The title fits so well that I almost wish I'd called the whole fic this.

_Now you're telling me_  
_You're not nostalgic_  
_Then give me another word for it_  
_You who are so good with words_  
_And at keeping things vague_  
_Because I need some of that vagueness now_  
_It's all come back too clearly_  
_Yes I loved you dearly_  
_And if you're offering me diamonds and rust_  
_I've already paid_

_Diamonds and Rust - Joan Baez_

 

The next few days fell into an almost-comfortable pattern: Carmilla slept in until around noon, went hunting, fed Laura, spent the rest of the day reading in the white room, and then went back to bed. Sometimes she dodged LaFontaine's questions about vampire physiology.

LaFontaine, for their part, had found a couple disassembled bed frames in one of the rooms upstairs and was intent on putting some back together so JP and Perry would actually have somewhere to sleep when they got there. They were insisting on making one for Carmilla as well, which, even though she claimed she didn't need, she was sort of looking forward to. They'd also discovered a couple mattresses in the basement (“Why does your basement resemble a dungeon? Wait, nevermind.”) which were airing out on the front porch.

Laura, after the short conversation they'd had previously, was mostly back to not talking. She was improving steadily and hadn't had a full relapse since the last time. Feeding now consisted of Carmilla sitting next to her, a careful distance between them, holding her arm out so Laura could bite her wrist. Usually nothing more than very loose, polite pleasantries (“Hello.”, “Good night.”) were exchanged between them.

LaFontaine came in from time to time (always supervised by Carmilla) to try and engage Laura in slightly more involved conversation, but it seemed to make Laura nervous and she only responded with short, uninvested answers much to LaFontaine's distress.

“Does she hate me?” they asked Carmilla during one of their evenings in the kitchen.

“No. She...needs time.”

“For what?” They were very agitated. “If she's like this when Perry gets here it's going to upset Perry even more.”

Carmilla shrugged. “It's going to take time for her to figure herself out. I'm not going to try and force that just so your little buddy feels better about herself.”

LaFontaine nodded, glumly. Carmilla almost felt bad for them, they'd had to put up with both Laura and Perry on their own with only the dubious help of JP. But they weren't her concern here.

_I don't have the capacity to deal with more than one person's emotional trauma at a time._

It was on the third day since Carmilla had learned she was about to get unexpected guests that Laura spoke up again.

They'd had to switch back to letting Laura feed from Carmilla's neck today because the insides of both her wrists needed to heal up a little. With Laura more or less herself it was even more awkward now. They ended up with Carmilla sitting on the edge of the bed with Laura kneeling behind her.

Laura brushed Carmilla's hair to the side with one hand and let her other hand rest on Carmilla's shoulder lightly, as if she were afraid to touch her. She'd learned to bite a lot more cleanly now, but it still hurt a little.

Carmilla's hands balled into fists in the sheets, her eyes shut. It wasn't quite intimate, but it was close enough to be uncomfortable. She was relieved when Laura drew back and she quickly got up and walked a few steps away, pressing her hand over the puncture marks.

“You're getting better at this,” was all she said.

“I guess.” Laura's voice sounded a little weird and Carmilla turned around to face her.

Laura had retreated to the far side of the bed and was sitting up against the wall, hugging her knees. Her face was a little more flushed than it should have been and….

Carmilla sighed internally.

 _I sort of remember that. Feeding and sex were pretty tied together when I was first turned. It's not her fault,_ _probably just going to happen more now that she's evening out and becoming more like a normal baby vampire._ _As long as she can keep it under control I can ignore it._

She pretended not to notice anything was out of the ordinary and went back to her chair, scooping up the book she'd already placed there.

She'd only read for a few minutes when Laura interrupted her.

“Carm..illa?”

She glanced up to find Laura looking at her, the fear that had been almost constant in her eyes lately swimming to the surface.

“Yeah?”

“Is it...would it be okay if I asked a few questions?”

Carmilla stiffened involuntarily.

“About vampire stuff,” Laura hastily clarified.

“Oh. Yeah, that might be a good idea, huh?” She should have encouraged questions sooner.

_Worst vampire foster parent ever._

“The, uh, all the feelings I have now, like how much I want blood, is that always going to be like that?” The way her voice constricted around the words let Carmilla know how worried she was about this.

“No. It gets a lot easier in time. Should die down a little at least over the next week or so.”

“Will I always have to feed on someone else from time to time or can I live off blood bags indefinitely?” She laughed bitterly at her own words. “Right, 'live'. Maybe not the best word.”

“You can live off the blood bags indefinitely as far as I know, but Laura, there's going to come a time when you're cut off from a supply. It'll happen and you're going to have to deal with that.”

Laura fidgeted with her hands, no longer looking at Carmilla. “I don't want to.”

“You've been feeding off me for the last few days.”

“That's different. You're a vampire and you know what you're doing. Also you could stop me. A human wouldn't be able to.”

“Listen,” Carmilla put her book down and came over to sit on the edge of the bed. “You may have to feed, but you don't have to kill. That's your choice.”

_But you will. Sooner or later you will. It's in your nature now whether you like it or not._

Laura nodded but didn't look convinced. “What if I can't control myself? What if after I leave here I go right back to how I was and I hurt someone?”

“That's not too likely. You're over the worst of it. The only thing that would cause you to go feral like that again would be if you were systematically starved for a long time.”

Laura's eyes went wide. “Why would that happen?” Realization flickered through her eyes. “Oh. Right. When your mother locked you in a coffin.”

“Exactly. I spent my share of time in this room right here recovering after that.” Her eyes flicked to the faint blood stains on the floor. “It wasn't that different from what you went through except I had Mother to take care of me.”

“You were...” Laura glanced around the room as if she were seeing it for the first time. “That's...I didn't know.” She looked back down at her hands. “And I have you taking care of me.”

Carmilla had to turn away from her, hide her expression. “It's not exactly that same.”

_And I've done a pretty shitty job of it._

“Why not?” Laura didn't sound anything but curious, but they were skirting on the edges of a dangerous topic, more dangerous than Laura knew. Which was really half the problem anyway and always had been.

She chose to defuse it with the truth, moving away from the trickier bits.

“I'm not your parent vampire, we don't share that sort of bond. If we did this would be a lot easier because you'd have to obey me and you'd also find my presence more soothing.”

“Parent vampire?”

_I never got to explain this to her and I guess Mattie never bothered to._

_Thanks a lot, Mattie._

“The vampire who raised you. There's a bond there, like a rope connecting you both. In the first decade or so it gives the parent power over their child. After that it fades a lot and they can't control the child anymore. But the connection remains and in extreme circumstances parents are sometimes able to reassert control, though it's generally frowned upon.”

“I always felt compelled to do what Mattie told me to, but I could resist sometimes. Like when she tried to make me feed on a human.”

“You shouldn't have been able to. Probably some combination of how deeply opposed to it you were and how little Mattie was interested in actually taking care of you.” Mattie had told her on multiple occasions how little interest she had in ever raising any other vampires. Too much effort, she'd claimed.

“But Mattie could still technically control me? If she ever came back?” There was fear in Laura's voice.

“Uh, no. I'm pretty sure she cut the connection between you completely. You can't undo that. Mattie will never be able to control you again.” Carmilla quashed the part of her that felt grateful for that.

“When Mattie left...” Laura's voice sounded weird again and Carmilla looked back at her. Laura's hands were fisted in the sheets the way Carmilla's had been earlier. A single tear escaped from her eye and slid down her cheek. Carmilla clenched her jaw.

“It was awful,” Laura continued, “and I didn't know why. I _hated_ her. But when she left I felt torn open, alone. And I couldn't understand _why_. It didn't make any sense at all but all I could think was that she'd left and I didn't have anyone anymore and...” She was crying freely now.

Carmilla shoved herself back across the bed to sit next to Laura against the wall, and awkwardly patted her on the shoulder. She wanted to wrap her arms around Laura, tell her it was going to be okay, but that wasn't something she could do anymore.

“She shouldn't have done that. It wasn't your fault. Mattie is…. She's a free spirit, she detests being tied down. But that still wasn't right of her.”

Laura nodded, her crying had slowed down, but her face was a mess of tears.

“Will it ever stop feeling like this? So alone? So...unwanted?” she asked, voice rough from crying.

Carmilla withdrew her hand and matched Laura's position, hugging her knees to her chest.

“I don't know. I've never had to deal with it.”

_At least not because of being orphaned._

“What about when your Mother died?”

Carmilla squeezed her eyes shut. “Can we not talk about that?”

“Okay.” Laura sounded puzzled and a little hurt.

It was a larger conversation that they'd probably need to have eventually, one which Carmilla absolutely didn't want any part of. But she knew if she was to continue taking care of Laura for an extended period of time and be of any real use to her it would all have to come out eventually.

“Did you have any other questions?” she asked, hoping to move away from any talk of Mother. “You know, your friend out there has been trying to write some sort of textbook on vampires, I can't swear to its accuracy, but if they've been paying attention to half the stuff I've told them it might be somewhat helpful.”

Laura scrunched up her face. “Like 'How to Be a Vampire for Dummies'?” She giggled and then stopped, as if surprised at the noise.

“Also, the rest of your motley crew is supposed to show up in a few days,” Carmilla said. She didn't think she'd mentioned it yet. “They'd be here already but there was a storm so they're a little held up.”

“Perry and JP?” Laura's face lit up but then quickly darkened again. “Will I still be stuck in here when they get here? I know they've seen me bad before, but I'd rather they not have to again.”

Carmilla considered. “I think you'll be ready for a supervised outing by tomorrow.”

Laura smiled, one of her old smiles that lit up her entire face with radiance and never failed to make Carmilla weak.

“I'd like that.”

“Well, don't go nuts before tomorrow and we'll see.” Carmilla slid forward off the bed and went back to her chair. “Now let me get some reading done.”

“Of course.”

Carmilla got in another five minutes of reading before Laura spoke up again.

“Carmilla? Do you think you could lend me a book or something? Now that I'm...more me I'm getting really bored. There's only so many hours I can spend staring at the ocean before I go insane.” She frowned. “Uh, not really insane. You know what I mean.”

Carmilla chuckled. “I know what you mean. I tell you what, we'll make that your outing tomorrow.” She wasn't quite comfortable with what that entailed, but she didn't have a better idea.

“What do you mean?”

“You'll see. Now hush and go sleep. If you want to get out of here you need to keep sleeping and feeding.”

“Okay. And thanks.” Laura froze in horror, realizing what she'd said. “For the information on vampires. That's all I meant.”

Carmilla hadn't even felt the urge to leave this time. She wondered if she was alright with that.

“Someone needs to educate your ignorant ass and since my sister failed so spectacularly it's my job now.”

Laura nodded and crawled back under the covers, leaving Carmilla to finally read in peace.

Later that evening Carmilla checked in on LaFontaine who was struggling with a wrench and some screws on a bed frame in Carmilla's room.

“Need some help?”

LaFontaine narrowed their eyes. “Why? What do you need from me?”

Carmilla threw her hands up in disgust. “Seriously? This is why I never try to be nice.”

“Sorry, I'm not used to it from you.”

“Well, it's going to be my bed so I figured if I help it will speed things up so I don't have to spend another night sleeping on the floor.”

“Ah, pragmatism. That I can buy.”

Carmilla ended up holding the heavy wooden boards in place while LaFontaine did the rest of the work, fitting in screws and tightening them.

“I could use one of those Ikea manuals right about now,” LaFontaine grumbled.

“Less complaining, more screwing.”

LaFontaine froze.

“Well that was highly inappropriate.” They were fighting back a smile.

“Just hurry up.”

“Like you're even tired yet with your vampiric strength.”

Carmilla groaned. “Just because I _can_ do something doesn't mean I _want_ to.”

“You _are_ pretty useless sometimes. No offense.”

“It's my life aspiration.”

It was fairly late by the time they finished, but time had become a bit meaningless here on the island.

“Should we try and wrestle the mattress up the stairs tonight or leave that for the morning?” LaFontaine asked, carefully packing up the small toolset they'd found.

“Let's get it over with.” She wanted to make sure she had enough time for what she had planned with Laura tomorrow.

Their efforts to get the mattress up the staircase were probably worthy of an entire sequence in a silent comedy and they both resolved (without speaking) to pretend the entire affair had never occurred.

“It almost looks like a real bedroom now,” LaFontaine said, looking at the bed in the middle of Carmilla's room. It still needed sheets, but it was basically functional.

“Yeah.” The thought made her uncomfortable. It made this place seem too much like a home.

“I'm heading to bed.” LaFontaine started towards the door.

“Same.”

She waited until LaFontaine was in the bathroom before she sneaked back down the stairs to the door of the white room.

“Night, Laura.”

“Night.”

It had become their nightly ritual which she'd been going to great lengths to hide from LaFontaine.

She hoped it was helping Laura because it sure wasn't helping her dreams. Maybe the new bed would help with them, a change of location as it were.

She made the bed up with fresh sheets and took a quick shower, not wanting to climb into the clean sheets dirty, and actually took the time to comb her hair out properly.

Despite the new bed, the dreams returned that night. Snatches of the distant past mixed with more recent images warred back and forth in her mind all night.

_“...I brought you these books...”_

_“...love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone...”_

_“...a diamond...”_

_“...can you please just be that?”_

_“...you'll stay, right?”_

_“...I need you to be the kind of person who...”_

_“...we'll start the game over, see if you can spot your mistakes...”_

_“..._ _it's not enough_ _...”_

_“...please, Mircalla...”_

_“...you fall in love with a monster...”_

_“...sometimes you must sacrifice a piece in order to win the game...”_

_“...how can you be more upset about some monster then...”_

_“..._ _I feel pathetic_ _...”_

 _“...you didn't even try_ _to help her_ _...”_

 _“…_ _Mircalla...”_

 _“_ _...and I have you taking care of me...”_

She woke up to find that she'd ripped her new sheets.

“Why do I keep doing this to myself?” she muttered, head in hands. “Fuck!”

She waited until her heart-rate had steadied itself before she finally got up. She spent a long time staring blankly at the clothes in her wardrobe before finally selecting a pair of navy jeans and a red shirt. It felt odd to wear something that wasn't the loose cotton clothes she'd been partial to for so long, but also good. Like she was more in control, ready to do something, though what she wasn't sure.

It was much earlier than she'd intended to wake up and LaFontaine hadn't stirred yet though she could hear Laura pacing around in the white room. It was something she'd started doing in the last two days: pacing up and down to work off the unspent energy she was building up.

 _Can't keep a_ _baby_ _vampire_ _cooped up for too long. She must be going stir-crazy._

Carmilla wandered over to the door of the white room and watched Laura pacing back and forth. It brought back memories of Laura at Silas, frustrated and trying to find a way out of whatever apocalypse they'd landed in this time.

“Morning,” Carmilla called quietly.

Laura jumped and turned towards the door.

“Oh, hi. Good morning. I hope I didn't wake you up; I couldn't sleep anymore and I've got all this pent up energy and I don't know what to do with it.”

“Well, after I get you some breakfast we'll see about getting you out of there for a few hours.”

“About the breakfast thing...” Laura looked at the floor. “You're not...”

“I told you, I'm not killing anyone. And I'm not taking that much from any one person.”

Laura didn't look completely reassured but let it go.

“Do you think I could come along sometime? See how it's done? You said I'd need to know someday. In case.”

“Uhhh...”

_That would be the weirdest thing I've ever had to do and I once stabbed a fish god with a cursed sword._

“We'll see,” she managed. She stretched. “I might be a little longer than usual, I'm going to head up to the next town over. There's been one too many mysterious bites in this town lately.”

“Oh, I hope I'm not getting you in trouble.”

“Eh. This sort of thing can happen when a vampire stays in one spot for too long.”

“That makes it sound lonely. Always having to move around.”

Carmilla tilted her head to one side, considering how best to explain it. “Obviously things like the blood bags make it less of an issue. And there's other vampires. Mattie and I spent years together.”

“I don't know any other vampires. I mean JP. And Mattie, though I'm pretty sure we won't be hanging out anytime soon.” She paused. “And you.”

“Yeah.”

The silence hung between them until Carmilla couldn't take it anymore.

“I'll be back as soon as I can.” She turned and headed away, strangely glad that Laura was trapped and couldn't follow her.

She waited until she got into the woods to shift into cat form, having to try twice before she actually managed. It had been far too long. She stretched from head to tail, enjoying the feel of her wiry feline muscles sliding under her skin, and then she set out at a run, sticking to the deeper part of the woods to avoid the potential of running into any humans. Panthers were most certainly not native to the island and seeing one would probably set off a panic at the very least and possibly a hunt.

She hadn't spent much time in the next town, but it was almost strangely identical to the closer one and in no time at all she'd obtained what she needed and was heading back.

On the edge of the town nearer to her house she shifted back and walked through the center of town. She didn't think anyone was really paying attention, but it gave her an alibi should she ever need one. No human could have gotten between the towns that quickly.

The townsfolk did their normal routine of avoiding eye-contact with her and crossing to the other side of the street to avoid her. But it was a little different somehow. There was a raised sense of hostility she could feel almost buzzing through the air. Something was different.

_Maybe someone caught on to all the mysterious puncture wounds going around town lately. Good thing I went to the other town today._

No one approached her or tried to stop her from leaving town at least.

The house was still mostly quiet when she got back.

_Ginger nerd must have worn themselves out with all that furniture building yesterday. Well, makes my life a little easier._

Laura had stopped pacing and was looking out the windows at the ocean. The morning sunlight was shining around her, wrapping her in light, her hair gleaming gold.

Carmilla almost left right then and there.

Instead she knocked softly on the door and Laura moved away from the window to come towards her as Carmilla unlocked the door and slid inside. She left it unlocked today.

“Are you wrists healed enough?” Laura's face was a bit red.

_At least I know the whole thing is making her really uncomfortable, too._

“Think the left one should be.”

 _What a weird conversation to be having._ _Of course after Silas maybe it's not that weird._

Carmilla had gotten complacent enough with the whole wrist-feeding process that she now just sat and read a book with her free hand. It was almost enough of a distraction.

When Laura finished Carmilla pulled her arm back and examined her wrist. The punctures wounds from two days ago were fading quickly and now there was a fresh new set right next to the first.

_Good thing we don't scar._

“Feeling up to an outing?” she asked, rubbing the excess blood off her wrist with her thumb and then licking it off.

“Where are we going?”

“For today we're sticking to the house.”

Laura looked a little disappointed but still excited. She didn't move from the bed when Carmilla went over and unlocked the door, pushing it wide open.

“You coming?” Carmilla asked.

_Why hasn't she moved?_

Laura moved over to join her, peering out into the hall. She turned to meet Carmilla's eyes.

“If...you can get me back in here if you need to, right?”

“Don't worry, I can handle one baby vampire.” She smiled, making it a joke, and moved out into the hall. Her hand itched to reach back for Laura's and lead her out, but she couldn't do that. Not yet; maybe not ever.

Instead she headed down the hallway, gesturing for Laura to follow her. She let herself glance back to see Laura peering around at everything, eyes huge. After so long locked up in one place or another all this freedom must have felt very odd indeed.

Carmilla paused at the bottom of the stairs because LaFontaine was half-way down them. They gaped when they saw Laura with her but recovered quickly.

“Uh, good morning, guys.”

“Mornings are terrible by definition,” Carmilla replied by way of returning the greeting.

Laura didn't say anything, shrinking back behind her, clutching at the bottom of Carmilla's shirt like a little child.

_Is she scared of them?_

_No. She's scared of what she might do to them._

“It's okay,” Carmilla told her softly enough that LaFontaine wouldn't be able to hear.

“Hey, Laf.” It was soft and a bit hesitant, but it was enough to bring a huge grin to LaFontaine's face.

“What's with the early morning outing? Giving her the grand tour?”

Carmilla kicked herself for not warning them that she was letting Laura out today. Probably not the best thing to blind-side someone with.

“Something like that. We're headed up to the third floor.”

LaFontaine scowled. “But when I tried to go up there you threatened to break all my fingers. Also, it's locked with some keypad thing.”

Carmilla chose to ignore the fact that they'd clearly tried to go up anyway.

“Different circumstances.”

They must have decided not to push the issue any further because they simply shrugged and continued down the stairs past the two vampires. Laura stepped back a little, keeping Carmilla in between herself and her friend.

“You're probably past the point of randomly attacking people for no good reason,” Carmilla told her as they climbed the stairs together. “Especially since you've fed this morning.”

“I know, but if something happened...”

“Some day you're going to have to trust yourself.”

Laura hung her head. “I don't even know who I am anymore.”

“You've got a lot of time to figure that out now.”

“I guess I do.”

Carmilla gave Laura a very brief tour of the second floor since most of the rooms were empty. Laura took her time studying Carmilla's room.

“It's a mess.”

Carmilla looked at the ever-spreading tidal wave of clothing on the floor.

“It doesn't look much like you. Other than the mess part,” Laura said, her eyes taking in the bare walls and lack of furniture.

“There wasn't even a bed in here until last night,” Carmilla pointed out.

Laura turned to look at her. “Where were you sleeping then?”

“On the floor.” Carmilla felt uncomfortable, wishing she hadn't brought it up in the first place. “My regular bed was occupied by an angry baby vampire.”

“Oh. I didn't mean to take your bed.” Laura looked guilty and Carmilla kicked herself because she was just making this whole conversation worse every time she opened her mouth.

But maybe some small part of her wanted Laura to feel bad about it.

“It's fine. I can sleep anywhere.”

“Why would you have chosen to sleep in that room, though? It's awful.”

“It was convenient.” The lie didn't make any sort of sense but Laura must have sensed that it was a touchy subject because she stopped asking.

“That's the bathroom where you took a shower before,” Carmilla said, pointing out the door near the end of the hall. “If you're feeling up to it you can grab another shower again tonight.”

“Yeah, I'd like to clean up a bit before JP and Perry show up. I didn't look so great last time they saw me.”

“This way.” Carmilla led her to another, smaller staircase near the end of the hall.

“What's up there?” Laura was peering up the steps.

“Come up and find out.”

It wasn't a very long flight of stairs and there was a heavy, sealed door at the top with a numeric keypad lock next to it which Carmilla tapped a code into. There was a click and the heavy door handle swung under her grasp.

Laura shivered next to her when slightly chilly air came out in a rush. Carmilla fought back a smile.

“You're not really cold, you know. Or, you are, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's a reaction.”

“It still _feels_ cold.” And Carmilla smiled because she'd missed how petulant Laura could be.

_Little by little she's getting back under my skin. This is what I was afraid of. Maybe bringing her here was a mistake._

_Too late._

She went inside, waiting for Laura to follow and pushed the heavy door shut behind them, sealing them in.

“What is this place?” Laura asked, still rubbing her arms from the temperature drop.

“Go take a look.”

Carmilla leaned against the wall by the door, content to watch Laura explore. The room was huge, taking up the entire top floor of the house, and packed with dark wood shelves that reached all the way up to the high ceiling. Every shelf was completely full of books of every shape and size. On one wall were a couple cases with sealed glass doors behind which were much older books, kept carefully climate-controlled and away from dust.

“It's a library?” Laura asked, walking cautiously along the shelves, one hand trailing over the spines of the books.

“More or less. It's a place to store books.”

Laura inhaled deeply.

“I can smell the paper, the leather bindings, all of it. It's so overpowering.”

“Well, all your senses are a lot stronger now. Smell, sight, hearing.”

Laura shuddered. “The noise of the ship engines was almost intolerable.” She turned around in the center of the room, gazing at all of it. “Did you set this up?”

Carmilla snorted. “Hardly. Mother was collecting books long before I was ever turned. She has plenty of these little stashes hidden all over the world.” Carmilla pushed off the wall and went over to sprawl into a red leather armchair on the far side of the room in front of a cold, empty fireplace.

She watched Laura for a few minutes, drumming her fingers on the chair arm.

“Do you...do you like it?” she finally asked, unable to stop herself.

“Ir's extraordinary. It's amazing how many there are here. Why did your Mother collect them?”

“Because she thought knowledge was important, that literature and verse were some of the most important contributions humanity had to offer. And art of course.”

Laura paused to look at her. “Really? She liked books and art? I thought she was mostly into murdering people for her fish god.”

Carmilla sighed. “Laura, we stayed in her house for an entire semester, didn't you notice it was completely full of books and art?”

“I guess I wasn't thinking about it at the time.” Laura disappeared between two shelves.

Carmilla stayed where she was, content to let Laura wander for a little bit. She'd only been up here once since she'd come back and the whole place still set her a little on edge.

“Did you know about this place before you came here?” Laura asked, emerging back out into the central area.

“Obviously. Mother made sure Mattie and I were very well-educated, well-read. I think later on she lost interest in bettering all her children.”

Neither she nor Mattie had any explanation for Will. What had Mother been thinking there? Though considering the final fight she'd been a lot more willing to raise children to be muscle rather than worthy successors.

“Why did she care? I mean she never was very nice to you.”

They were straying back into conversation areas that Carmilla would rather have avoided for now.

“After I recovered from being raised Mother brought me a stack of books she thought it was essential that I read. She told me that I was required to read all of them and should ask questions about any words or concepts I didn't understand. She didn't want me ignorant.” A ghost of a smile crossed her lips. “I knew how to read already, of course, but I'd never been encouraged to read for knowledge or pleasure.”

“She also locked you in a coffin for decades.” Laura's voice was cold and suddenly this was far too much like what had happened a year ago and Carmilla couldn't deal with it.

“Yes, she did. Find some books to read. Nothing too old or fragile. Then we're heading back.” Her tone was clipped, almost angry now.

The hurt confusion in Laura's eyes almost drove Carmilla over the edge again.

_How can I explain something to her that she's not willing to hear?_

Laura took her time moving between all the shelves and pulling books off to examine them one at a time. After about thirty minutes or so she'd chosen three and carried them over to Carmilla.

“I think I've got enough to read for right now.”

“We can head back down then.” Carmilla got up and moved past her, not even bothering to see what books Laura had selected.

“Carm?”

The nickname froze her heart and her steps.

“Sorry,” Laura said immediately. “I just...I can tell you're still angry at me, really angry, and I don't completely understand why. I know that after what happened in the fight and with Danny I got mad, and I'm still not sure I agree with what happened, but is that what this is all about?”

Carmilla stood still as a statue.

“Because you left. And I know I told you to leave, but I didn't think…. I never thought you'd disappear like that. And I kept thinking I must have done something but I couldn't figure out what it was and it was killing me.” Laura's voice was half-choked now, holding back emotion.

“What do you want from me, Laura?” It was all she could manage to ask.

“Can we talk, maybe? Fix this somehow? You've...you've done so much for me and I'm so grateful but I feel like every time I open my mouth I manage to hurt you and I don't know _why_. And I never wanted to hurt you.”

“When has talking ever helped us, Laura?” Carmilla could hear her voice, cold and hollow, echoing in her own ears. “I've tried, god have I tried. But you never seem to hear what I'm saying, only what you want to hear me say. And I can't do this again.”

“But maybe this time...”

“No.” She put as much finality into it as she could.

“Why not?” Laura sounded so desperate, lost.

“Because sometimes the good parts aren't worth the bad ones, Laura.”

Carmilla heard Laura choke on a sob and clenched her fists, nails digging into her palms.

“We're going back downstairs now.”

She headed for the door without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to stay about a chapter ahead of what I post but due to some Real Life Bullshit I haven't started chapter 6 yet. Still hoping to get it done and posted over the weekend. 
> 
> (also the real life bullshit involved me being in a hospital ER for an insufferably boring amount of time during which I started mentally writing a smutty Hollstein ER AU...blood pressure cuffs can totally be used for light bondage, right?)
> 
> Get ready for some Perry and JP next time.
> 
> My [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/).


	6. All Alone As I've Learned To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge apology, this took a lot longer to write than anticipated due to another exciting ER visit and various other health-related bullshit. The exciting news is I'm getting (low-risk) surgery on Friday and should hopefully be fixed after that. 
> 
> I also had a lot of trouble getting this chapter to work in general, I don't think it's one of my best. It's a transitional chapter, a set-up for things to come. It may also have more typos/grammar errors than usual due to the large amount of pain medication I'm currently on that makes all the words on the page seem like happy scribbles. I hope you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> TW: Blood

_There are rooms in this house that I don't open anymore_  
_Dusty books and pictures on the floor_  
_And she will never see_  
_She'll never see that part of me_  
_I want to be for her_  
_What I could never be for you_  
  
_And I don't believe in god_  
_So I can't be saved_  
_All alone as I've learned to be_  
_In this mess I have made_

_-Mess, Ben Folds Five_

 

 

“We need to talk about Perry.” LaFontaine had their notes spread out on the table again but hadn't really been looking at them for the last ten minutes.

Carmilla, for her part, was sitting on the counter trying not to think about the fact Laura was taking a shower upstairs. Laura had quietly suggested that maybe Carmilla should sit guard outside the door just in case but Carmilla had refused.

_She probably thinks I'm avoiding her, which, okay, maybe I am a bit, but she's never going to trust herself if I don't start acting like she's capable of controlling her own impulses._

“Do we really, though?” Carmilla asked, tired. It was one of her least favorite topics for a variety of reasons.

“Yeah, I think we do. She's...after you left it took her awhile to recover from...well, from what happened. And things have never been quite back to where they were.” LaFontaine sounded like someone trying very hard to keep their emotions in check.

“That's not surprising given the circumstances but I don't see how it's my problem. I didn't want either of them here.”

LaFontaine sighed, looking exhausted rather than annoyed.

“I know, I get that, and I already said sorry. But you really need to shut up and listen to me for five minutes, okay?”

Carmilla raised both her eyebrows at that. They had some backbone, telling the cranky vampire to shut up.

“Perry is...I mean the whole thing left her kind of traumatized a bit. She tries to put a good face on things because, well, she's Perry and that's what Perry does, but little things set her off all the time. Noises, smells, random people or places.”

“I'll try not to smell weird.”

“Carmilla, please.”

Carmilla leaned back on the counter against the cabinet doors to sip her blood and gestured for LaFontaine to continue. At least if they were talking she didn't have to think about what had happened earlier in the library with Laura.

“Everything with Laura really upset her obviously, she kept acting like it was temporary. Like Laura would get over it. She tried to make her brownies and give her pep-talks and...” LaFontaine sounded a little choked-up and which Carmilla found oddly disturbing. She didn't think she'd ever seen them cry.

“Well, she was never big on accepting the facts when it came to anything out of the ordinary. Except for that whole bit about unleashing an evil faerie queen who almost destroyed the world that one time.”

“Wait, a who that what now?”

“Uh, never mind.”

LaFontaine looked at her strangely but then shook their head and moved on.

“Sometimes she gets...really upset. Like...almost hysterical. It's like she can see things that the rest of us can't and...things start happening.”

“Things.”

LaFontaine was shifting around in their seat and looked deeply ill at ease.

“Once she started screaming for no reason we could tell and curled up in a corner and when I tried to get near her every single thing made of glass in the room just exploded. Another time the couch burst into flames.”

Carmilla frowned. “That doesn't sound good.”

“There's other things, too. Little things. Like she knows things she shouldn't or suddenly lifts things way too heavy for her. It only seems to happen when she's not paying attention though.”

“What did Mattie think about this?” It was amazing Mattie hadn't outright killed her.

LaFontaine sighed. “I mean the obvious worry was that somehow the Dean was still in her somewhere, but you had seemed really sure she wasn't and Mattie was also pretty convinced that wasn't it.”

“I don't think it's too likely, no.” Carmilla remembered the life fading from the bright blue eyes. There had been no one home in there and then...it was like watching something bob to the surface of a lake and another consciousness had taken hold of the body on the bed. She'd fled the room then and never gone back. By the time Perry had been back on her feet Carmilla had been long gone.

“Mattie thinks it's residual bits of the Deans power that sort of got stuck somehow. Like the gunk on your arm when medical tape gets pulled off.”

_That has to be the most LaFontaine comparison ever._

“Perry can't control it at all, though?”

“No, and every time it happens she gets really freaked out and denies that anything even happened or that it had anything to do with her.”

“Does she at least acknowledge that she was possessed for a year?”

“Even Perry couldn't deny that.” LaFontaine got up and moved around to one of the cabinets pulling out what looked like a bag of some sort of dried fruit. She offered it to Carmilla who made a face. “And every time it comes up she keeps asking where you are.”

Carmilla stiffened. “I can't imagine why she'd want to talk to me.”

_Please don't let her have remembered any of that._

“I don't know either, but she was very insistent and got upset when I wouldn't let her come along on this trip.” They moved back to their seat. “I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised they followed me here.”

“I don't have much interest in talking to her.” That was an understatement.

LaFontaine grimaced. “Yeah, I've gotten that impression. And I won't pretend I completely understand why, but I'll try my best to make sure she isn't a problem for you. That's the best I can offer.”

Carmilla cocked her head to one side. “Why would you do that for me?”

“I'm not blind, Carmilla. I've seen what you've been doing for Laura and I've seen how much it affects you. And I know how complicated that is because of your history and you still haven't run out.” The looked sheepish. “I honestly expected you to bolt within the first day.”

_I almost did._

“So I guess the least I can do is try to make things a little easier on you in an already crappy situation.”

“We had another fight.” She didn't know why she said it and regretted it the instant she did.

LaFontaine looked as surprised as Carmilla felt.

“Oh yeah? About what?”

“Laura wanted to know why I left. I didn't want to talk about it.”

“You're never going to get past that if you don't tell her.”

“Maybe I'm not ready to get past it.”

LaFontaine ran a hand through their hair and poked at the bag of dried fruit they'd been eating.

“Well, I guess that's your business. If you've moved on and found some sort of peace in your life then I can see why you wouldn't want to stir up the past.” Their tone implied they didn't think Carmilla had done that at all.

_I wonder what that would feel like, finding peace with myself. Being at ease for once. Not being pulled in multiple directions._

“Maybe you should talk to her a little tonight,” Carmilla suggested hesitantly.

“And what? Try to mediate?”

“No! No, nothing like that. Don't even mention that. But she's...lonely. Everything that happened with Mattie orphaning her is still going to affect her for a long time. And I don't think I'm the best person to talk to her right this minute. But someone should.”

_There's a difference between not wanting to reopen old wounds and wanting her to get better._

LaFontaine grinned. “You really can't help yourself, can you?”

Carmilla bristled at their tone. “What do you mean?”

“Never mind. I'll go talk to her once she's out of the shower if you think it's safe.”

“She's fed today and she's been stable for days. I don't think you're in any danger unless you plan on going in there and opening a vein.”

“That would be a negative.”

They'd both lapsed into silence when Laura came down the stairs a few minutes later dressed in a blue tank top and a pair of flannel pajama pants (where in the world had she found those?) her hair still wet from the shower.

“Hey, Laura,” LaFontaine said when Carmilla failed to even look up.

“Hey.” Laura was looking at Carmilla.

_If I meet her eyes now I'm going to cave in again. And I can't. If there's anything I've learned it's that I need to protect myself._

“I was going to head back to my room now,” Laura said, looking at the ground now. “I thought one of you should come lock the door after me.”

“Not necessary,” Carmilla said, still not looking at her. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Laura's face lift a little, her eyes hopeful.

“You think that'll really be okay?” Laura asked.

“Well you've been out most of the day and I still seem to have my jugular intact,” LaFontaine pointed out with a grin, glancing at Carmilla.

“But what about tomorrow morning? What if I wake up and...”

“It'll be fine.” Carmilla had been going for a firm tone but it came out almost angry.

“I...okay.” Laura shrank in on herself again.

“Hey, Laur, is it cool if I come and hang out for a bit with you tonight?” LaFontaine cut in much to Carmilla's relief. “We haven't had much of a chance to catch up yet.”

“Yes, of course.” Laura sounded eager. “Are you going to be there, too?” she asked Carmilla.

Carmilla finally glanced up at her, saw the apology in Laura's eyes and looked away again.

“No, I've got some things to take care of before your little buddies show up tomorrow.” There, that had been civil.

“Oh. Okay.”

She waited until LaFontaine and Laura had disappeared down the hall before going back up to her room. She looked at the mess on the floor, the bed with the sheets already half-kicked off.

_I guess I could make an effort to clean before Perry attempts to do it for me._

The effort lasted a grand total of forty-three seconds before Carmilla was disgusted with the whole process and just kicked all the clothes to one side of the floor. It would have to be enough.

She sprawled onto her bed and opened a book but after she'd reread the same page three times without a single word of it sinking in she admitted defeat.

_You know what you're going to do anyway. Just get it over with._

Which is how she found herself slipping quietly downstairs and into a corner of the hall near the white room. Vampiric hearing guaranteed her being able to hear anything said in the next room.

“...I don't know what to do,” Laura was saying.

“I am _so_ not the person to ask for relationship advice, Laur.”

“But she actually _talks_ to you. She won't talk to me at all unless it's about generic vampire things. How can I even begin to apologize for something when I don't know what I did? Unless this really is all about the Danny thing and I'm not apologizing for that.” She sounded defiant, more like Laura the pesky journalism student.

“You know I was there when Carmilla killed Danny,” LaFontaine said, and their voice sounded strained to Carmilla.

“I...yeah, I guess I knew that. I was, too, sort of.”

“You were out cold. Danny knocked you out when she burst in and she…Laura, she was going to kill you. She practically had her fangs in your neck.”

“Danny wouldn't have...”

“Danny was under the Dean's control. Didn't Carmilla explain to you how the whole parent/child vampire thing worked?”

Carmilla heard Laura groan with frustration. “Yes, but even so, Carmilla was stronger, faster, she could have stopped Danny without killing her. With the Dean dead we could have saved Danny, brought her around.”

“And let get go through all the pain you're going through right now? Also who would have taken care of her? Carmilla? Mattie? You?”

“At least she'd still have been alive!”

“Laura, she was seconds from killing you. Carmilla saw you about to die and reacted. I don't think she was considering whether or not Danny could be rehabilitated, I don't think she was thinking anything about Danny one way or the other. I think she just wanted to save you.”

 _“..._ _I just wanted to save you...”_

The words echoed through Carmilla's head and she brushed them aside. That had been then, this was now.

“She just wanted to save me.”

_She's thinking about the same thing._

“Yeah, obviously.”

“Then why did she leave? I needed her and...” Laura's voice cracked and Carmilla felt her eyes burning, but not for Laura.

 _She needed me. She always needs me for something. Do I even deserve to need something in return? Was it too much to ask for her to listen for once?_ _To not judge?_

“She left but when I showed up here on her doorstep with you and all our troubles she didn't even think about turning us away. She may be furious or upset or just confused, but she's still here. I think that says something.”

“I'm so tired of hurting everyone around me.” Laura's voice was soft, full of a self-loathing Carmilla had never imagined to hear from her. “And when I try to make things better they always turn out worse. Look at all the lives that have been ruined through proximity to me: Danny, Perry, Mattie, you. And Carmilla. Look how much she's lost.”

LaFontaine let out an aggravated sigh. “This is not what I had in mind when I said 'let's catch up' Laura, and, for the record, you don't get to say if you ruined someone's life. That's the other person's perception, not yours.”

“She said the good wasn't worth the bad.”

“Then maybe try to even the balance out.”

“But how?” Laura's voice was almost a whine of confusion and desperation.

“ _I don't know!_ ”

There was a silence for awhile.

“Sorry, Laf. I didn't mean to dump all this on you.”

“No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled.”

“Let's talk about something else.” Laura sounded utterly defeated.

“Can you tell me what it's like being a new born vampire now that you're a little less murderous?” LaFontaine's science voice was back. “Like what does that feel like?”

“I...I don't really know, Laf. I'm not sure what I even am yet. I'm not sure I _want_ to know what I am. I don't think I'm suited for this. Can we...can you tell me how everything at Silas was going when we left? I lost track for awhile.”

“Uh, okay, I guess so.” They sounded a little disappointed. “So Mel and the Summers...”

Carmilla slipped away. She'd heard enough.

_I shouldn't have listened in. I knew it was going to upset me more. And Laura…._

Someone else's pain shouldn't hurt this much.

_Maybe there's something I can do to to help her without hurting myself. Something without words. Something safe._

_It's not that I don't want to help her._

_It's not that I don't care._

She glanced out the front window. It was starting to get a little dark, but it was still early enough that the shops in town should be open. She went out the front door and hurried towards the town.

The feeling of unrest she'd felt the last time she'd been here was even stronger than before, crawling across her skin like oil. The looks she received were more than mistrustful, they were blank and full of loathing.

_What in the world is going on around here?_

A loud noise drew her attention up and she saw a huge black crow perched on a shop awning above her. It regarded her for a moment and then flew away.

_Something is really wrong here._

She kept her guard up as she moved through the town, seeking out a store she knew must exist but had never frequented before. And when she found it there was the annoyance of the old woman at the counter glaring at her suspiciously the entire time.

_I know they don't like me, but I'm here to spend money. They could at least pretend to be enthusiastic._

It took Carmilla the better part of twenty minutes of routing through bins before she finally found what she was looking for and then another ten minutes of trying to explain to the woman what she needed. Then she had to wait for yet another twenty minutes for the woman to complete her request at her little sewing machine and haggle over a price.

_Laura had better appreciate this._

Carmilla ignored the hostile gaze of the storekeeper on her way out and left town as quickly as possible. She was hoping that a few days without any new mysterious bite marks might settle things down again.

Luck was on her side when she got back and Laura was not in her room but was upstairs in the bathroom.

“She wanted to brush her teeth,” LaFontaine explained. “I can't blame her, probably been awhile.”

Carmilla left them in the kitchen and slipped into the white room to leave what she'd gotten there before retreating to her own bedroom and locking the door behind her. She pretended not to hear when Laura left the bathroom and went back downstairs, but when there was a timid knock on her door a few minutes later she couldn't pretend anymore.

“Carm?” Laura's voice was hesitant. “Are you still awake?”

“What is it, Laura?” She wasn't going to open the door. Not now.

“I...I wanted to say...” There was silence from the hall. “Uh, never mind. Goodnight.”

Carmilla let out the breath she'd been holding.

“Goodnight, Laura.”

When she went to check on Laura a few hours later she found her sound asleep, her whole body curled around a yellow pillow.

////////

“It feels like forever since I've been outside,” Laura said, holding up a hand to shade her eyes from the sun. She was standing at the top of the porch stairs, peering down the road.

Carmilla was trying her best to look anywhere other than at Laura. In her jeans and black tank top Laura looked so much like her old self that Carmilla almost expected her to rustle up a webcam from somewhere and start in on a vlog.

_Being a baby vampire: a vlog by Laura Hollis._

_Oh god, I hope she never gets that idea._

“Other than JP carrying you to the boat and Carmilla carrying you to the house you haven't actually been outside in a really long time. And you were unconscious for both of those," LaFontaine said without looking away from the road.

“You carried me to the house?” Laura asked Carmilla.

Carmilla had been avoiding any conversation with Laura that morning, but it was hard to dodge a direct question.

“Yeah, someone had to and this one is a weakling.” She gestured at LaFontaine who looked mildly offended but didn't stop starting intently down the road towards town.

“I wish you hadn't had to see me like that,” Laura said softly. “Either of you.”

Carmilla shrugged. “I mean you saw me after I'd been tied to a chair for nine days and was having seizures. So I figure we're even.”

“Even.” Laura said the word more to herself than to Carmilla, as if she were trying out a foreign concept. “I tied you up against your will for over a week and you've been taking care of me for about the same amount of time. I don't think that's even.”

_Why do all our conversations get so serious so quickly now?_

_I miss the simple conversations the most, I think._

Silence fell on the porch between them and Carmilla drummed her nails on her arm, annoyed with the humidity that had been building in the air since last night. It didn't necessarily affect her the way it would a human, but she still didn't like it.

“There they are!” LaFontaine started bouncing up and down excitedly and pointing.

Carmilla glanced down the road and saw that sure enough there were two figures rapidly approaching, one with a mass of curly red hair. Her hands tightened on the porch railing.

_It's only Perry. Maybe by now she doesn't even remember. She's always been good at repressing things._

LaFontaine had taken off down the road to meet them but Carmilla stayed where she was. Laura looked torn and glanced at Carmilla as if asking permission.

“Go say hi if you want. I'm not going to stop you.”

“I haven't fed yet today. Are you sure it'll be okay?”

Carmilla gave in and met Laura's gaze. “No. I'm not sure. That's something only you can be sure of. So either you figure out when you can start trusting yourself around people again or you spend your whole life avoiding people and being afraid of yourself.”

It was Laura who looked away this time.

“I don't know yet. I'm not sure how to tell.”

Carmilla sighed. “Then stay here for now. But someday you're going to have to move forward or you're going to be stuck for eternity.”

“Not today.”

Carmilla nodded but didn't comment.

 _I'm not sure if it's_ _self-awareness_ _that makes her think_ _she's not ready or if it means she's_ _still running scared of herself._

_I never really had this problem, but then there wasn't anyone I cared enough about for it to matter._

Laura's self-control must have been fairly strong though because Perry basically flung herself onto her and wrapped her in a huge hug the minute she reached the house.

“Laura! You look so much better! You are better now, aren't you?”

“I'm still a vampire, Perry,” Laura said, carefully disengaging herself from the hug and moving back a little towards Carmilla.

“Right. Yes, of course,” Perry said, her smile a little more forced now. “How's all...” she waved a hand, “... _that_ going for you?”

“Better. Carmilla's been helping me.” Laura had almost moved completely behind Carmilla at this point which, Carmilla, considered was ironic since she herself was the one who really wanted to hide from Perry.

“Carmilla.” Perry looked her up and down. “I...yes. Carmilla.” She frowned and examined her with a little too much scrutiny for Carmilla to feel comfortable with.

“Hello, Miss Hollis, Miss Karnstein.” JP had joined them on the porch with LaFontaine trailing behind, grinning to themselves. They may not have wanted their friends to follow them here but they certainly seemed happy to see them.

“Hi, JP,” Laura said from behind Carmilla.

“Hey,” Carmilla managed, still eying Perry warily.

“The storm we were held up by seems to be following us, I'm afraid,” JP continued, oblivious to any of the tension on the porch. “I think it might sweep over this island in the next day or two. Dreadfully unfortunate.”

“Fantastic,” Carmilla said. “That is exactly what I needed to deal with right now.” Why wouldn't Perry stop staring at her?

“Let's all move inside, maybe?” LaFontaine suggested, looking back and forth between Carmilla and Perry with a worried expression.

“I've got to go get, uh, a snack for Laura,” Carmilla pointed out. “You should all head in and I'll be back in a bit.”

“I could make a snack!” Perry offered.

Carmilla raised her eyebrows and looked at LaFontaine.

“Not that sort of snack, Perr. She's a vampire now, remember?” Their tone sounded so light but Carmilla could almost see the cracks running through them. They mirrored her own too closely.

“Oh, right. Yes. Of course.” Perry looked flustered but let herself be herded into the house.

“Can I come?” Laura asked as Carmilla started down the steps.

“No.”

Her back was to Laura but she could almost sense the other girl slumping in on herself.

“Go have some fun with your friends. I'll be back soon.”

“Okay.” Laura didn't sound convinced but she went back in the house with the others. Carmilla fled gratefully.

Carmilla thought she could come to enjoy the run to the second town in cat form.

_I should have been doing this before. Great for clearing the mind._

There were no real incidents in feeding; whatever miasma of gloom hung over the first village wasn't apparent here. The problems started when she once again chose to walk back through the first village.

She was almost on the outskirts of town when she heard a faint noise which gave her just enough warning to dodge to the side. A rock flew past her and bounced harmlessly across the ground in front of her. She spun around but whomever had thrown it had vanished into one of the alleyways or a store. She probably could have found them, but she had a feeling that doing so would probably heighten the tension even more. The streets were already lined with people standing still and staring at her with oddly blank expressions.

 _Okay, this is more than_ _only_ _anger over a couple of bite marks. What the hell is going on here?_

_I wish Mattie were here. This stuff is way more her thing than mine._

She remembered Mattie's letter.

Crows. There'd been a crow in town the other night and, now that she thought about it, they were definitely _not_ native to the island.

_Mother always used crows. But Mother is dead. One of her other children maybe? One I never met? Is that possible?_

She needed to talk to Mattie. Maybe LaFontaine's satellite phone could come in use.

She left the town with the blank stares of the townfolk burning holes in her back.

The house seemed _different_ when she got back. There was the chatter of voices coming from inside, the sounds of movement and life. She wondered if there had ever been this much life in the house before. Even if three of the people providing 'life' were technically not even alive.

She could hear Perry upstairs so she chose instead to head towards the faint noises she heard in the kitchen figuring whomever it was would be the lesser of two evils.

She was only half-way down the hall when there was a loud crash from the kitchen followed by the sound of glass tinkling across a hard surface. Carmilla rounded the doorframe to see Laura standing at the counter, surrounded by broken glasses, her hand bleeding all over.

“What did the poor glasses ever do to you?” Carmilla asked, entering carefully and picking her way around the glass shards on the floor.

Laura's entire face was red.

“I...I was going to get a glass of water for Perry...I didn't mean to...I guess I just reached too fast and…sometimes it feels like my body moves faster than my brain now.” She stared at her bleeding palm. “I'm sorry I broke all your glasses.”

“Getting used to your new speed and strength takes a little while,” Carmilla said, trying to sound blasé. “Things like this can happen.”

_If I treat it like it's no big deal maybe she will, too._

“I'm always making a mess,” Laura said, echoing her words from the previous night.

“This one should be simple enough to fix.” Carmilla had come around as close as she could without the risk of stepping into the minefield of broken glass. The last thing she wanted to do was spend the rest of the day having LaFontaine pulling pieces of glass out of her feet with a pair of tweezers.

“Here.” She held a hand out to Laura to help her hop over the glass to the safe part of the floor. Laura looked at the offered hand with wide eyes before hesitantly reaching out to take it with her unhurt hand. She jumped over the broken glass, her momentum carrying her a little too far and sending her crashing into Carmilla who steadied them both.

There was an awkward moment where Laura was basically in Carmilla's arms before Carmilla stepped back, rubbing her hands on her jeans.

“You're bleeding all over the place,” she said grabbing a hand towel from the counter. “Here. It'll heal on its own pretty quickly once you've fed but put some pressure on it to stop the bleeding for now.”

Laura held her hand up, watching the blood run across her palm and down her wrist. “Does it bother you? Being this close to blood?”

Carmilla smirked. “I'm several centuries old, Laura, I can be in a room with blood without losing my shit.”

“Really no effect at all?” Laura pushed her hand closer to Carmilla's face, a slightly mischievous smile on her lips.

_Jesus fucking christ._

“Just take the damn towel and let's go back to your room so you can feed,” Carmilla grumbled, shoving the hand towel at Laura more urgently. As soon as she took it Carmilla backed away.

_It's not like it's that tempting, but when she's rubbing it in my face like that…._

“Shouldn't we clean up in here first?” Laura asked Carmilla as she followed her out into the hall.

“And deprive Perry of the most fun she'll have all day?”

Laura giggled and Carmilla felt that uneasiness return to her. The whole conversation had been a little too familiar, a little too easy. Though Laura waving blood in her face was a new thing.

“Which wrist today?” Laura asked as they sat on the edge of her bed. Carmilla pretended not to notice the pillow with the yellow pillowcase on it placed squarely in the center of the other pillows.

Carmilla looked at the insides of both her wrists: the left one was still healing from yesterday and the right one, while none of the wounds were fresh, was looking a little like a pincushion.

“Might have to go back to the neck for today,” Carmilla said, resigned. “I think my wrists need a vacation.”

“Oh. Okay.”

This part was always awkward. Laura started out the way she had two days ago, kneeling behind Carmilla, but then she moved over so she was facing Carmilla's left side, next to her instead. Carmilla was looking away, staring at a blood stain on the wood floor when Laura brushed her hair back over her shoulder, her touch feather-light. And when Laura bit her it was far more gently than usual, achingly tentative.

Laura's mouth latched on to Carmilla's neck, tongue sliding lightly across her skin. She drank quietly for a minute or two and then paused from her feeding, detaching her mouth and breathing lightly on Carmilla's neck.

“Your heart-rate just shot through the roof,” Laura said, voice quiet and quite close to Carmilla's ear.

“Laura, just feed.”

Carmilla stiffened because this felt different somehow. Laura wasn't playing by the rules.

_What is she doing?_

Laura leaned back in to feed again, one of her hands holding Carmilla's hair back and the other hand coming up to lightly touch the right side of Carmilla's face, tracing her cheekbone, the side of her nose, the edge of her lips.

Carmilla shut her eyes, willing herself not to turn into the touch. It was Laura's injured hand, too, and the smell of fresh blood this close wasn't helping anything. Her hand shot up and grabbed Laura's wrist, yanking it away sharply.

Laura pulled back, gazing at her with half-hooded eyes, mouth slightly open and blood on those sharp white fangs.

“No.” Carmilla tried to sound firm but it came out as a hoarse whisper.

“No?” Laura asked back, sounding almost drunk.

_The blood's hitting her hard this time._

“Get yourself under control. Feed. That's it.”

Laura's eyes were regaining focus.

“Yeah, sorry. You're just...you're intoxicating.” Laura's head was back by Carmilla's neck and she ran her tongue slowly across the still-bleeding punctures making Carmilla shudder. “I want all of you.”

“Yeah, well, you're totally blood-drunk right now which is a pretty good sign you're ready to move off feeding and onto blood bags. We can try that tomorrow.”

She hoped that her very brisk, disaffected tone would help anchor Laura back in reality.

“Oh.” Laura was sitting back again, and Carmilla could see the war raging behind her eyes. “I guess that's a good thing.” Her voice was still a little thick but she sounded more like herself now.

“You're reacting to blood more the way I'd expect a baby vampire to. That's a good enough indication for me.” Carmilla had put her hand over the puncture marks now to try and keep the blood from ruining yet another shirt. “That'll be a relief for all of us.”

“Yeah,” Laura echoed. “A relief.”

They finished the feeding in silence and Laura kept both her hands to herself this time. Carmilla spent the rest of the day shut in her room, listening to the faint sounds of voices echoing through what had once been her quiet sanctuary. From time to time she unconsciously raised one hand and ran it over her right cheek, feeling for the ghosts of other fingers.

Outside the wind had started to pick up. The storm was on its way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when the next chapter is coming. I feel pretty awful at the moment, so we'll see. I have outlined the full story though and it's looking like it'll be roughly 12 chapters.


	7. Louder Than The Thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't think I'd get this chapter out tonight, but I really wanted to. I'm getting surgery tomorrow morning and I wanted to post before then. Only did a brief editing pass so apologies if there's more typos and stuff than usual.
> 
> TW: little bit of blood

 

“This still tastes weird,” Laura said, frowning at the mug of blood Carmilla had handed her.

“Weird is better than killing people.”

_For you anyway._

Laura was sitting on the edge of her bed, holding the mug in both hands like it was a warm cup of coffee instead of a cold mug of blood. Carmilla had taken up her usual position on her chair with her own mug, somewhat grateful that she wouldn't have to go out hunting today after all the agitation in the village recently.

Laura wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, I just wish I had more diet options.”

“It's not that you can't have other things, but you'll always need blood.” Seriously, hadn't Mattie told her _anything_?

_And I'm the useless one._

She'd brought the mug to Laura's room this morning instead of waiting for her to venture out in the hopes of avoiding contact with Perry as much as possible. She had taken over the entire kitchen (the broken glass from yesterday gone when Carmilla had woken up) and seemed to be stress baking. Something about wanting to make a lot of food in case they lost power during the storm.

And the storm was definitely coming in fast. They sky was darker today and the winds had picked up. LaFontaine had overheard some of the villagers saying it was supposed to hit full-force in the early evening. They'd also asked Carmilla why the villagers acted like they had the plague. Which was really a great question.

“So this it what I drink for forever now?” Laura was still looking despondent.

“Pretty much.”

“And how do I go about getting it? Like are there suppliers?”

“There are. I can put you in touch with them when that becomes an issue.”

_When you leave._

“Okay.”

Laura seemed a lot calmer in general today. A bit melancholy, but otherwise relatively relaxed. She did keep glancing out the windows, though.

“Did you want to go outside before the storm hit?”

Laura nodded, vigorously. “Can we do that?”

“I think JP was planning to head down to the beach.” She'd vaguely overheard bits and pieces of conversation from the others in the brief time she'd been in the kitchen. “You could go with him.”

_He's strong enough to tackle her if she takes off, though I'm not sure he would._

_But that chances of that happening are pretty low anyway._

“You don't want to come along?” Laura was studying her mug carefully.

“I need to get the house ready for this storm that's supposed to hit. Go enjoy the outdoors while you can.”

_The problem is that I do want to come along._

“Oh, okay then.”

She could tell Laura was disappointed even if she tried to hide it.

“Finish that up and I'll go make sure JP knows you're coming along.” Carmilla got up and headed towards the door.

“Carmilla?”

She turned back, even though she knew she'd see that slight look of panic that Laura always had whenever she left her.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe I can help? You know, getting the house ready?”

Carmilla snorted. “Never volunteer to do work you don't have to.”

“I just want to help. Somehow.”

“Why?” She wasn't even sure why she'd asked a question that clearly was only going to invite more conversations she didn't want to deal with.

Laura had put her mug down on the floor, still half-full and was hugging her knees to her chest.

“Because I'd like to do something useful. I've been nothing but a hindrance since I got turned and now that I'm kind of better I feel like I owe you something. You and Laf and JP and Perry. You all took care of me.”

“You don't owe me anything, Laura.”

_We don't need anything else to tie us together._

“I think that's for me to decide.”

“Well, if you really feel you owe me something then I request that you repay me by going to the beach with JP.”

Laura narrowed her eyes. “That's cheating.”

“What can I say? I'm a vampire.”

“So am I. Doesn't that mean I get to cheat as well?” Laura was smiling now, head titled to one side.

“Laura...”

“No, I get it. You don't want my help today. I'll...go to the beach with JP and stay out of the way. Just...let me know if you ever do, okay?”

_I don't think we're even talking about the house anymore._

She settled for a non-committal shrug and left quickly.

In the kitchen Perry was still bustling about, doing something with the oven and the stove-top at the same time. LaFontaine had their papers spread out on the counter and was alternating between scribbling notes on them and watching Perry with a slightly concerned frown. JP was shadowing Perry's every movement, apparently trying to help, and mostly getting scolded for getting in the way.

“Hey, JP, leave Sara Lee alone for five minutes. I thought you were heading down to build sandcastles or something.”

Everyone looked up at the sound of her voice.

“Yes, Miss Karnstein, that was the plan but I thought my services might be required elsewhere.”

Perry side-eyed him. “I've got everything under control here. Please go.”

“Perr...” LaFontaine's voice held a warning tone and Carmilla didn't envy them having to babysit these two for the last year.

“I need you to take Laura down to the beach with you. Just walk around or something, let her burn off some energy.”

LaFontaine looked back and forth between JP and Carmilla.

“Is that a good idea?”

Carmilla sighed. “JP can tackle her if she makes a run for it.”

“I can?” JP sounded unsure. “I mean, I suppose I could.”

LaFontaine turned their doubtful look to Carmilla.

“She'll be fine. Have a little faith.”

“Odd to hear that coming from you, the ultimate pessimist.”

Carmilla leaned against the wall, pretending to watch Perry so she didn't have to answer.

_Laura doesn't even believe in herself anymore. Someone has to._

“Carmilla.” Perry had turned her back on her cooking and was staring straight at her again, a strangely intent expression on her face. She kept doing this and Carmilla never failed to find it deeply unnerving. Behind her on the stove a pot that had been fine just moments again started violently boiling over. JP was desperately waving his hands over it as if he could magic it into being fixed. LaFontaine half-rose from their seat.

“You need something?” Carmilla asked, trying to ignore the stove.

Perry looked back over her shoulder at JP and then over at LaFontaine who was frozen at the counter.

“I...no. Never mind.”

Carmilla nodded. She still had trouble meeting Perry's eyes. She'd never be able to see them without looking for someone else in them.

“I thought you had something to do, JP,” Perry snapped, turning back to the stove to glare at him. The pot had stopped boiling now and LaFontaine sank back into their chair.

“Sorry, Miss Perry. I'll leave right away.”

JP paused by where Carmilla was leaning against the wall near the door.

“Are you sure I'm the best person for this?” he asked, in a whisper she was pretty sure the other two had no problem hearing.

“Get to it, zombie Will.”

That got her annoyed looks from both LaFontaine and Perry and sent JP scuttling away.

“So listen,” she said as soon as he was gone, “this storm is about to come blowing in and we need to fix a few things up around the house before it does.”

Perry immediately perked up.

“There's some sort of drainage system and pumps in the basement so that should be fine, but we need to secure all the shutters, make sure all the doors and windows are shut tightly, move anything you're attached to up to the second floor just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” LaFontaine was looking genuinely worried now, though Perry had produced a pencil and paper from somewhere and was making notes.

“I live next to the ocean, in case you hadn't noticed. The house is a good ways up the beach and the water level has never gotten higher than the bottom of the back steps as far as I know, but there's no harm in being careful.”

“Oh. I guess storms are serious here. That makes sense.”

“As soon as I finish here I'll take over the windows on the second floor.” Perry said. “LaFontaine can check the doors and Carmilla can move anything valuable since she'd probably know better than us what that might be.”

Carmilla wanted to protest but honestly couldn't find a flaw with the plan so settled for shrugging.

“Works for me.” It put her on a different floor from Perry anyway. She wasn't sure the pot boiling had been anything other than a normal kitchen mishap, but LaFontaine's reaction said they suspected it was.

She started in the basement, deciding to play it safe despite the flooding trenches and pumps installed. There wasn't much down there anymore: some broken furniture, a few boxes of molding papers that looked vastly uninteresting, some rotten wooden planks. And of course the cells.

She hadn't been down here much since she'd come back but she still remembered every detail of the inside of the first cell on the right. She pushed the heavy door open, the hinges groaning loudly, and looked into the small dark stone room. The manacles were still hanging on the wall where they'd been during her three day stay down here, but they were rusted now.

She couldn't really blame Mother for locking her up down here (especially after seeing the complete mess Laura had made of the white room the first night) and it had only been until she regained a little control. Enough that Mother had been sure she wouldn't pose a serious risk to herself. Still, her memories of that time were...unpleasant.

_I couldn't have done that to Laura._

After she'd spent her share of time trapped in the white room she'd come back down here and sat in the cell for the better part of a day, staring at the walls, drilling the whole experience into her memory. Forcing herself to remember the monster that lurked just under the surface of her skin.

She shut the door again and left.

Back up on the first floor she began poking around through the mostly-empty rooms, some of which she hadn't been inside of for weeks, trying to sort out if there was anything worth preserving.

The contents of the refrigerated crate of blood bags had mostly been transferred to the actual fridge so that wasn't an issue. There wasn't much else here; all the art that used to line the walls had long ago been shipped somewhere else, and what little furniture there was didn't look nice enough to attempt to save.

_I'm not even sure why I care. Mother would have care_ _d and I would have wanted it all the crumble to dust because of that. But that was when she was still here._

She paused in the nook at the back of the kitchen to look out at the beach. Laura and JP were both down by the water-line. The waves were already picking up, much higher than usual.

JP was running in and out of the surf, his pants rolled up to his knees. It was hard to tell if he was having fun or running from the water in terror.

_Probably a little of both._

And Laura….

Laura was standing so the waves only just brushed over her feet and staring out to sea. Her arms were crossed, hugging herself and though Carmilla couldn't see her face she got the distinct feeling that she was seeing someone who was deeply lost.

She didn't even mean to, but her feet carried her out the back door and down the back steps towards the beach. Since she hadn't been outdoors today she hadn't put shoes on (which she'd regretted after being in the basement) and the cool sand felt nice under her feet. It was going to get chilly here during the storm.

Laura didn't turn around at all or even acknowledge Carmilla when she came to stand next to her. JP glanced over at them and moved a little further down the beach to continue his weird game of cat and mouse with the waves.

_Not a total idiot._

“Hey,” Carmilla said when Laura failed to break the silence.

“Hey.” Laura didn't look away from the horizon.

She stood next to her, unsure of what to say next.

 _I'm not even clear on why I cam_ _e_ _out here. I've never been through what happened to her, but I know what it feels like to be alone._

_And I know sometimes having people around you only makes you feel more alone._

“Do you want me to go?” she asked. It felt like she'd intruded on some deeply private moment.

“No, it's alright.”

Carmilla nodded and bent down to roll up her pants legs a little. The water was only just lapping at their feet here but they were starting to get a little damp.

“I've got a boat here,” she said, straightening up. “I used to take it out at night and look at the stars, but I haven't done that in awhile. I miss it sometimes.”

Laura didn't respond and Carmilla wracked her brain to find something else to talk about.

“Why haven't you gone if you miss it?” Laura's voice was so soft she almost couldn't hear it over the crash of the waves.

It wasn't something she really wanted to delve into, but she'd been the one to start the conversation.

“I used to find it reassuring, but lately it's only made me feel empty.”

“Oh.” Laura hugged herself a little tighter.

_Great choice of topic. I really didn't think that through._

“Do you miss her?” Also probably not the best topic, but maybe talking about it would help.

“Who?”

“Mattie. You know, because she was your vampire parent and all.”

Laura dropped her head down a little forward, shaking it. Her hair formed a curtain around her face and Carmilla itched to run her fingers through it, smooth it back. She turned to look back at the ocean which was an ominous shade of bluish grey now as the storm approached. She could see the clouds in the distance, slowly rolling closer.

“I miss the idea of her.”

“How so?”

“Even though I didn't like her, and I didn't like what she did to me, she was...stability. A reassurance that someone knew what was going on, that there was a way to figure out what to do next. That I wouldn't...drag everyone down with me again.” She laughed, bitterly. “Guess that worked out about as well as all my other plans.”

“You're still here. And you're a lot better than you were a week ago.”

“And I dragged all my problems right to your door. I...I don't remember that much of the first day or two, but you're out here on an island at the end of the world shut off from everything and everyone. Having all of us here, having _me_ here is obviously the last thing you wanted.”

Carmilla watched the water come up the beach, surge around her half-buried feet before retreating.

“I'd rather have you here if it means you're safe.” She shoved her hands into her pockets, hunching in on herself. “No matter what happened I've never wanted to see you in pain. And for my part I'm sorry Mattie did that to you. She only raised you because of me.”

Laura half-turned to look at her. “You asked her to?”

“Of course not! She assumed I'd rather have you as a vampire than gone forever.”

“And was she right?”

Carmilla moved one foot back and forth in the cold, wet sand. She was slowly sinking in, being buried.

“You wouldn't have wanted it. I would never have disrespected that.”

“That wasn't my question, though.”

 _“..._ _Like someone cut a hole in me...”_ The words echoed from her memories.

“The idea of a world without you….” Carmilla paused as the water came up around her ankles again. “Even if I was on the other side of the world, even if I never saw you again, that wouldn't be a world I'd be a fan of, I think.”

“Then why won't you tell me what's wrong?” Laura's voice cracked and Carmilla knew without looking that she was crying again.

_Because the last time I told you what was wrong you threw it back in my face. And it hurt more than anything else has ever hurt._

_And here I came out to try and comfort her._

“Can you accept that I can't?” She knew Laura's journalistic instincts hated to let anything lie, but if there was ever going to be a chance to fix this she had to know that Laura could listen when she asked for something.

“I don't know.” She sounded hurt, and definitely disappointed, but she hadn't said 'no'.

_That's something anyway._

“Is there anything I can do?” Laura's tone implied she already thought she knew the answer.

“Listen”

Laura titled her head to one side. “To what?”

“To me. When I talk to you, listen.”

“I do...”

Carmilla cut her off with a head shake.

“Maybe a bit more since you've gotten here, but Laura, this is what comes between us every time. And that's partly on me. I'm bad at talking about things, but if when I try you don't hear me out then...” She shrugged.

“I didn't realize….” Laura sighed. “I guess that's the problem, right?”

“Sometimes it's easier to be alone at the end of the world then to be alone surrounded by people.” She echoed her earlier thoughts.

Laura opened her mouth to respond but then frowned. Carmilla realized why almost immediately when a raindrop hit her in the nose.

“We'd better head inside. This storm is going to hit fast and hard.”

“Yeah, I guess we should.”

Laura pulled her feet out of the sand, shaking them off.

“I hope there's a towel right inside or something or we're all going to make a mess.”

Carmilla was unsticking her own feet.

“Bet you anything that Perry already thought of that.”

Laura laughed a little, some of the tension fading. “You're probably right.” She waved at JP to signal that they should head in but he was already heading back towards them.

“It's going to be quite a storm, isn't it?” he asked when he drew even with them.

“It's sure seems like it.” Laura said, glancing up at the dark grey clouds that filled the sky. “End of the world style. Sort of expecting the four horsemen of the apocalypse to come charging over the water. I always figured they looked something like the Nazgûl. Do they even exist? I mean everything else seems to.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “What? Ringwraiths?”

“No, like the four horsemen of the apocalypse, or other things like that. I mean in a world with vampires and werewolves and harpies and, well, Silas, you gotta wonder.”

“Uh, never heard about it if they do. I try to avoid other 'supernatural' beings. It's awkward.”

“How would it be awkward?” JP asked.

“Think of it like seeing someone you know but don't like at a party and feeling socially obligated to say hi even though you mostly want to punch them in the face or leave.”

Laura laughed again and Carmilla smiled before she could catch herself.

“I don't think I've ever had the desire to punch anyone in the face,” JP said, sounding worried. “I do hope I don't develop that as some kind of latent vampire reflex.”

“You're probably fine, weirdo.” Carmilla patted him on the back. LaFontaine would probably be horrified if they knew but she'd come to regard him like some sort of vampire golden retriever. “You're like part human, part AI, part failed vampire. I think that gives you leeway to make your own path.”

They'd reached the stairs and JP bounded up, eager to be out of the rain.

Carmilla went to follow him but Laura caught her arm and stopped her.

“What about me?”

“Pardon?” Her eyes flicked to Laura's hand on her arm but she didn't try to shake it off.

“Am I free to make my own path or am I stuck in some sort of vampiric rut which will eventually end in apathy and blood on my hands?”

_She doesn't want to turn into me._

_And I don't blame her._

“I think we'll see what we can do about keeping you off that path, okay?”

“ _We_ will?”

Carmilla noticed the emphasis on the first word and swallowed. This felt a lot like a commitment. Was she really okay with that?

The skies opened up then saving her from having to answer as they ran inside.

Perry had left a huge pile of fresh towels inside the door. Laura smiled at it, question put aside for now if not forgotten.

//////////////

The first time the thunder growled Perry started screaming. Carmilla sighed and rolled her eyes to herself from her room down the hall.

_I hope she doesn't keep that up the whole time._

_I wonder if the ginger nerd would let me knock her out. Might be better for all of us._

Still, she was technically the host here so she went and knocked on the door of the room her three house-guests were staying in. Perry was curled up on the bed with LaFontaine fussing over them. JP was sitting on the mattress on the floor, looking helpless.

“You good in here?”

LaFontaine looked up, their face white. “I don't know. But we'll manage. It's probably better if you're not here right now.”

“Fine by me. If you can get her to stop screaming that would be great. Probably upsetting Laura, too.”

Which led to the question of where Laura was. Carmilla had lost track of her after they'd gotten back inside and changed into dry clothes.

“Let me know if you need me to knock her senseless or something,” she said.

LaFontaine had murder in their eyes and Carmilla quickly left, shutting the door behind her. Each roll of thunder was followed by a brief shriek from Perry that echoed after Carmilla as she searched through the empty rooms on the floor. Where had Laura run off to?

_She only has one place in the house. The room without any sort of window panes. Would she really go back there during a storm?_

She hurried downstairs and to the white room. The door was pulled shut but not locked and Carmilla cautiously inched it open. At first she thought no one was there but then in a flash of lightning she saw Laura huddled in a ball against the wall with the door, her hands clasped over her ears.

“Hey, are you alright?” The wind was whipping in through the open windows, rain spilling across the floor.

When Laura didn't answer she hurried over and crouched down in front of her. Another crash of thunder shook the whole house and Laura clamped her hands over her ears tighter, whimpering.

_I forgot how overly-sensitive baby vampires are to really loud noises. This must be almost unbearable for her. Why didn't I realize this was going to be an issue?_

_She's shaking like a leaf._

“Laura. Hey, Laura.” She reached up and carefully pried one hand off her ear. “We need to get you to another room. This one isn't really suited to sitting out a storm.”

Laura was nodding, her teeth chattering with how hard she was shaking.

“I can't promise it will be that much quieter, but maybe it will help a little.” Carmilla stood back up, A flash of lightning lit up the room, and, realizing what was coming next, Carmilla dropped back down and immediately pressed her own hands over Laura's to help block out the thunder.

Laura whimpered when the noise came, pressing back into the wall like she could force her way through it. Carmilla leaned forward, resting her forehead on Laura's and taking her hands away as the noise faded.

“You're going to be alright. But you need to get up now and we need to move. I can carry you if I have to.”

She'd heard Perry screaming upstairs again but at the moment everything outside the girl in front of her was impossibly irrelevant.

“I can walk,” Laura said, using the wall to pull herself up. When another short crash of thunder hit she almost fell. Carmilla caught her around the waist. The minute the noise died away Laura struggled against her.

“I know you're tired of being taken care of, but right now let me help. Please.”

Laura sighed and relaxed into her letting Carmilla scoop her up to carry her the way she had on the day Laura had showered. She managed it with a bit more grace this time.

“Okay, we're heading upstairs. The basement might be quieter, but it also could flood.” Carmilla was already hurrying out the door as she spoke. She took Laura up the stairs and, after a moment of indecision, into her own room.

She set Laura down on the bed.

“It's still going to be really loud in here, but at least it will be drier. I don't think I own earplugs or anything and I'm not sure how much they'd even help.”

“Come sit with me?” Laura asked. There was that look in her eyes again, similar to the one she got whenever Carmilla left the room.

_She's terrified I'll reject her. That I'll run again._

And even though some part of her knew this was only tying her more tightly to everything she'd been holding back from, she couldn't help herself.

“Of course.” She sat on the bed, sliding up to lean against the headboard.

Laura came up and huddled next to her and they sat there listening to the sound of the rain battering the windows, the wind rattling the whole house.

When the thunder came again Laura's hands went back over her ears and she started shaking again.

_I sort of remember this. How painful and disorienting super loud noises were at first. And I remember her saying the ship's engines were awful but at least she wasn't fully coherent then._

_This must be like torture for her._

She tentatively put her arm around Laura's shoulders, rubbing her arm lightly.

_Every touch is a step closer to breaking myself again._

_But I can't sit here and watch her suffer._

When the thunder passed Laura shifted further into Carmilla, bending her head down to press against her chest a little below her collar bone.

“Laura?” Carmilla could hear the slight panic in her own voice now.

“Shhh.” Laura had pressed her hand over the ear not against Carmilla's chest.

“What in the world are you doing?”

“What you told me to. I'm listening to you.” Her shaking had eased a little.

“I didn't mean it quite so literally, cupcake.”

The endearment slipped out before she could stop it and her treacherous heart speed up at the realization.

She felt Laura smile against her skin.

“I know that. But I missed your heartbeat. And maybe it's louder than the thunder.”

Carmilla tried to think of a way to object but her mind was drowning in the sensation of Laura's hair, her skin, her breath.

“I missed yours, too.” Sitting there in the dark together, curled up to ward off the storm, it felt right to confess it.

“And I can hear it so much clearer now. The thunder, I don't much care for that, but this? I don't mind this. It's like all the white noise in the world is gone and there's just you.” Laura's voice was full of wonder.

_There was always just you. For me that's all there was._

Carmilla reached up a hand to stroke Laura's hair the way she'd been dying to since she'd first seen her again. She felt Laura sigh against her.

The thunder rolled again, the window panes rattling with the intensity of it and she felt Laura tremble against her. But she stilled quickly, wrapping herself tighter against Carmilla's side. Carmilla let her chin rest on Laura's head and wrapped her other arm around her, holding her tightly.

There'd be time enough to regret all this later on.

“It's okay, Laura. I've got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed that. I'm off to crash out and try to get a good night's sleep (haha, that doesn't happen in the hospital). I'll probably re-edit this for typos/grammar when I've recovered. Until then, happy reading.
> 
> (Also, Season 3, fuck yeah.)
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/)


	8. When The Night Is Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished! And is that some Laura POV I see? I hope the POV switch reads smoothly; I'm not planning on doing them regularly in this fic, it's very much a Carmilla POV fic, but there might be one or two small ones before the end.
> 
> TW: blood, but only like in a mug
> 
> The song lyrics I have at the start I couldn't find anywhere online so I wrote them down from listening to the song. Hope I got them right. Apparently I'm the only person who listens to this artist or something which is a shame.

_Will you teach me how to say goodbye?_  
_These things are never easy._  
_I'm lost for words, I don't know how_  
_To breathe when you are not with me._  
_How the love, all the love that we shared_  
_Was not always strong_  
_But with you it was there._  
_Since this is not easy_  
_Will you teach me to say goodye?_

  
_Will you teach me how to let you go_  
_When the night is over?_  
_A light falls through the northern sky;_  
_Those stars will last forever._  
_Remember we danced in the sun?_  
_Remember the laughter when we were young?_  
_When the night is over_  
_Will you help me to let you go?_

_-Teach Me How To Say Goodbye, Maggie Bjorklund_

 

It felt completely right and completely wrong to wake up with Laura in her arms. Sometime during the night the thunder had stopped and Laura, exhausted, had passed out. Carmilla's back had been getting a little stiff (even though she'd never admit to it) so she'd slid down to actually lie on the pillows of the bed, Laura's head still on her chest, arms wrapped tightly around her. Laura's hair smelled like her shampoo (since it was the only shampoo in the house) which made the whole thing even odder.

_Like she's covered in my scent somehow._

The thought was disturbing enough that Carmilla had to carefully unwind Laura from around her and slip out of the bed. She did pause long enough to tuck the girl back in under the covers and push her hair out of her face.

_I don't know what last night meant to her. I'm not even sure what it meant to me._

_This is exactly what I was afraid of. That we'd slip back into something without ever stopping to sort out why everything fell apart in the first place._

She'd have to talk to Laura about it. There was no getting around that.

She tore her gaze away from Laura's sleeping form and headed to the door, opening and shutting it softly and creeping down the stairs. She found LaFontaine in the kitchen, head down on the counter.

She slipped onto the stool opposite them and put her own head down, mirroring their position. LaFontaine grunted to acknowledge her presence but didn't make any other comment.

“Do storms like that hit often here?” LaFontaine asked after about five minutes of exhausted quiet.

It was still raining outside a little, but the worst had passed.

“We get a couple seasonal storms every year, but this one was a little early. And a lot louder.” Carmilla had been wondering about that. A freak storm wasn't _that_ odd, but with everything else that had been happening lately she couldn't help but wonder if it has been something more than that.

“How's Laura?”

Carmilla shrugged without lifting her head. “The thunder was too loud for her vampire senses but she passed out eventually. She'll be okay.”

“Hmm. Will you?”

Carmilla half-lifted her head to look at them, but they hadn't moved.

“I'll figure it out.” And then, because she felt it was expected. “How's Perry?”

“Fortunately she didn't shatter any windows or anything, but there was a small dresser in there that's basically kindling. JP caught the worst of it, but he'll be okay.”

“Why does thunder bother her so much?” She didn't really care, but there was this feeling that she needed to gather all the little puzzle pieces that had been stacking up. And somehow Perry was part of that. She dropped her head back onto the counter.

“It always bothers her but that was extreme. Maybe something about that specific storm?”

“There is some bad shit going down on this island.” Carmilla had been trying to think of a slightly more snarky way of saying that, but had decided it wasn't worth the effort.

“Yeah, no shit.”

Carmilla pushed herself up from the counter and went to get herself some blood from the fridge.

“Do you think I can borrow that phone of yours later when the storm clears up to try and call Mattie? This is more her thing than mine.”

LaFontaine groaned. “Yeah, do you think she's going to show up here? No offense, but your sister is a pain in my ass.”

“None taken.” The fridge was full of a lot of human food now. “Do you want anything?” she asked.

LaFontaine shook their head without lifting it. “Only about a year's worth of sleep.”

Carmilla shut the door with her hip and poured herself a mug of blood. She'd thought about getting some for Laura but decided that letting her sleep was more important for now.

“Hmm, well, you're welcome to sleep someplace else in the house if you can find somewhere even remotely comfortable.”

LaFontaine waved her off with a hand. “I'm good here for now, thanks.”

“Okay, I'm heading back upstairs then.”

LaFontaine didn't respond and Carmilla thought she might have heard a slight snore.

_Their neck is going to regret that when they wake up._

She tried not to let herself hurry back up the stairs, but she couldn't deny that she was worried. There wasn't a good reason for it (Laura had been sleeping alone since she got here), but she didn't want her to wake up alone this morning. Something told her it would be a step backwards in all the progress she'd been making.

She needn't have worried because Laura was still breathing peacefully when she got back. Carmilla settled herself on the foot of the bed with her blood and a book and resigned herself to waiting for however long it took. It wasn't like this was that much different from her life for the last year.

_But it's changed a lot now, hasn't it?_

_And there's some parts I can never undo. Laura's a vampire. She'll live forever._

She'd managed to avoid thinking about the implications of that point until yesterday when Laura had brought it up on the beach.

_She'll always be around now. And even if we were to go our separate ways and avoid each other, we'd know the other one was out th_ _er_ _e somewhere._

_We could also spend the rest of the span of time tearing each other apart again and again, each time worse than before._

_Or maybe there's a chance for something else. Something new._

Laura had made it pretty clear what she wanted; now Carmilla had to figure out what came next. She sipped her blood and considered Laura over the top of her book. It eased some part of her to see her sleeping so peacefully, one hand curled next to her face on the pillow. Her breathing was a little shallower than a human's would have been, but other than that there was no way to tell what she was now.

_She still doesn't even fully realize what she is yet. And once she does, will she still want to be anywhere near me?_

Could Laura ever reconcile herself with vampiric nature?

As if she could feel the intense scrutiny, Laura shifted in her sleep and slowly woke up, her eyes fluttering open. She reached out, almost instinctively, and felt around next to her. Carmilla nudged her with one foot.

“Down here, sleepy head.”

Laura pulled herself up into a sitting position, yawning, and took her in.

“Were you waiting for me to wake up?”

Carmilla shrugged. “Nothing better to do until the rain stops.”

Laura smiled. “Thanks.”

Carmilla looked away towards the covered windows. “You feeling any better?”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't realize how completely debilitating loud noises could be. I mean the ship engines were horrible but I only kind of remember that.”

“You'll get used to it. All the extremes will go down over time. In a decade or so you won't even remember it any other way.”

“A decade or so...” Laura frowned. “In a decade I should have graduated college, gotten a job, maybe settled down.”

Carmilla wondered if she'd been part of that plan. She wasn't sure how she felt about an oddly domestic life with Laura going off to work every day. What would she do? She'd honestly never really stopped to think about what she would do after the first fight with Mother. She'd been tired and had only wanted to recover, to be with Laura. The future had seemed very far away.

“There's nothing preventing you from still doing that, you know,” she offered.

Laura frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I'm a vampire. I can't tell you how many times I went through college. And it's feasible you could get a job after that. You'll want to do something to start putting money away for the future, anyway, though you're part of our family now so you'll have some access to our funds.”

“Oh.” Laura chewed on her lip, considering all this. “I'm not sure...I don't know what I want anymore.”

Carmilla gave her a small half-smile that she hoped was reassuring. “No need to figure it out right away.” She held her mug out to Laura. “Breakfast?”

Laura took the mug though wrinkled her nose at it slightly. “I still don't see how I'm ever going to get used to this stuff.”

“You will.”

Laura took a hesitant sip. “Well, it does taste a little better than yesterday for some reason.”

“See?” She watched Laura proceed to finish off her breakfast.

_Guess I need to get myself some more._

“Are there any plans for the rest of the day?” Laura asked.

“I thought we'd go outside, maybe try to work on getting you used to your speed and strength a little better.”

Laura actually looked enthusiastic. “That sounds like it could be fun.”

“Well, I'd rather not run out of glasses completely.”

Laura blushed. “Yeah, sorry about that.” She slid over to the edge of the bed and put the empty mug down on the floor before getting up and wandering over to the closet. They'd both been raiding the seemingly endless supply of clothing, though Carmilla suspected at some point they'd have to stop and do laundry.

_Maybe something Perry could actually help with._

Laura fished out a change of clothes and started pulling her shirt off. Carmilla looked away quickly, surprised. Laura had been pretty private since she'd regained self-awareness so this was new. Carmilla didn't turn back until it sounded like she was done. Laura looked almost apologetic, perhaps a little embarrassed.

“Sorry, I didn't think...”

_Is it really so easy for her to slip back into what we used to be?_

“Listen, Laura. About last night...” But she wasn't sure how to finish the thought. She didn't want to push Laura away, make things worse, but she couldn't let her think it had been something it hadn't been. If it really hadn't been. She wasn't even sure about that.

Laura stayed silent for a few minutes and at first Carmilla thought she was also at a loss for words but then she realized Laura was waiting for her to put her thoughts in order.

_She's trying to listen. I wish I had more to say. Why is this so hard?_

“I needed some help last night,” Laura said at last. “You helped me. That's what friends do, right?”

“Friends.” For some reason it had been the last thing she'd expected out of Laura's mouth.

“Yeah, I think that's the part we always got wrong. First we hated each other, then we were dating. We never really had a period of friendship. And maybe that was part of the problem. For us anyway.”

“So we're friends now?” Carmilla asked, sliding her legs off the bed to sit on the edge and raising her eyebrows at Laura.

“If you're okay with that.” Laura looked so sincere as she held out a hand to help Carmilla up. Carmilla didn't need the help, but she let Laura pull her up anyway.

“I think I can be okay with that.”

She held onto Laura's hand for perhaps a moment longer than she should have.

“Can we head out now?” Laura asked, eagerly.

_Oh right, vampire boot camp._

“Yeah, let me grab some fresh clothes and I'll meet you downstairs.”

Laura nodded and headed towards the door.

“Oh, you might want to avoid the kitchen. Your ginger nerd friend is passed out on the counter.”

Laura looked bewildered. “Are they okay?”

“Long night for everyone.”

Laura nodded and headed out, leaving Carmilla to change in peace.

She settled for browns and greys, clothes tight enough to not snag on things, but loose enough that she could move easily in them. She glanced at herself in the mirror, something she didn't let herself do often, and realized LaFontaine had been right that first night: she really didn't look like herself anymore. Maybe that was okay for a little longer, though.

Laura was in the white room when she found her downstairs. Apparently she'd managed to move her yellow pillow to the dry half of the room before the storm had picked up, but the rest of the bed was ruined.

“I know putting glass in windows in a room that holds a feral vampire would be really dumb, but this still seems like poor planning,” Laura said, regarding the mess.

Carmilla shrugged. “Mother had people to clean up her messes.”

“I never said thanks for getting me this.” Laura was hugging the yellow pillow to herself.

“Well, I thought maybe you needed something to remind you of home.” She didn't want to talk about it.

“I did.”

“Let's head out now.” Carmilla turned away and headed out the door to the hall leaving Laura to follow.

The were quiet passing the kitchen where LaFontaine hadn't seemed to have moved since Carmilla had last seen them.

“Is Perry okay?” Laura whispered as they headed out the front door.

“I think if she weren't that one would never have left her side.”

Laura nodded, agreeing.

Carmilla had found a pair of boots that actually fit her and slid them on, leaning against a railing on the front porch. After months of going barefoot or only wearing sandals it felt very odd to be in real shoes again. Strangely constricting.

“What now?” Laura had finished lacing up her own sneakers and was looking out into the light rain that was still falling.

“Now, I'm going to show you how to run.” Carmilla stretched. She should have had a little more blood maybe, but she thought she'd be okay.

_Could always steal some back from Laura._

She pushed _that_ thought aside.

“I'm not exactly sure how to run that fast,” Laura said, nervously. “Like do I have to say 'Vampire Powers Activate!' or something.” Laura struck a pose that caused Carmilla to cringe and drop her face into her palm.

“No, you should probably never do that ever. You're embarrassing our entire species right now.” Carmilla sighed. “Look, first let's walk over to the woods so no one can spot us and freak out even more, then we'll give this a go.”

They walked through the light rain in silence, Laura sometimes tilting her head back to enjoy the rain on her face.

_It's been so long since she's been free to walk around like this, to try to be anything like normal._

They reached the edge of the woods.

“So now what?”

“This isn't something you turn on and off, Laura. It's more like….” Carmilla frowned. How did you explain something you didn't even think about? “...the difference between walking and running, maybe. You don't 'activate' running mode, you move faster. It's natural.” She ran a hand back through her hair, brushing the damp locks out of her eyes. “Try running to that tree over there.”

Ten humiliating seconds later it was clear that wasn't going to cut it.

_I don't even remember Mother having to teach me all this. It came so naturally. I wonder if it has something to do with the orphaning, if baby vampires get the knowledge through the bond somehow. Or if Laura is so out of sync with her own nature that it's harder._

“Let's try something else,” she suggested.

“Sorry,” Laura said. “Maybe I'm trying too hard.” So far the best she'd managed was tripping over a root and falling forward at an alarming speed.

“I'm going to run this time. You're going to have to keep up.”

Laura looked alarmed. “What if I can't?”

Carmilla shrugged and smirked. “Guess you'll get left behind then, cutie.” She took off without waiting for Laura to respond, skimming through the forest to the tree she'd set as Laura's target and pausing briefly. She heard some faint noises behind her but took off again instead of turning to check. She repeated that pattern another three times, moving further into the woods and then pausing briefly each time until she finally stopped near a large boulder a little ways in.

Laura came flying behind her a second later, skidding to a stop and almost falling over.

“Whoa. That is seriously cool.” She grinned and Carmilla returned the grin, caught up in her obvious enjoyment.

“There are _some_ benefits to go along with all the doom and gloom,” she said, dryly. “Think you could do that again on your own?”

Laura braced herself like she was about to start running again and then relaxed. “I _think_ so. It's sort of like running plus.”

Carmilla snorted. “However you have to think of it.”

“Okay, I've got that down, what next?”

“I'm not completely sure one success qualifies as 'having it down',” Carmilla said, amused. She leaned back against the boulder, crossing her arms. “We'll see how you do when we run back in a bit.”

“So what next?” Laura was almost bouncing up and down.

_After where we were yesterday on the beach this is so bizarre._

_Maybe this is really what she needs though. Learning the good parts to balance out the bad._

_And maybe the physical proximity helped, too._ _Though that could be problematic._

“I was thinking maybe you should get a better grasp on your strength so you don't accidentally hug one of your little ginger pets to death.”

“Are we going to spar or something? Hah! I know krav maga so I can totally kick your ass now.” Laura looked pleased with herself.

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “No. You're going to break tree branches. Or not break them.” She'd actually given this part some thought.

“Huh?” Laura finger-combed back her wet hair.

“You need to be able to grab a tiny little thin branch on a tree and _not_ snap it. Conversely you should also know how to snap a much larger branch if you need to.”

“Oh.” Laura nodded to herself. “That sounds reasonable.” She looked around at the trees and giggled. “This suddenly feels like some sort of training montage with a monk on top of a mountain or something.”

“Just get to it.”

The next thirty minutes or so passed by pleasantly enough with Laura running around attempting not to massacre a bunch of innocent tree branches and then ripping off another branch that was practically a log and holding it up proudly.

“Good job, you killed the poor tree.” Carmilla said from where she was still leaning against the boulder.

She'd let her mind go blank for most of the time, enjoying being outside and free from worries for a few minutes. It felt like a relief after the past week or two.

“I think I'm getting the hang of this now,” Laura said. She circled back to stand in front of Carmilla, face and shirt smeared with dirt and rain. “What other cool powers do I get? Can I turn into a panther? Or light things on fire? Why don't you do that more often, by the way?”

“One question at a time.” Carmilla resisted the urge to wipe the dirt off Laura's face, fix her hair. The casual touching was the hardest to hold back from. “There's a good chance you'll be able to take on some animal form, but it generally doesn't manifest for a good long while. Sometimes up to a century. Same with the fire thing. You'll get more powers as you get older.”

“Do I get to choose what type of animal I turn into?”

Carmilla was tempted to ask what Laura would choose, but restrained herself. “No. But the theory is that there's usually some parallel in the nature of the person and the animal they become.”

“So you're a cat because you're lazy, ungrateful, and a total princess?” Laura teased.

Carmilla tried to look cross and mostly failed as Laura laughed at her.

_This feels so natural again. I'm not sure I should be okay with that._

“Is this how you got trained when you were a little vampire?” Laura asked.

“No. Mother was a lot more exacting a teacher than I am.”

“Yeah, I bet.” There was that tone of anger back in Laura's voice that made Carmilla want to flinch away from the conversation again.

“She...she wanted the best for me. And for Mattie originally. She expanded my world.”

“And kept you under her thumb.”

“And that, too.” Carmilla pushed off the rock and walked past Laura. “We should start heading back, but I want to stop somewhere on the way.” She glanced back at Laura. “You ready for some more running?”

Carmilla led them to a small forest cliff that gave a clear view down into the nearby town and crouched down to watch. Laura crouched next to her.

“What are we looking for?”

“Not sure.”

There was more movement on the streets than there should have been for this time of day. People should have been out fishing and minding the shops, not milling about in small groups.

“Something is definitely going on with them,” she muttered.

“Does it have to do with us?”

Carmilla shook her head. “Not sure, but it seems likely. Either way, I don't like it.”

“You mean you actually care about the people down there?” Laura sounded curious, not the way she did when she used to push Carmilla to fight for the greater good, but more like someone trying to put together a puzzle.

“Not really. But they're mine not to care about.” She shrugged. “I don't know how else to put it.”

“Is this some vampire territorial thing?”

“Probably.”

“You weren't really like that at Silas.”

“Silas was Mother's.” The only thing she'd had at Silas that had been 'hers' was Laura.

“This place was, too.”

“A long time ago. It's kind of been mine for the last year.” Even though she'd tried not to make it feel like home, not to get attached, there was something about the place that felt safe now. And someone or something down there was threatening that.

“Who's that?” Laura pointed.

There was a figure wrapped in a dark dress and veil who moved swiftly out of one building and down the street. It paused in the middle of the street and Carmilla thought that it turned to look straight at them. Her blood ran cold in her veins and she forgot how to move. Then the figure looked away and disappeared into another house.

“Carm? Who was that?” Laura didn't sound like she'd been affected the same way.

“I think that might be the source of the problems.” She stood up. “Who it is exactly I'm not sure, though. We should head back. I need to talk to Mattie about this.”

“Will Mattie be coming here?” She couldn't place Laura's tone. Somewhere between anger and fear perhaps.

“I'm not going to ask her to, but we'll see what she thinks of the situation.” She caught a glimpse of Laura's expression. “She can't control you anymore, you know. And you don't owe her anything.”

Laura nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

They headed back in silence, Carmilla starting to feel the lack of blood from earlier and Laura still struggling a little to keep up. Carmilla was lost in thought. Who had that been in the town? There was a likely answer, an obvious answer, but there was no way that could be possible. Right?

///////////////

Laura felt something akin to being out of breath when they reached the front steps of Carmilla's house. It wasn't that she was actually breathing hard, since she didn't even need to breathe (a concept she was having a hard time getting her lungs to understand), but there was that same feeling of having pushed herself a little too hard.

JP waved to them from where he was sitting on a chair on the porch. The chair hadn't been there previously so she assumed he'd dragged it out.

Things must be going really well inside.

Carmilla paused at the top step to look JP up and down before glancing at the front door, no doubt the same thoughts going through her mind. But then, it was really hard to know what was going through her mind these days. One minute things would be going well, almost like the old days, and then she'd shut down and pull away.

“Do I want to go in there?” Carmilla asked JP, her tone indicating that she knew she probably didn't.

“I think it should be alright now,” JP said, nervously. “LaFontaine and Miss Perry were having a bit of a disagreement earlier but things seem to be a lot quieter now.”

“I am really _so_ glad you all decided to show up, have I mentioned?” Carmilla muttered. She glanced back at Laura. “I'm going to get something to drink and head back to my room to avoid all the...human-ness...you're free to do whatever you'd like.”

_I want to do something with you._

_But I'm not sure you'd want that._

She weighed the options and decided that after the mostly nice day they'd had she'd rather not push it.

“I'd like to talk to JP for a little bit, if that's okay.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow as if surprised but then shrugged and nodded.

“Your time is your own, Laura. If you want to talk to the vampire Dewey Decimal system, be my guest.”

She met JP's gaze for a moment and something Laura couldn't quite understand passed between them before she vanished back into the house.

Laura came up and sat on the floor of the porch next to JP's chair. He jumped up immediately and tried to relinquish the chair to her but she waved him off.

“It's fine. It's sort of nice sitting down here.”

It was starting to get a little dark out and the view from the porch was quite pretty: the quaint dirt road, the dark green forest in the background, the distant colors of the town. She could see why Carmilla might like it. It was disconnected, yet not completely isolated. There was just enough life here to keep someone grounded.

“Did you want to discuss something with me, Miss Hollis?” JP asked after a few minutes.

Laura wondered if she was making him nervous.

“Well, first I wanted to say thanks. You know, for helping to take care of me when I was all...” She made a scrunched up growl face at him that seemed to alarm him more than anything.

“I...there's no need to thank me. We all take care of each other.”

Laura thought about Carmilla over the last few weeks. She'd been taking care of Laura, but who'd taken care of her?

“Well, thanks anyway.”

JP looked embarrassed so Laura let it go.

“Can I ask you about being a vampire?” Laura said, leaning back on her hands.

JP managed to look still more bewildered which Laura hadn't even thought possible.

“I...I suppose. I'm not sure how helpful I would be. Miss. Karnstein is far better suited to such questions.”

“Yeah, I know you're not a 'normal' vampire, whatever that means, but maybe I'm not exactly either. I guess...I guess I was wondering, do you mind it?”

“Being a vampire?”

“Yeah. Does it bother you?”

JP shut his eyes for a minute as if looking up the answer inside himself, a habit Laura had noticed he was somewhat prone to.

“I did not care for it when it made me attack LaFontaine. The idea that I might hurt them or someone else is...unwelcome. But it is definitely superior to being stuck inside a computer system.” He shuddered. “Or a card catalog.”

“And what about the living forever part?”

“I'd already lived a very long time before I ended up in this body. I suppose I was used to the idea already.”

“So how do you reconcile all the...you know, the violence, the nature of being a vampire with, well, the you-ness. Since you're the most unviolent person I know.”

“I suppose I try my best not to put myself in any situation where it might be a problem.” JP looked troubled. “I know that may not always be an option, but it's how I've chosen to proceed for now. LaFontaine has some hopes for adjusting the tranquilizer they used to subdue you and turning it into more of a sedative that could be taken during times of stress.”

Somehow the notion of a vampire sedative sounded unappealing.

“I guess no one has one set answer for any of this stuff,” she mused.

“Was there ever one set answer for how to live a good life as a human?” JP countered.

“That's surprisingly philosophical of you.”

_And not a bad point, either._

“I have a lot of philosophy books stored in my head.”

“If that's the case it's kind of amazing you and Carmilla aren't best friends.”

JP made a strangled noise. “I don't think Miss Karnstein much cares for me. She tolerates all of us, but you're the only one she...” He stopped and cleared his throat.

_That's not completely true._

Laura remembered Carmilla patting JP on the shoulder yesterday, and creeping past LaFontaine to let them sleep this morning. And how annoyed she'd seemed at someone messing around with 'her' villagers. It might not have been caring in the way the others were used to (not the way Laura was used to, either), but it was something more than the total apathy she pretended to.

“I still wonder if coming here was the best idea,” Laura said softly, hoping Carmilla was nowhere nearby inside where she could overhear.

“Miss Hollis, we didn't see that we had any choice. You were...”

“Yes, I know. I meant if there'd been another way to deal with that...with me. Carmilla had this place to herself, her private retreat. We ruined that. What right did we have?”

“If you'll allow me to express my opinion...” JP started hesitantly, waiting for Laura's nod before continuing. “I spent many years locked far away from any sort of real contact, ignored and forgotten. I can't imagine anyone ever choosing such a thing. Not for long. Not when they had things they clearly cared about.”

“It still should have been her decision to make.”

“We can always leave once you're ready. There is no reason she can't return to how things were before.”

Laura remembered the vague sense of uneasy stirring in the village earlier.

“I think there's still some things here we need to sort out.”

“And after that?”

“After that...”

_I told her we should try to be friends. And I think we should. But where do we go from there? I want her back, all of her. I haven't really figured out this immortality thing or that 'forever' is literal now and how much that can change things. But I also know that the idea of getting on a ship and sailing away without her sounds awful. Worse than what happened with Mattie._

_But it's not only my choice._

“After that I guess we'll see.”

They fell back into silence.

“Laura!” Perry's sharp tone made both vampires jump.

“Hey, Perry. What's up?” Laura leaned her head back to look at her. Perry stood in the door, arms crossed.

“I need you to do something. Now.” This was Perry's floor don voice that allowed for no arguments, even from vampires.

Laura stood up and dusted herself off. She was never sure how to deal with Perry anymore; sometimes she acted like old Perry: reluctant to embrace anything non-normal, a bit overly fond of rules, and with a proclivity for baking. And sometimes she seemed so cold and distant. And then there were the episodes, like what Laura suspected had happened last night. She didn't even want to think about what brought those on.

_Everything that happened to Perry happened because of me sticking my nose into Betty's disappearance. An entire domino effect of calamity._

“You need to go around the side of the house to the back and hide in the bushes near the back steps. Quietly.”

Well, that certainly had been the last thing she'd been expecting to hear.

“Uh, what?”

“ _Now._ ” Perry glared at her and then swept back into the house, not waiting for further questions.

Laura exchanged a confused look with JP.

“I guess I'd better go do that then?”

JP nodded. “Best not to argue with Miss Perry, I've found.”

“I wonder why I have to be quiet,” Laura mused, more to herself than JP as she went down the front steps.

There were high bushes growing all around the edge of the house, but there was a small amount of space between them and the actual house wall that allowed her to crouch down and stay hidden the whole way around. When she rounded the corner to the back of the house she slowed down, hearing something ahead.

“...well, I mean that's the obvious answer, but I don't think...”

It was Carmilla's voice, sounding frustrated and a bit tired.

Laura crept closer, watching her feet to make sure she didn't step on a twig or anything silly. Carmilla appeared to be sitting on the back steps, a phone pressed to one ear and her finger in her other ear, probably to allow her to focus on the conversation better.

“I don't think you need to do that. I think we can handle whatever it is that's going on.” Carmilla didn't sound sure.

_She must be talking to Mattie._

Laura felt a little odd listening in and also was really wondering _why_ Perry had sent her back here. Spying on Carmilla wasn't something she wanted to do.

“I'll let you know if anything else happens. Same time tomorrow?”

The call seemed to be finishing up and Laura wondered if she should slip away before there was a chance Carmilla noticed her. She thought she was pretty well hidden here, but her heart was pounding. Would Carmilla be able to hear it?

Carmilla hung up the phone and leaned her elbows back on the step above her with a sigh.

“Carmilla.” It was Perry's voice, sounding much in the same mood she'd swept onto the front porch with.

“Oh good. Exactly who I didn't want to talk to.”

“Too bad. We're talking. _Now_.”

Carmilla groaned. “And what would you do if I said no and left?”

“You won't.”

Carmilla pursed her lips as if considering leaving to prove a point, but didn't get up.

“Okay, fine. What'd you want to talk about?”

“Your Mother.”

Carmilla's entire body stiffened. “Yeah, I kind of figured. Can we...just...not?” It almost sounded like she was pleading.

Perry came to sit next to Carmilla on the steps, keeping some distance between them.

“I was there for those two days as well, you know. I still had some level of awareness even at that late stage.”

“I wondered.” Carmilla was looking away down the beach at where the ocean waves were still rough from the storm.

“The magical blood transfusion-replacement...thing...that sorceress set up was very unpleasant. Even though I'm glad it worked.”

Only the flicker in Carmilla's eyes betrayed that the words had any impact on her.

Laura had only sort of understood the whole process that they'd used to get the Dean's 'soul' or 'essence' or whatever it was out of Perry. Mattie had tracked down some super powerful elite sorceress she'd had dealings with before and she'd shown up with some giant contraption that looked for all the world like some sort of medical machine (all tubes and wires) etched with runes and set it up to do what she called a 'blood essence transfusion'. It was supposed to literally suck out the Dean's soul through her blood while replacing it with untainted blood that was strongly enchanted against re-possession.

Laura had never found out the particulars of how it all worked (LaFontaine had actually been banished from getting near it after they'd attempted to dismantle it minutes after they'd seen it) because Carmilla had kicked everyone out of the room and spent the full two days the spell/procedure had taken locked up in the small room not letting anyone in.

_And then while she was in there Laf told me about Danny and I wanted to storm in, but they made me wait. And I was so mad when she finally came out._

“I'm not sure what you want from me,” Carmilla said. Her voice was soft but tightly controlled.

“She talked to you for almost the full two days, I know. I got to hear your whole history. All the way back to when you were, uh, changed? Raised?”

Laura could almost see the tension radiating off of Carmilla now. It was fairly clear it was taking all her willpower to stay sitting there.

“And?”

Perry sighed. “I had her inside my mind for over a year, you know. I know what she was and what she wasn't. I know Laura and LaFontaine and probably even JP hate her. And I know you probably don't.”

“Nothing's that simple.”

“She didn't know how to love someone by traditional standards, I think,” Perry continued. “When you tried to run off with that girl, Ell, she felt betrayed. And she didn't know how to react reasonably.”

“We're not talking about that.” There was finality in Carmilla's tone.

“I'm not excusing her. But I also saw the good times. The trips to visit artist, concerts, museums, archeological digs. For someone who had such contempt for humans she also had a great deal of reverence for the things they made. She was made up of contradictions, your Mother.”

“Yes, she was. Is there some point to all this?”

Perry fiddled with her own fingers. “I wanted you to know that I didn't hate her completely, either. That I couldn't. Even after everything that happened.”

“Okay.”

“And that she lov...”

“ _Don't_.”

Perry nodded. “Okay. Well, that was all. And if you ever wanted to talk about it, I'd like to, too. But I understand if you don't.”

Carmilla was done, though. Her hands were clasped together between her knees, knuckles white, and her jaw clenched. Perry looked her over for a moment, her eyes sliding past to brush over Laura's hiding spot, and then she stood up, smoothing her shirt.

“I'm going to go cook dinner before LaFontaine lights the kitchen on fire. Should I bring you some..uh..blood out here?”

Carmilla shook her head. Perry nodded, her hand half-reaching out as if to touch her, but thought better of it and left.

Carmilla stayed still for a good ten minutes after Perry left before standing up slowly and walking away down to the beach. Laura wanted to follow her, say something, anything, but she didn't think that would be what Carmilla wanted right now.

Instead she leaned back against the side of the house and tried to process everything she'd heard.

_Carmilla's Mother loved her. She was awful and abusive and ruined everyone's lives, but she was...something else as well. To Carmilla at least._

She was remembering when she'd found Carmilla after she'd finally come out of the room Perry had been in for the transfusion. She'd been sitting curled in a ball in Laura's room, her back to the wall.

 _I was yelling about Danny and all she said was 'my Mother is dead'. And I was so mad, so,_ _so, so_ _mad, because Danny was dead and here Carmilla was talking about the monster responsible for all of it._

_I guess I never stopped to think about it from her point of view._

_I guess I never do._

_Maybe that's why she asked me to listen._

She stayed there until it was full dark and then slid back inside.

Carmilla didn't return for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm out of the hospital now (short one gallbladder...also, never ever get pancreatitis, kids. not even if someone offers you a million dollars and a hot girlfriend. I got told it's one of the three most painful things that can happen naturally to the human body and I believe it) and slowly getting back to reality. I actually walked around the block today and then spent three hours contemplating my death. Hopefully that means I'll be updating more regularly again, but I'm still pretty out of whack, so no promises.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed that. 
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/). Feel free to come say hey. I'm mostly sitting around whining about being in pain.
> 
> Off to go try and sort of the mess my life turned into after a week in the hospital (by which I mean play Firewatch).


	9. My Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would be being written faster if my body hadn't decided that it was necessary for me to sleep for 16 hours a day.

_You know sometimes I'm so carefree_  
_With a joy that's hard to hide_  
_And then sometimes it seems again that all I have is worry_  
_And then you're bound to see my other side_  
  
_But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good_  
_Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood_

_-Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, Nina Simone_

 

 

Through some miracle that Carmilla did not chose to look into, Perry had completely restored the white room. There was a brand new mattress on the bed, and clean sheets tucked in around it in a far neater fashion than LaFontaine had managed. The floors had been mopped and there were even fresh curtains hanging from the windows.

_When in the world did she have time for all this? And where the hell did she find curtains?_

“I suppose I'm back in here tonight,” Laura said, standing next to her in the doorway. “Probably for the best. You're a blanket hog.”

Which was about as blatant a lie as Carmilla had ever heard, but she let it go.

“You don't have to, you know, if you'd rather sleep somewhere with real windows and no bars on the door the bed's big enough for both of us.” The offer slipped out before she could really think it through.

Laura's smile made it worth it. “If you're okay with that. I think I'd rather not have to be back in here.”

“Of course.”

_No way this can possibly go wrong._

“I'll head upstairs and get ready for bed, then,” Laura said, moving away quickly as if afraid Carmilla would change her mind.

Carmilla watched her leave.

_Yeah, this is a terrible idea._

She shook her head and headed into the kitchen. LaFontaine was sitting at the counter with their truly ludicrous number of papers spread out everywhere. She hadn't seen JP and Perry in a little while and guessed they might have turned in early after the exciting previous night they'd all had.

“Is that all about vampires?” Carmilla asked, grabbing a half-finished mug of blood out of the fridge. She wasn't even sure whose it was anymore. Three vampires in the house was too much.

“Mostly, but not only. It's about stuff we've run into.”

“You're a lot more invested in research than you used to be. I mean, you were always kind of a nosy little weirdo, but this looks like some next-level scholarly research.”

“I needed something to distract me.”

Carmilla nodded. “I can see that.” She sat down, figuring she'd give Laura plenty of time to change before she even thought about venturing upstairs. “So what are you working on now? Not that I really care.”

LaFontaine rolled their eyes at her. “Uh-huh. Sure. And I'm looking over a bunch of stuff I printed up on Hastur before I came out here.”

She choked a little on her blood. “Hastur. Really.” Certainly not what she'd expected.

“There's surprisingly little information on him for a dude who is used so widely in pop culture.” LaFontaine tapped their pencil on the counter. “I did find a copy of the oldest known reference to him, though. Some short story by a guy named Ambrose Bierce from the late 1800's. Weird thing is, in the story Hastur is a pretty chill god.”

“I tend to doubt Hastur was even an actual god,” Carmilla said, sullenly. It was a pet peeve of hers, all these damned immortal creatures claiming godhood. “Probably just very old.”

“Well, whatever he was, in the story he spares some towns from being flooded because a nice shepherd asks him to be merciful.”

“That doesn't sound much like someone who creates a sword out of the bones of star-spawn that kills anyone who wields it.” Carmilla shrugged. “Legends are always over-rated.”

“It didn't kill you, either. You've held it twice now at least.” LaFontaine seemed overly-excited by whatever it was they were getting at.

“Yeah, well, special dispensation because I'm already dead?” She'd tried not to over-think it too much.

“Orrrrr, because you never actually killed anything with it.”

"That's another possibility.”

“So I always thought that was weird, like this super evil god...” LaFontaine paused as Carmilla narrowed her eyes. “...uh, god-like thing has this soul-destroying sword but it only destroys the user if they kill someone with it. Seems sort of useless in general, right?”

Carmilla would never admit that she was genuinely interested in where this was going but she could feel herself getting drawn in. It might be useful to know, especially considering how she saw the next few days going down.

“Yeah, I mean the sword would constantly be killing off all its owners and no one would want to use the damn thing in the first place.”

“Right. So I came up with two possibilities to explain that, based off the original story of Hastur and some other vague references JP helped me find.” They shuffled their notes around.

“First, it's a martyr sword. Something that's only used by someone selfless to kill great evils. A sword of the greater good.”

Carmilla titled her head to one side, considering. “I suppose that would make sense. And since I didn't kill the giant fish monster I failed at being a martyr.” She smirked. “Good. _So_ not my thing.”

LaFontaine snorted. “Says the person who almost died three times to save a college girl she's known what? A year and a half?”

“There's a big difference between saving the world and saving one person for selfish reasons.”

“Yeah, that was always one of the things I kind of admired about you.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “That I didn't give a flying fuck about the greater good?”

“Totally. Sort of refreshing considering the rest of this bunch.”

Carmilla laughed before she could stop herself. “Well, maybe after years of watching humans devise worse and more horrifying ways to kill each other I don't want to throw myself on my own sword for them.” She sighed, the humor gone now. “And I'm not someone fit to judge whether humanity continues to exist or not. I'm...content to sit on the sidelines and see where it all falls out.”

“You didn't want us to kill Lophii that one time because you were afraid of the repercussions. Though now that I think of it that probably had a lot more to do with us being in the blast radius.”

“Exactly.” Carmilla had finished her blood and dumped the empty mug in the sink. Knowing Perry would do the dishes eventually was truly inspiring. Mostly it inspired her to create more dirty dishes. “So what's your other theory about this sword?”

LaFontaine shook their head slightly as if to clear it. “Oh, right. The sword. So Hastur, like pre-Chambers and Lovecraft Hastur, wasn't some evil creep. He rewarded people who deserved to be rewarded. He wanted people to help each other and take care of those less fortunate. He wouldn't have been big on some super powerful all-destroying sword in general. And in some ways I think the martyr thing falls apart here. He rewarded selfless behavior, not punished it.”

“In other words, whoever uses the sword has to use it for the right reasons?” Carmilla shook her head. “How the hell am I still alive?”

“Well, you never killed anyone and you used it to protect people from harm despite the possible cost to yourself.”

Carmilla wrinkled her nose. “You're doing that thing Laura used to do where she made me sound like some sort of hero. I'm really not.”

“Maybe it's a matter of perception. You weren't wielding it out of malice.”

Carmilla drummed her fingers on the counter. “Maybe.” She bit her lip. “What do you think the chances are I could get away with it again? Especially if I actually killed someone with it?”

LaFontaine grinned. “I _knew_ you still had it. No one thought to look for it until weeks after you were gone, and Laura always thought that sketchy sorceress made off with it, but I knew it had to have been you.”

“Hmm, maybe I do have it, maybe I don't. You didn't answer my question.”

“Uh, I mean everything I've said here is only theories based on the very vague and scattered information we have on Hastur. For all I know the darker, more evil interpretation of him is correct. Either way I think it'll depend completely on the situation. Like, what exactly are you planning to do with it?”

“I'm still figuring this all out.” Carmilla played over everything she'd been told in her mind. “You know, I think maybe both interpretations of Hastur could be valid.”

“How so?”

“Well, let's say Hastur created the sword for some simple, idiotically-peaceful shepherd community to protect themselves. Then some other assholes get their hands on it and start self-destructing. It would follow that Hastur would develop a bit of a reputation.”

“That's not bad,” LaFontaine said, approvingly. “I like it.”

_It's something to think about, anyway. Because if what's down in town is what I think it is I'm going to have to get that damn sword out again._

“I'm heading to bed,” Carmilla announced, pushing away from the counter.

LaFontaine nodded, distracted by their notes again.

“If you...” Carmilla paused. “If you find anything else out about the sword, can you let me know? And only me. No need to upset Laura with this yet.”

LaFontaine pursed their lips. “Because your history with keeping things from her has worked out _so_ well for you both.” They sighed. “Yeah, I'll let you know.”

Carmilla left the kitchen, lost in thought. She really had no desire to use the damn sword again. Self-destruction wasn't high on her list of things to do this week. Would killing something threatening a bunch of theoretically-innocent people (mostly because one of them was her ex) be considered a selfless act?

Laura was already asleep when she got upstairs, curled in a ball on the far side of the bed, but Carmilla still went down the hall to the bathroom to get changed. It felt like the right thing to do.

She settled under the blankets on her side of the bed, uneasily. The bed was large enough that there was plenty of space between them, but she could feel Laura's presence like a line of heat down her spine.

_I am never going to get any sleep._

She'd almost fallen asleep hours later when Laura started crying. Carmilla had been aware she'd woken up a few minutes before and had been trying very hard to act like she was asleep herself. But she didn't have it in her to lie there and listen to her cry in the dark.

She rolled over onto her back and tugged on the bottom of Laura's tank top. Laura took the invitation and moved over to curl up against her side, burying her face in the side of Carmilla's neck. Carmilla didn't say anything and Laura didn't seem to want to talk about it so the silence hung between them.

A few minutes later Laura's crying fell off and turned back into the deep breathing of sleep.

_Now I have to figure out how I'm ever going to fall asleep like this._

She did fall asleep eventually though that brought its own set of problems.

 _Like most of her recent dreams she had this awareness that it actually was a dream. Laura's face above hers was blurred, features indistinct,_ _leaning in towards her, pulling her head to one side._

_She could feel Laura's mouth on her neck, pressing down just short of too hard. Her own breath was coming out in short pants, fingers clutching at the sheets below them._

_Laura's hands were everywhere at once, touching and stroking inside and out. She wanted to reach up and touch her, bury her hands in Laura's hair, pull her lips down against her own, but she couldn't move._

_The back of Laura's hand ran softly across her cheek and her breath came out in a silent whisper._

_“Laura.”_

_The blurred face above her shaped itself into a smile and then vanished downwards, leaving a trail of hot open-mouthed kisses down from her neck to her hipbones before pausing momentarily, a smile pressing into her skin._

_“I love you, Carm.”_

_And Carmilla felt her heart sink because now there was no way she could even pretend this was anything but a dream._

_But dream-Laura wasn't waiting anymore and had resumed her interrupted journey downwards, her breath warm on Carmilla's thigh and…_

Carmilla awoke with a start, her breathing heavy. She could still feel the tightness in her entire body, every inch of her begging for more. The only small mercy was Laura was no longer lying curled against her like last night.

_Fuck._

She gave herself a second to get her breathing under control and then quickly glanced over towards Laura's side of the bed. Her heart-rate rocketed back up.

Laura was sitting cross-legged on the far edge of the bed, watching her intently, pupils blown and mouth open ever so slightly. She looked ever inch like a new-born vampire about to succumb to all her instincts and jump Carmilla then and there.

Carmilla sat up, slowly.

“Laura?”

Laura's hands were resting on her knees, knuckles white from gripping so hard.

“I'm...I'm okay.” She didn't sound okay. “You were...I should have left right away, but I couldn't.”

Carmilla didn't know what to say, torn somewhere between embarrassment and suppressing the urge to close the distance between them. Right now she was fairly sure she'd give Laura anything she asked for and damn the consequences.

Laura leaned forward, landing on her hands and knees and moved across the bed towards her. Carmilla watched, breath stuck in her throat, unable to say anything or do anything to stop her. Laura crawled to her, planting a hand on either side of her legs, face so close. Carmilla swallowed and closed her eyes.

_I need to get a grip. I'm the more experienced vampire here. I need to be in control. Neither of us want this to happen like this._

_Why can't I move?_

Laura's breath was warm on her lips and she knew if she opened her eyes she'd see Laura only centimeters away, leaning in.

So she was shocked when Laura's warmth suddenly retreated. When she opened her eyes Laura had moved back away from her and was getting off the far side of the bed. She walked across the room without speaking, pausing only to grab a clean set of clothes before hurrying towards the door.

She paused in the door, clearly still fighting her own instincts but somehow winning.

“Sorry. I don't want to mess this up, either, you know.”

“I...thanks.” She wasn't completely sure what she was thanking her for, but Laura only nodded and vanished down the hall towards the bathroom.

Carmilla let herself fall backwards onto the bed.

“Fuck!”

_Well, this day is off to a great start._

She didn't move from the bed until Laura came back about twenty minutes later to drop her pajamas on the every-growing pile of clothes on the floor.

“I left you plenty of hot water.”

 _I bet_ _she_ _didn't use any hot water. I bet I won't either._

“Thanks.”

Laura nodded, face still flushed with embarrassment and hurried away. Carmilla waited until she was sure Laura was downstairs before she got up and took her own shower.

She felt a lot better once she'd had a (very cold) shower and was changed into some clean clothes. She chose an over-sized black muscle tank top and a pair of black jeans and when she looked in the mirror she could almost see herself as she'd been before. Sometime last night between her walk on the beach and her discussion with LaFontaine she'd made a decision and she felt right like this again. She needed to be herself again to go forward.

Everyone but Perry was in the kitchen when she got downstairs. It was odd seeing them all grouped there, almost like the old days again. Laura took up an unnecessarily-intent examination of the contents of her glass instead of meeting Carmilla's eyes.

_This is going to be really awkward later when we have to figure out where we're sleeping tonight._

_Maybe I can sleep in the bathroom._

“Good morning, Miss Karnstein,” JP said, cheerfully. “Did you sleep well?”

_Of course he'd ask that._

“Yeah, uh, fine.” She helped herself to her own breakfast and moved away into the back of the kitchen to look out over the water. The water had settled down almost completely from the storm now and there were boats out there again.

“Are you buddies still out there on their ship?” she asked LaFontaine as she returned to the main part of the kitchen.

“Uh, they sent a runner up to tell me they were moving out of the path of the storm. They'll be back in a week. Why? Did you want to make a dash for it?”

“I don't think that would help in the long run.” Carmilla sighed. “Are you sure they're actually coming back?” She'd actually been thinking about putting all of them on a boat and shipping them off to keep them out of whatever the hell was brewing down in the town.

Well, almost all of them. At least Laura.

“Mattie.” LaFontaine didn't have to elaborate on that point. They'd be back.

“Did you want us to leave when they get back?” Laura asked, speaking up for the first time.

“I'm assessing our options at the moment. Nothing else.” Carmilla ran her hand back through her hair.

_Training a baby vampire. Dealing with my ex. Fighting down yet another ancient evil. Juggling insane gingers. Dealing with my own past. I need a vacation from this vacation._

“Do you have a plan to deal with whatever big bad it is down there?” LaFontaine asked, glancing back and forth between her and Laura. Maybe they could tell something more than usual was up.

“I'm not big on plans.” Plans had always been more of Laura's thing, but there was no way she was putting Laura in the middle of this. “But I've got a couple ideas.”

“Like what? What's even going on down there? Who was that woman we saw yesterday?” Laura seemed to have slipped back into full investigation mode and Carmilla stifled a groan.

“I'm not completely sure yet.” She needed to push Laura off this path before she got too invested.

“I could help...”

“No!”

Everyone looked up at her, startled. Laura looked hurt.

“I mean...focus on the stuff we were doing yesterday. You need to be able to control the vampire stuff before you dive into anything more serious.”

“Okay.” Laura still sounded a bit let down.

_I'd rather have her upset with me then running face-first into danger yet again._

_Now I need to sort this out before she has a chance to do something dumb._

“Where's Perry?” LaFontaine looked surprised at the question.

“Uh, she was in one of the rooms over there looking down at the town with some binoculars she found.” They shrugged. “Kind of weird, but who am I to talk?”

Somehow this failed to surprise her. She left, ignoring Laura's sullen glare and LaFontaine's confused expression. At least JP wasn't causing her problems. The others should try to be more like JP.

Laura and JP followed her into the hall, but split off from her and headed back towards the front porch.

“Don't leave the property,” she called after them which earned another sulking frown from Laura though JP nodded agreeably.

She found Perry in a big room that had nothing in it but some furniture under dust-covers. As LaFontaine had mentioned Perry had found herself a pair of binoculars and was peering out the window with them.

“Hello, Carmilla,” she said, without looking away.

“Hey.” How had she known who it was? How many little fragments of Mother were actually still in there?

“I think several people in town died during the storm. They had some sort of funeral rites earlier and everyone went to the little graveyard.”

Carmilla walked over to stand next to her at the window. She could see further than Perry would have been able to with only her eyes, but the binoculars still beat vampire vision.

“Well, doesn't that sound promising.”

“That was earlier. Now everyone seems to be gathered in one of the large buildings, a town hall maybe? Their whole town was half-wrecked by that storm. Why isn't anyone cleaning it up?”

“Did you see her?” She didn't think she'd need to specify somehow.

“Yes. She knows we're here.”

“Yeah, I know.” Carmilla let out a long breath. “Which one of us do you think she's here for?”

“Which part of her?”

_She's pretty astute for someone who refused to believe I was a vampire for months._

“Both. Either.”

Perry didn't answer.

“Can I borrow those for a minute?” Carmilla asked, reaching for the binoculars. Perry handed them over.

Carmilla scanned the town, but no one seemed to be out on the streets. Everything was way too still down there.

_Maybe I can go down and spy on whatever meeting they're having. I wonder if...that thing...can sense me?_

“You know I'm going to have to deal with her, right?” she asked Perry.

“Obviously. And you know I'm going to be there when you do.”

“Yeah. Doesn't seem to be much of a way around that.”

Whatever that thing down there was she was fairly sure it had followed Perry here. And that it had something it wanted from both of them.

Hell, that was probably why Mattie had wanted Perry here. Put all the pieces in one place before the game started. Mattie could be entirely too much like Mother sometimes.

“LaFontaine won't approve.” Perry had to know that but she felt she needed to point it out.

“And Laura will?”

“Fair enough.” She sighed. “At least JP doesn't give me shit all the time.”

Perry smiled and it looked weird on her. She couldn't remember that last time she'd seen Perry really smile.

_I wasn't the only one locked up inside my own head for the last year._

_Maybe I should have brought Perry here with me._

“JP is...I'm glad he's around.”

_Considering that she used to barricade herself in rooms to avoid him, she's certainly come a long way with that._

“I think we may have to lie to them.” Carmilla had lowered her voice. Laura and JP both had vampire hearing and the porch wasn't that far away.

“If it comes to that, it comes to that.” Perry reached out for the binoculars and Carmilla handed them back. “But I'd rather not.”

“I won't let Laura go with us. She...she's not ready.”

“She's a vampire now, as everyone keeps reminding me. Wouldn't she be useful?”

Carmilla shifted. She wasn't sure how much of her desire to not involve Laura was genuinely because she didn't trust her to be able to control herself in a fight yet and how much was because she wanted to protect her.

“You can't protect her from everything,” Perry said as if she'd heard her thoughts.

“I know.” She sighed. “What about JP?”

“He's a vampire and he's been one for much longer than Laura.”

“Yeah, but he's...JP.” Carmilla wasn't sure how else to put it. He was probably the last person in this house she'd bring to a fight as backup.

“I only meant he can make up his own mind.”

“Fair enough.”

Perry was back to studying the town intensely.

“Anything new?” Carmilla asked without much hope.

“Nothing yet.”

Carmilla nodded to herself, chewing on her bottom lip. There was something else, but she'd been going back and forth on whether or not to bring it up at all.

“Listen. About what you were saying to me yesterday...”

Perry lowered her binoculars and turned to look at Carmilla, frowning. Clearly she hadn't been expecting her to bring it back up.

“I, uh, I don't want to talk about it. But if you needed to you should talk to Mattie,” Carmilla said slowly.

“I know she's not your favorite person,” Carmilla hurried on when Perry started scowling, “but she knows all my history and even more of Mother's than I do. And I don't think she'd mind. Well, she'd act like she did, but she wouldn't actually.” Carmilla ran a hand through her hair. “You don't have to, obviously, but I thought I'd mention it at least.”

Perry looked at her without expression for a long time, her overly-intense eyes disconcerting as always.

“I'll think about it,” she said finally, turning back to the window.

“Yeah, you do that.”

Carmilla was about to leave when Perry grabbed her arm. Carmilla pulled away, raising her eyebrows in disapproval. Why was Perry always so grabby?

“Wait. There's something...” Perry was looking at a different angle out the window now, turned sideways so it almost looked like she was staring at the side of the window frame. “He must have slipped past while we were talking….”

“What, who?” Carmilla crowded back into the window, engaging in a brief shoving match with Perry. She didn't see anything though.

“Oh god, he's probably at the front door.”

Carmilla's heart dropped.

“Laura.” She took off, ignoring Perry's questioning voice rising behind her.

Even with her vampire speed she still had to stop and deal with the door, and by the time she'd flung it open it was too late to do anything.

There was a man lying on the ground at the bottom of the stairs, his neck bent at an awkward angle and Laura was backing away slowly. JP stood frozen a few steps behind her.

“Laura…” Carmilla said cautiously.

Laura turned and Carmilla got a glimpse of her face before Laura vanished past her and back into the house running at full speed. Carmilla fought down the urge to run after her and rounded on JP.

“What happened? Exactly?” She could pretty much guess, but she needed to know for sure.

“I...um, there was a man, from the town, I believe. He came up and was yelling about monsters having killed his daughter. Miss Hollis and I were trying to reason with him and he...” JP motioned towards the ground and Carmilla saw the glint of a knife lying on the ground.

_I bet anything it's silver, too. This stinks like a set-up._

“Miss Hollis, I don't think she meant to but she grabbed him and...”

Carmilla remembered Laura standing in the kitchen with the broken remains of the glasses around her.

“Yeah, she didn't mean to.”

_This is going to destroy her._

_I knew it would happen sooner or later, but this is exactly what I don't need right now._

“Miss Karnstein?”

“What, JP?” she snapped.

“I, um, sorry, but I was wondering what we should do next?”

Carmilla looked up and saw LaFontaine and Perry were now crowded in the doorframe as well, faces pale. Everyone was looking at her as if they expected her to have all the answers somehow.

_Shit._

“Uhm, okay. We need to…” She paused, trying to force herself to think about it rationally rather than following her instincts and rushing off to find Laura. “LaFontaine and JP, get his body inside and hide it somewhere for now. Maybe that refrigerated crate? This whole thing feels like a set-up. Perry, I need you to keep an eye on the town. Let me know _immediately_ if anything changes down there. And lock all the damn doors.” She exhaled slowly. “I'm going to go find Laura. We'll regroup in an hour or two and I'll let you know what we're doing next.”

_After I figure it out myself._

She thought she'd have to search for Laura floor by floor, but it was almost as if she could feel Laura's emotional turbulence like a guiding beacon.

She descended the stairs to the basement, slowly, not wanting to frighten her off. Somehow it made perfect, horrible sense that Laura was sitting on the floor of that first cell, right under the dangling manacles that had rubbed Carmilla's wrists raw so many years ago.

Laura was curled up in a ball, back to the wall, rocking herself back and forth. Her eyes were wide, full of shock and horror.

“Can I come in?” Carmilla asked as softly as she could.

When Laura failed to respond she went to sit next to her, close but not touching.

_She's in shock._

“Laura, I need you to talk to me. Things are about to get really bad up there and I can't be worried about you on top of everything else.”

_When in doubt, just add to the giant pile of guilt she's already drowning under. Brilliant._

“He's dead, isn't he?” Laura asked, her voice flat, empty.

“Yeah, you snapped his neck.”

Laura made a tiny whimpering noise at the back of her throat.

“Look, cupcake, this was going to happen sooner or later. You're a vampire now. Vampires...we're like humans but we're not. We have this entire set of deeply primal instincts that most humans don't. When we have to act quickly, without thinking, those instincts tell us to kill. It's...not pretty, and it's something you can get better at controlling over time, but it's how things are.”

“My instincts made me do it?” Laura laughed bitterly. “I'm sure that makes that poor man and whatever part of his family is still alive feel so much better.”

“Did I say it was an excuse?” Carmilla sighed and bumped her head back against the wall. “I'm giving you the truth. You may not like it, but you can't fight against it this time. You are what you are. I am what I am.”

“We're monsters.”

Carmilla nodded. “Yeah. We are.”

“I don't want to be a monster.”

“It doesn't have to be all that you are.”

“But it will always be part of me.”

“Yes.” There was no way she could lie to her right now.

Laura fell back into silence, still gently rocking herself back and forth. Carmilla knew better than to even try and touch her right now. She'd seen the depth of self-loathing in Laura's eyes when she'd entered.

“How did you deal with it?” Laura asked at last.

Carmilla sighed, stretching her legs out in front of her. “I'm a very different person than you. It didn't bother me the same way.”

“So you, what, never felt a thing? You started killing without any regrets?” Laura sounded angry now.

_She's got too many emotions bottled up in there. They're going to start coming out and I guess I look like a good target._

_Well, wouldn't be the first time._

“No. I was upset the first time I killed someone, but I had Mother there and other vampires telling me that this was what we were, this is what we did. And I never had your...” Carmilla fumbled for words. “...There's this drive you've always had. This conviction that you can make things work. That the world can be better, that things can make sense. I never had that. So I never had to lose that.”

“How can you live like that?”

It was what she'd been expecting to hear from Laura since she'd first found out she'd been turned into a vampire: the understanding of vampiric nature and through it the utter rejection of everything they both were.

“I didn't have much of a choice.”

“Your Mother?”

Carmilla allowed a ghost of a smile to curve the edge of her lips. “No. I mean, I don't think Mother would have been too keen on me running off and hurling myself dramatically onto a bonfire, but in the end I think it's something you need to sort out with yourself.”

“I don't know how to do that.”

“You don't need to do it all at once.” Time was one thing they should have always had in great supply and yet it always felt like they were running out of it.

“A man's dead. _I_ killed him. I can't let that happen again.”

Carmilla thought about bringing up Vordenberg, but the situation was so vastly different that she worried it would only upset Laura to no end.

“We'll be careful. I'll do my best to keep you out of situations like that until you have more time to adjust.” It was that commitment Laura had asked her for on the beach the other day, but she didn't see that she had any choice but to offer it now.

“So you'll follow me around, locking me away from the world until I'm 'safe'?” Laura shook her head. “That's...awful. I don't want that. And I can't imagine you would either.” She turned her head and looked at Carmilla for the first time since she'd come in. “Why would you do that?”

_After all this time, she still doesn't get it. I went to the ends of the world to get away from her and the second she needed me I dropped everything, knocked down every wall I'd built up so carefully and let her back in. And she doesn't get it._

Expressing feelings had never been her strong point; she had difficulty saying the things she really meant. After all the books and plays and poems she should have learned how to verbalize an emotion without saying something outright. But she hadn't. So she didn't.

“Because I love you.” She regretted it the minute the words left her lips, but it was true. And it was the only reason she had to offer.

Laura froze, her rocking finally stilled.

“Even though I'm like this now?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

Carmilla's knuckles were white where they were gripping her own arms, nails digging into her skin. “Nothing you've done and nothing that's been done to you has ever changed that.”

_I shouldn't have told her that now. This wasn't the time for this._

Which was why she was completely taken aback when Laura was suddenly falling against her, body wracked with sobs. Carmilla gathered her in as best as she could, smoothing her hair back and rubbing one hand in circles on her back.

It brought back memories of the night in the library after the fight with Vordenberg.

_The world keeps breaking her again and again and all I can do is watch and pick up the pieces._

At least she was crying, though. It seemed healthier than where she'd been a few minutes ago.

When she'd finally cried herself out, Laura simply collapsed forward, ending up lying half on the ground, half in Carmilla's lap, her face red and puffy.

“You're always here when I need something,” Laura said, half-reaching a hand up as if to touch her face. She let her hand fall back away. “Who's there for you when you need something?”

Carmilla felt her throat constrict.

“I take care of myself.”

Carmilla didn't understand why that would cause so much pain in Laura's eyes.

“Tell me about your Mother.”

Well, that had been just about the last thing she'd been expecting right now.

“Uh, what did you want to know?”

“I don't know. Something from early on after you were turned. Something...nice.”

_Something nice? What in the world…._

“Uh, okay. Well, you know how after you were raised everything looked more...vivid?” She didn't have another word for it.

“Yeah, it was like I could see more colors than I'd been able to see before.” Laura was almost smiling at the memory.

Carmilla nodded. “I was so fascinated by that after the change. I would go around and stare at things for hours, getting lost in how brilliant everything looked.”

She smiled, remembering. “Mother thought it was a sign of how special I'd be. She always loved color and art and I think my appreciation for it even before the change was what drew her to me. Anyway, one day when she thought I would be able to control myself well enough in public she took us to this little church nearby where we were staying. There wasn't really anyone there that day, just a priest, but this church had these beautiful, enormous stained glass windows.” They still shone in her mind's eye as brightly as the day she'd seen them.

“So while mother kept the priest occupied in small talk I got to go and stand in the aisle. And the sunlight was coming through the window at the perfect angle and I was surrounded by all this warmth and color and...” Carmilla looked down at Laura. “...it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.”

“That was...really nice of her to do.” She could almost hear Laura working through the contradictions in her own mind.

“It was.” Some small part of her felt slightly more at ease than it had in over a year.

 _Why did she ask_ _though?_

“Carmilla!” It was Perry's voice calling from upstairs.

“I need to go,” Carmilla said, regretfully. “There's...something really bad about to happen and I need to deal with it before it gets out of hand.”

Laura was already sitting up, nodding.

“Do you know what you're going to do?”

Carmilla thought about the object she had hidden and wrapped up only a few feet from where they were now.

“I've got some ideas.” She pulled herself to her feet, stretching. She was surprised when Laura stood up right after her.

“Let's go find the others, then.” Laura reached her hand out, slowly, that slight fear that seemed ever-present lurking in the depths of her eyes.

Carmilla took her hand, marveling in how much she'd missed something so simple, so easy.

_It's for Laura. She needs the reassurance right now. We...we can sort this out later._

There they were, immortal creatures without any time at all.

She took a deep breath and led Laura out of the basement and into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the story about Hastur that LaFontaine mentions is completely a real thing and the full text of it can be found [here](http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/HaitShep.shtml). (I think my favorite part was when the little shepherd dude has this beautiful lady show up and be like 'let's be together forever' and his response is basically 'i wish you were a dude so we could wrestle'. I laughed a lot. Also the demon bears.) The other authors mentioned are Robert W Chambers and H P Lovecraft. 
> 
> In totally unrelated to anything news I beat Firewatch and now I kind of want to write a Hollstein AU about it. I love that I'm seeing some Hollstein/Firewatch art on tumblr already. Good stuff.
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/)


	10. When I Was A Stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The showdown you've probably been waiting for.
> 
> Also I'm half-asleep so I'm going to do a quick proofread whenever I wake up tomorrow for stupid stuff.

_When I was a stone_  
_No one knew that I was there_  
_I'd sing my song and_  
_No one ever really cared_  
_I went to the mountain_  
_Face all covered in tears_  
_I wept but_  
_The mountain didn't seem to hear_

 _So you are the only light I see_  
_You are the only light I need_  
_When everybody else is sleeping_  
_You come along and help me breathe_

_-Only Light, Cat Empire_

 

Everyone was sitting in the kitchen when Carmilla and Laura got back upstairs. It had sort of become _the_ gathering spot in the house somehow which was totally fine with Carmilla since the fridge and therefore all the snacks were there as well.

“Everyone in the town was starting to gather together in the street,” Perry said the minute they entered.

Carmilla had dropped Laura's hand as soon as they reached the top of the stairs and was now running her palm along her thigh, missing the warmth.

“Did they seem like they were in a hurry?”

Perry shook her head. “No, more like they were all drifting outside in their own time.”

At least they weren't in imminent danger of angry mobs with pitchforks. That was something anyway.

“Okay, let's keep this quick.” It felt weird to be the one giving orders, but Laura was being surprisingly quiet and watching her. Carmilla leaned against the fridge, trying to regain her usual arrogantly disaffected composure.

_Totally not selling it._

“There's something really evil down in the town and I need to go deal with it before anyone else ends up dead. Whatever it is has all the townsfolk riled up, possibly glamoured or something so there's a chance they'll get involved as well.”

LaFontaine raised their hand; Carmilla ignored it.

“So I'm going to go lure whatever that thing is into the woods and take care of the situation before it gets worse. In the meantime the rest of you are going to lock yourselves in here and try not to die.”

She left out the part about Perry coming with her. How Perry dealt with breaking that news to LaFontaine was her business.

“That's a terrible plan!” Laura said at once. “You can't go on your own, and what are you even going to do? Do you even know what that thing is?”

Carmilla grimaced. “I've got a couple of ideas. Both about what it is and how to deal with it.”

LaFontaine had put their hand down, glaring at Laura for jumping in front of their own question. “You know there's no way we're going to sit here while you go off on your own, right?”

“Well, _you_ definitely are,” Carmilla said, “since you're human. And Laura's too inexperienced. JP can do as he likes, though.”

JP paled and looked like he wanted to run from the room especially when LaFontaine glared at him.

“I could help,” Laura offered. “I'm immortal now, it's got to be good for something.”

“You can still be killed,” Carmilla pointed out. “And also there's going to be a lot of possessed humans running around out there. You don't want to hurt them.” She felt kind of like a dick bringing it up, but maybe it would make Laura stay put.

Laura drooped, her shoulders sagging. “No, I don't.”

“So that's settled. You're both staying here. I think you should lock yourselves in the white room and wait. This shouldn't take more than a couple hours.” It was mid-afternoon now but she knew on some instinctual level that whatever happened would start when the sun went down.

Perry had been busy at the stove this whole time, barely paying attention. Now she started handing out mugs of hot chocolate. Carmilla took hers without comment, grateful but not willing to admit it.

“That's it? That's your whole plan?” LaFontaine looked angry.

“Yeah, good plan, right?” Carmilla smirked at them. It had been awhile since she'd been able to enjoy a good smirk.

“It's not even a real plan! It's a bunch of vague ideas with no pertinent data!”

“Sweetie, calm down and drink you hot chocolate,” Perry told them with a vague pat on the arm. She looked distracted.

LaFontaine sipped their hot chocolate, indignant.

“What if you don't come back in a few hours?” Laura asked quietly. She was staring at her mug of chocolate.

Carmilla had been hoping to avoid that particular question.

“Then you all stay in here until the damn boat comes back and get off the island.”

That brought another round of loud protesting from LaFontaine, though Laura remained strangely quiet. Perry continued to pat LaFontaine on the back in an absent-minded fashion and JP looked like he was trying to hunch in on himself and disappear.

LaFontaine was halfway out of their seat, waving a butter knife in a slightly-threatening manner when their eyes suddenly rolled back and they pitched forward onto the counter. Perry caught them before their head could hit.

“That took slightly longer than expected,” she said, setting them down gently so they were resting against the counter.

“You drugged them?” Carmilla asked, impressed. She should have thought of that.

“That's terrible!” Laura looked genuinely horrified.

“They were never going to stay put otherwise,” Perry pointed out. “Especially not if they found out I was going.” She patted their back. “This way they'll wake up after everything's over and they're safe.”

“I think I would like to go die in the woods,” JP said, looking at LaFontaine's unconscious form. “That way I will not be present when they wake up.”

“Well, that makes everything simpler,” Carmilla said. “Laura you get to stay here and take care of them. The rest of us are headed out.”

“Perry's going?” Laura asked looking between them in confusion.

“She needs to.”

“Why?”

Carmilla unfolded and refolded her arms. “It's complicated.” She pushed off the fridge and headed for the kitchen door to stall any other questions. “You and JP should get the soon-to-be-homicidal ginger into the white room. I've got to go get something.”

She fled from the room and headed back down the stairs to the basement. Once down there she kicked aside some of the rotten boards to reveal a thin parcel wrapped in leather. She hadn't been worried about leaving it down here during the storm because, well, the damn thing had been underwater for hundreds of years so water wasn't going to really hurt it. One of the others finding it was more worrying.

She unwrapped it carefully, pulling out the leather sheath and holding it up gingerly by the long strap she'd attached to it. She'd even wrapped the obnoxiously shiny gold hilt with leather straps to make it less ostentatious.

“Try not to kill me,” she muttered to the blade of Hastur, slinging the strap over her shoulder so the sword rested against her back. She snapped a small clip she'd had added to secure it to her belt and keep it from bouncing around too much.

She turned around to head back upstairs and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Laura was standing at the foot of the stairs.

_She sure got down here quietly._

“Please don't say anything dramatic like 'I won't let you go'.” Carmilla said heading towards her, hoping to push past and up the stairs.

“Wait. Please.” Laura grabbed her arm when she tried to pass.

Carmilla let herself be stopped and backed away from the stairs a little with a sigh. She hadn't really thought she could take off without having to fight Laura about it, but she'd hoped maybe if she was fast enough…. Oh well.

“Laura. I'm going out there. That thing...”

“It's your Mother, isn't it?”

Carmilla leaned against the wall of the basement. “Partly, I think. I have a feeling it's not only her.”

“Who then? Or what?”

Carmilla exhaled. “Probably the sorceress we paid to un-possess Perry. You guys let her take away all that blood as part of the payment. I always thought that was a dumb idea, no matter how benign she claimed it would be.”

She'd wished Mattie had been around when that negotiation had gone down, but her sister had been off hunting down some of Mother's latest rogue children at the time.

“Is that why Perry has to go, too?” Laura had come over to stand in front of her, a little too much in her personal space for Carmilla's liking. She needed to focus now and focusing when Laura was this close was difficult.

“She's got some fragments of Mother left inside her. It's what that thing followed to get here. It probably wants them back and whatever is left of Mother may have some unfinished business with me as well.” She wondered if it hadn't been waiting for Perry to lead it to her.

Laura nodded to herself and ran her tongue over her lips. Carmilla tried not to be distracted by the motion.

“So Perry is the bait?”

“Something like that.” She hadn't really spoken with Perry about it, but she had this feeling that Perry _needed_ to be there for this and she was fairly sure Perry felt the same.

Of all the people she'd ever imagine having an unspoken understanding with Perry would have been dead last on the list.

“And you were just planning to run out there with some suicide sword and hope for the best?” Laura's voice caught a little in the middle, somewhere between anger and fear.

“Really not planning on dying again. Not my thing, cupcake.”

Laura reached out without warning and took one of Carmilla's hands between hers, turning it palm up and tracing the lines with a light brush of her fingertips. Carmilla watched, bemused, but didn't pull away.

“You're sure the sword won't kill you?”

“Not sure about anything.” She'd been trying to think of ways to kill the thing out there that didn't involve her using the sword directly. She'd even considered asking the ginger nerd if they could build some sort of elaborate Rube Goldberg trap scenario but had dismissed it as being too impractical. Plus she didn't plan to let the sword out of her sight.

“Carm.” Laura had stopped playing with her hand and was holding it tightly now. It was dark enough down here that Carmilla wouldn't have been able to see her face without her vampire night vision but as it was she could see the pure misery etched there.

“Please don't say anything as cliché as 'don't you dare die'.”

“I won't.”

“And you're not coming after me.”

“I know.”

She was winning this fight entirely too easily.

“What then?”

Laura responded by throwing her arms around her, pulling her slightly forward off the wall to get her hands behind her back. Carmilla stood stiffly in the circle of her arms for a second before relaxing enough to pat her on the back.

“Sorry. I keep thinking that I'm immortal now and I'm going to have to watch Perry and Laf and my dad and all my other friends die some day and...” Laura sighed. “It'd be nice to have someone around.”

Carmilla felt her heart clench, because Laura was talking about forever and here she wasn't even sure where they'd be tomorrow in this relationship. It seemed like a lot.

She couldn't bring herself to not want it, though.

“I told you, I'm not planning on dying. I'm...cleaning up Mother's mess. Mattie's been the one stuck doing that this whole time. It's my turn.”

Laura laughed against her. “You know I used to get so frustrated when you didn't want to help fight against whatever the big evil was and try to make things better. And now you're doing it voluntarily and all I can think is that I don't want you to.”

“Well, you're not the same person you were then.” She didn't mean the vampire part, either. Laura'd had a front row seat to loss now. “And listen, about Danny...” She didn't want to leave that hanging between them.

Laura pulled back a little but left her hands wrapped around Carmilla's upper arms. “Was that a vampire instincts thing? When you killed her?”

It would have been an easy out. “Partly. But I think it was also a lot of human instincts.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that...” Carmilla searched for words that wouldn't complicate this more than it already was. “...I wasn't thinking it was Danny. I was only thinking that it was you.”

“Oh.” Laura looked down at her feet. “You know Kirsch…killed me, right?”

“Yeah. Mattie didn't get there quite soon enough from what LaFontaine told me.”

“I keep thinking there had to be another way. That somehow there was a way for all of us to come out okay. But now Danny and Kirsch are dead and that's at least partly on me.”

“Laura...”

Laura shook her head, not looking up, but Carmilla could see tears were slipping down her face again.

_She never used to cry this much. Before she met me._

“Hey, it's alright,” she said, feeling useless. She was the one who wrapped her arms around Laura this time, pulling her in and tucking her under her chin.

“I don't know what I was supposed to do. And I thought that it would all be okay because even if Danny was a vampire she was still...alive? Undead? There was still something in there that was Danny and I could get her back. But then she was gone again and I couldn't do anything at all to stop it. There was nothing to fight back against.”

“I'm sorry you lost her again,” Carmilla said, choosing her words carefully.

“But you're not sorry you killed her?” It didn't sound like an accusation.

“No, I'm not. Because if I'd over-estimated my ability to stop her safely or she'd gotten free later….” Carmilla clenched her jaw. “The consequences of that weren't something I was willing to gamble with.”

“Okay.” Laura sounded like she'd stopped crying.

“Okay?”

“I wish we'd been able to talk about this a year ago,” Laura said instead of answering.

“Me, too.”

_I shouldn't have run off._

“I don't think that was really your fault, Carm.”

“Hey, you can't blame yourself for _everything_. Leave some guilt for the rest of us.”

Laura chuckled against her. “I'll try.”

“Now let me go deal with this mess.”

She pushed lightly against Laura to get her to stand back up fully. Laura moved away and then leaned back in to brush a kiss to her forehead.

“Go kick her ass.”

Carmilla smiled.

“Will do.”

“And when you get back...” Laura stepped away from her. “When you get back I'd like to hear what you wanted to tell me that night you left. I'd like it if...if you let me listen?”

Carmilla shut her eyes for a long second.

“Laura, I...” She took a deep breath. “Let's get through tonight for now, okay?”

Laura didn't look completely happy with her answer but she let it go. They headed back up the stairs together.

Perry was back in the kitchen with JP and a distinct lack of LaFontaine's unconscious body.

“I put them in the white room,” JP explained at Carmilla's glance. “I do hope they're not too angry when they wake up.”

“You still coming with us to the woods?” she asked.

“I...suppose?”

Carmilla took pity on him.

“Can I ask you a favor?”

JP nodded uncertainly. Carmilla drew him slightly aside, although she knew Laura would be able to hear. She hoped she got why she was doing this and didn't flip out.

“Look, I need you to stay here and keep an eye on the other two, okay? If the townspeople come to the house instead of coming after us we'll need you here to help.”

“I...oh...well, if you think that's wise.” JP sounded relieved.

“Yeah, I think that's wise. Now scram.”

“That was almost...nice of you,” Laura said, suspiciously.

“I didn't want him getting in the way and mucking things up out there,” Carmilla grumbled. “That's all.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You should go back with the others now,” Carmilla said, handing Laura the heavy key to the white room. “Perry and I need to take off before the townsfolk come up here and burn the house down around us or something.”

Laura took the key. “Okay. I...good luck.”

After their basement conversation any further goodbyes would have only been delaying the inevitable. Laura left the room with only one backwards glance. Carmilla tried to look confident but assumed she probably failed.

“You ready for this?” she asked Perry as soon as they were alone.

“I think so.” Perry was way more calm than Carmilla would have expected. In fact she'd been much more level-headed in general since the storm, like someone who finally understood everything and was at peace with it.

“Let's go then.”

“Wait, not until you put this on first.” Perry thrust a heavy flannel button-down at her. “It's going to get cold out there after the sun goes down.”

_Seriously?_

“Uh, gee, thanks,  _mom_.”

When her choice of words caught up with her there was a long awkward silence.

“Yeah, let's add that to the list of things we never talk about ever again,” Carmilla said, hastily taking the shirt and pulling off the sword rig so she could slide it on.

“Agreed.”

Carmilla made a stop on the way outside, ducking into the room that held the refrigerated crate.

“You're taking the corpse with us?” Perry asked, sounding more like her old bewildered self.

“I need to get their attention.” She found the knife the man had brought and tucked it into her belt. Then she opened the crate and heaved the corpse out and over her shoulder. “Why'd it have to be some huge guy?”

“Be sure to tell them to send you sacrificial pawns of a more reasonable size next time,” Perry snapped, clearly slightly upset with this whole development.

Carmilla grunted and headed towards the front door which Perry had to open for her. When they both stood on the lawn in the late afternoon sun Carmilla took a deep breath.

_Here we go._

“Head out to the woods. There's a boulder a little ways in, if you head in a straight line from here you should run right into it. Try and wait there. If you get lost don't worry too much, I can find you.”

Perry nodded. “I suppose you're going down to lure them away?”

“Yeah, I figured I'd make a statement with our friend here and then beat a retreat. An early Christmas delivery of corpses.”

“Okay. I'll see you soon then.” Perry turned away without another word and walked towards the woods. Carmilla watched until she reached the edge of the trees and then headed down towards the town.

It was a slow walk down to the town with the corpse; it wasn't that it was too heavy for her, just annoying.

There was no one on the edge of town when she got there but she could see people milling about further down the main road.

“Hey!” she yelled and then grimaced. She hated yelling like that. Quiet cynicism was far more her style.

She dropped the corpse onto the ground in front of her and pulled the knife out of her belt. It was silver like she'd guessed originally and looked slightly ceremonial. She had no doubt it would have killed Laura if he'd gotten his shot in.

Drawn by the noise a group of the villagers had come down the road and were massed nearby, regarding her with vacant eyes. A huge crow flapped down and landed on a nearby street sign, watching her.

“I came to return your little gift,” Carmilla said, directing her words to the crow as she gestured at the corpse. “It wasn't my style.” She hefted the knife in her hand. “Also, you can have this back.” She drove it into the ground in front of the corpse. “Mine's better.” She reached a hand over her shoulder to tap the hilt of the sword. And then she smirked and turned her back.

“I'll be in the woods waiting for you.” she called over her shoulder. “Leave your little puppets here and let's finish this. You, me, and the red-head.”

Her last glance at the crow showed it had tilted its head sideways to regard her.

_Well, at least that got their attention._

Her back itched all the way back to the woods but nothing came after her. She headed into the woods, trying not to think too much about what would come next. Perry had actually found the boulder and was sitting at the base of it when Carmilla arrived.

“How'd it go?” she asked.

“Apparently they don't give refunds.”

Perry pressed her mouth into a thin line. “Carmilla, you shouldn't joke about that. That man was someone's father or husband or friend. He deserves some respect.”

“For all I know he beat his children and killed puppies regularly,” Carmilla countered, coming over to lean on the boulder next to her.

“Well, even still.”

They fell into silence, watching the sun slowly sink down between the trees.

“How long do you think it'll be?” Perry asked.

“I think when the sun's done setting they'll come.”

“I should have brought something to drink. And brownies.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Only you would bring brownies to a fight.”

The sun sunk a little lower and Carmilla reached back over her shoulder to check that the sword was loose enough in its sheath that she'd be able to pull it out when she needed to.

“Carmilla.”

“Yeah?” It seemed to slide out easily enough and the leather straps actually made a better grip than the stupid metal hilt.

“If...if I don't get back you'll make sure LaFontaine gets away okay, right?”

Carmilla snorted. “I don't think I've ever met someone more able to take care of themselves than your friend.”

“Carmilla.”

“Yeah. I'll get them on a boat out of here. Though if you don't get back chances are I won't either.”

“Thank you.”

It was getting dark quickly now.

“If I don't...if this all goes south, make sure Laura gets back to Mattie. She won't want to but it'd be for the best for a little while anyway.”

“Okay.”

There really wasn't much else to say after that.

Carmilla wasn't completely sure when she picked up on it but she became aware that some of the darkness falling over the forest wasn't from the sun going down. It was like liquid dark was rolling through the trees, severely limiting her range of view.

“Shit. They're here.”

Perry stood up. “I don't see...”

But there were figures moving in the darkness now, indistinct shapes sliding in and out of the shadows.

_Too much to hope she'd actually leave the innocents out of this._

“Well, come on out,” she called out. “Let's get this over with!”

The darkness surged in all at once, surrounding her and blocking out all sight. She pushed off the boulder and spun around, ready to fend off unseen attackers. The darkness retreated enough to let her see the clearing.

Perry was gone.

_Of course. Why is nothing ever easy?_

Something came out of the fog and darkness at her, a large blunt blade of some sort swinging slowly in front of it. She dodged back easily and moved forward to disarm it but it had already vanished.

“Watch out!” There was a commotion behind her and she spun around to see a man sprawled on the ground, groaning. Laura stood over him, panting.

“He had a knife,” she explained.

Carmilla fought between annoyance and gratitude. And fear.

“Why are you here? I thought we were clear...”

Laura was nodding. “I know. But LaFontaine…. They woke up a little, but they were really groggy. But they made us let them out for a minute, to use the bathroom they said, and I thought it'd be fine because they could barely walk so what could they do? But they must have taken something? And they took off towards the woods so I went after them but I lost them and then I saw you and...”

“Hush.” Carmilla held up her hand, listening intently. Laura obediently lapsed into silence.

There were a lot of footsteps out there in the darkness and…she could _feel_ something else. Something very powerful. It was close but not coming closer.

“You need to get out of here,” she said softly to Laura.

“How?” Laura gestured at the darkness around them.

Another figure came flying out of the shadows and Carmilla grabbed at it, using its own momentum to send it crashing into the boulder. A tall woman toppled over onto the ground, stunned.

“Never mind, actually. Just...stay behind me, okay?”

“I can handle myself,” Laura said, pointing at the now-unconscious man at her feet as evidence.

“Yeah, that's great, cupcake, but I'm the one with the soul-destroying sword of doom.”

“Oh, right.” Laura moved a little closer to her. “Where's Perry?”

“Great question. Now will you be quiet?”

Laura scowled but fell silent. Carmilla tried to focus on the source of whatever the powerful thing out there was. Where was it stationed? She wondered if it had Perry.

“This way,” she said quietly, pulled on Laura's arm a little. She headed off in what she thought might be the right direction.

A few more shadowy people took swipes at them, but none of them seemed too serious.

_We're being herded._

There was a clearing up ahead is she remembered correctly. A nice place for a fight with some creature that seemed to thrive on being dramatic. She took Laura's hand so they wouldn't get separated and set out towards it. Her free hand stayed on the hilt of the sword.

As she neared the clearing she could tell there was a break in the darkness ahead.

_Looks like I was right._

“Wait on the edge,” she whispered in Laura's ear. “Do _not_ come after me.”

Laura nodded and dropped into a crouch when they hit the edge of the clearing. Carmilla squeezed her hand once and let go, walking forward alone.

The veiled figure she'd seen in the village the other day was standing alone in the center of the clearing.

_At least it doesn't have Perry._

_Unless it's already killed her._

“I think you were looking for me,” Carmilla drawled, walking forward to stop a few feet away. The figure was taller than her and wearing a black dress that almost seemed to be made of the same dark fog that was in the woods. It was also veiled with the same material so she couldn't see the face. Definitely female, but that was about all she could tell.

“Mircalla.” It's voice was a hiss, not her Mother's voice and yet she could hear an echo of it in there somewhere.

“Why, hello there, Mother. We've got to stop meeting like this.” Her hand was sweaty where she still gripped the sword hilt.

“Where is she?” it hissed. For a minute Carmilla thought it was talking about Laura but that wouldn't have made much sense.

_So Perry is still alive. Or this thing hasn't killed her anyway._

“She who? There's so many women running around these days it's hard to keep track of them all.” She fought down the urge to glance back and make sure Laura hadn't moved.

“ _Where is she?_ ” Its voice came out like nails on a chalkboard, making Carmilla fight not to cringe.

“I really don't know. If you hadn't filled the forest with this ridiculous magic trick of yours I would have had her with me.”

The thing made a snarling sound and took a step towards her. Carmilla backed up, her hand tightening on the sword hilt.

“I don't need you,” the thing said, voice changing again. It sounded less like Mother now but not unfamiliar.

“I don't supposed you'd consider taking your veil off?” Carmilla asked.

_I need to stall until Perry gets here. I'm not sure why, but I think I have to._

“Why?” It sounded suspicious.

“Well, you can see my face. Fair's fair.”

It seemed to consider her for a long moment and then the veil rippled and vanished to reveal a face. Carmilla allowed herself a mental smirk.

_I knew it was that damn sorceress. I never trusted her. What was Mattie thinking?_

But she looked vastly different from the last time Carmilla had seen her. Her face seemed almost patched together and bloated, pieces of other faces floating across it in a disturbing, ghostly fashion. Carmilla recognized some of them.

“So, our of curiosity, how much of Mother is in there still? Because clearly your plan to absorb her power or whatever idiotic thing you tried didn't work out quite as expected.”

The sorceress's eyes narrowed, which looked really bizarre on her face.

“It will be fine as soon as I get the missing piece. The spell didn't work because I was missing a piece.”

_Hah. Oops. Guess Perry's terrible last year worked out for the best._

She felt a weird sliver of pride that her Mother was fucking up the sorceress's plans on some level.

“Now _where is she?_ ” the sorceress hissed again with that voice that set Carmilla's teeth on edge.

“Right here.” And just like that Perry appeared out of the fog and was standing next to the sorceress, looking strangely relaxed.

The sorceress turned towards Perry, Carmilla momentarily deemed irrelevant, and reached out a claw-like hand towards her.

“I need something you have, child.” She had materialized a dagger in her other hand.

_Out of time._

Carmilla pulled the sword out, trying not to look at the blade. The whole thing was like looking through warped glass into a void.

“Oh, I think I do, but maybe not how you think,” Perry said and stepped in closer.

“Perry!” Carmilla called out in warning. Had she not seen the dagger?

But Perry was ignoring the half-raised dagger and her hand flew out to grab the sorceress's face, a flash of light coming from her palm.

_Is that her or Mother or both?_

_She was strong enough to summon a faerie queen once, sometimes I forget that._

Whoever was responsible for the light it seemed to have a profound effect on the sorceress who was hissing and trying to pry Perry's hand off her face, dagger forgotten. The struggle only lasted a second and then Perry's eyes rolled back in her head and she was dropping towards the forest floor.

There was a flash of movement and then Laura was there catching Perry and cradling her in her lap.

_Dammit, Laura! She would have been fine._

The sorceress didn't seem to have noticed Laura yet though as she was staggering backwards clutching at her face and hissing. Carmilla quickly moved around to place herself between the sorceress and the other two.

_This is exactly the sort of bullshit heroics I try to avoid._

There was a lot of noise outside the clearing but Carmilla didn't dare look away from the sorceress who was straightening up again. She lifted her face to stare at Carmilla and her mouth went dry.

“Mother.”

There was no doubt who was in control now.

“As if there was ever any doubt who would win out in the end,” the thing that was now mostly her Mother said.

“Fine, you've won. You don't need anything else here. Leave us alone.” It sounded like a weak plea even as it came out.

“Now why would I do that when I finally got back full control of this very useful body?” She was slowly moving her limbs as if adjusting to them.

“What do you want from me?” She hated how much she sounded like young girl who'd gone to a party one night only to end up dead. Her Mother always brought out that girl.

“Only the adoration of a grateful daughter that any parent would want, darling.” She smiled, sickeningly, at Carmilla, no trace of the sorceress left in her face now. “We have so much more to do still, Mircalla.”

Carmilla raised the sword. “I don't think that's something I'm really up for right now, sorry.”

Her Mother laughed. “Oh darling, we both know you'll never use that sword on me. You've had two opportunities now and both times you went for the knock out rather than the kill. Even if you weren't so worried about your own fragile little soul there's no way you could ever kill me.”

“Why don't we test that theory?” Carmilla said. In her heart she knew her Mother was right, though. She had no real desire to kill her, even now, and none at all to die herself.

“Go ahead.” Her Mother stepped closer, arms at her side.

Carmilla stood there, sword leveled at her Mother's heart, unable to move.

_I just need to push forward slightly and all our problems are over. I'll be free one way or another. Laura will be safe._

A memory floated through her mind: standing in the sunlight covered in colors. She'd glanced over at where Mother had been talking to the priest and Mother had smiled at her, her smile a promise of more such wonders to come.

She didn't move.

“That's what I thought,” her Mother said, smugly. “Now, I don't feel much like locking you in a coffin again as punishment, too dull and I wouldn't get to enjoy your misery. Something a little more effective this time, perhaps.” She looked past Carmilla at where Laura was still cradling Perry. “Maybe I'll take your new little playmate away.”

Carmilla felt her blood freeze.

“I won't kill her right away, of course,” her Mother continued. “Perhaps I'll lock her up and starve her for awhile and then set her loose on her loved ones. That's always so entertaining to watch.”

“You're not getting anywhere near her,” Carmilla said, she took a step towards her Mother, sword trembling in her hands.

“Carm...” Laura's voice was full of fear but she didn't think Laura was scared for herself.

“I'm sure I can make her suffer at least as long as your other little friend did, what was her name?”

Carmilla snarled and took another step closer.

“Carm!” Laura sounded terrified now and Carmilla could hear her standing up.

_No time. Never enough time._

_Sorry, Laura._

She took one more step forward so the point of the sword was almost touching her Mother's chest and started to pull back for a forward thrust.

Her Mother moved lightning fast and even though Carmilla had been expecting some sort of resistance it hadn't been anything like this. The darkness and fog that surrounded her Mother formed into long arms and reached out to wrap over Carmilla's hands on the sword, gripping the hilt and trapping the sword where it was.

“Let go,” her Mother said, calmly, authoritatively.

“Like hell I will,” Carmilla snarled trying to push the blade forward. It wouldn't move.

“Mircalla.”

Carmilla stopped struggling. There'd been something about her Mother's tone that sounded different. She looked up and saw, not the face that had looked down at her as the coffin lid slid into place, but the face that had smiled at her across the church that day so many years ago.

How could one person have two such different faces?

“Mircalla, let go.”

And she did, her limp hands sliding off the blade, her feet staggering back a step.

The shadow hands tightened their grip on the sword and Carmilla waited for the inevitable reversal of the blade, the blow to come.

_Sorry, Laura. I just gave up._

_Again._

_I'm not a fighter._

“Let's try to get this right, this time, shall we?” her Mother said, sword still pointed at her own chest. “Since you keep making a mess of it.”

And just like that the shadow arms thrust the sword forward and cleanly through her Mother's chest.

There was a rippling all around and the figure that was her Mother crumpled in on itself, shadows and fog boiling all around her. The sword shone brilliantly for a minute and all Carmilla could think about was LaFontaine's talking about it being a martyr sword.

_I'm no martyr._

_I never was._

She hadn't had to be this time.

The shadows surrounding her Mother dissipated and cleared leaving nothing, no corpse or cloth, behind. The sword fell to the ground and burst into ash, crumbling uselessly into the ground.

“Mother?” her voice sounded strange to her own ears, too high-pitched. She'd always wondered why, after her Mother had died, she'd never felt the bond break between them. Now she understood why. It felt like someone had ripped her insides out and she was bleeding to death from a thousand invisible wounds.

Her eyes were blurring from something and her knees had decided to stop supporting her weight and she was falling.

Someone caught her, cradling her gently. She looked up to see Laura's face.

“Carm, it's okay.” Laura sounded unsure. “You're okay, right?”

“She's gone,” Carmilla said, trying to explain what she was feeling in the only words that fit. “She's just gone. I can't...I can't feel her at all. I never even knew I could still but now I can't and… Why would she have done that? And now….” Her voice hitched on a sob. “She's gone. There's nothing there.”

“Hey, it's alright.” Laura was stroking her hair, rocking her back and forth. “I know. I do. I know how much it hurts and I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's going to be alright.”

Carmilla was clutching at Laura's shirt now with weak fingers, unsure whether she was laughing or crying.

“Carm, it's okay,” Laura said over and over again. “It's okay. I've got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there's 2 chapters left, or 1 chapter and an epilogue really.
> 
> This fic just passed Cold-Hearted to become my second-most-popular fic which makes me a little sad (I love Cold-Hearted fiercely) and a little happy because for some reason I can't explain writing this fic has meant a lot more to me than it usually does. I'm going to be devastated when I finish it, but I also am not going to make it longer than I think it needs to be. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you are all having a lovely week. Can't wait to hear what everyone thought. So many great commenters on this fic and I love you all.
> 
> [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/). I added a link of Hollstein fic recs to my blog description if y'all need something else to read.
> 
> Argh, also, courtesy spoiler, JP and Laf are fine. :P


	11. Though Every Thread Is Torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second-to-last chapter. Enter Mattie, stage fabulous.

_Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin_  
_Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in_  
_Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove_  
_Dance me to the end of love_

_-Dance Me To The End Of Love, Leonard Cohen_

 

 

Carmilla woke up to blinding white light and the smell of the ocean.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pretend that she was back before all this had happened, the morning when she'd last awoken here. But it was impossible to with the gaping hole she felt inside her, ripping her to shreds. She opened her eyes again, defeated.

She'd pulled the white sheet over her head before falling asleep and was still completely under it, lost in a formless white fabric world. Something touched her arm, lightly, and she flinched away from it. The touch retreated immediately.

“Carm? Are you awake?” It was Laura's voice which wasn't surprising since she'd been the only one Carmilla had tolerated to be in here for the last few days.

She pulled the sheet down enough that she could see the room. Laura was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at her, worry and exhaustion painted across her face. Some small part of Carmilla wanted to reach out and run her hands across Laura's face, smooth away the lines, but the empty weight that pressed down on her entire body wouldn't let her. How could hollowness feel so heavy?

“Think you might get out of bed today?” Laura was trying to sound cheerful, but it mostly sounded like she was pleading.

Carmilla rolled away from her, facing the wall with the windows, watching the curtains dance in the breeze. Some part of her hoped Laura would leave. Some other, needier part of her wanted Laura to refuse to be put off.

She felt Laura's hand in her hair, brushing it back and across the pillows. Memories flickered in her mind.

 _“_ _Mircalla, darling, you can't stay in here forever.” A hand stroked her hair back, gently, soothing her like she were a child._

Her hand shot out and grabbed Laura's wrist.

“Don't.” It was the first thing she'd said in over a day and her voice was hoarse.

“Sorry,” Laura said, trying to pull her wrist back.

Instead of letting her go Carmilla used her grip to tug her forward, towards her. Laura caught on after a second and let herself be pulled down to curl up on the bed behind Carmilla. Arms wrapped around her waist, and Laura pressed against her back, holding her close, but delicately, as if afraid she'd pull away at any second.

This was alright, though. She'd never curled up here with someone before. There were no memories that could be triggered from this. Laura breathed lightly on the back of her neck and Carmilla shut her eyes again, trying to let the simpleness of feeling another body against hers chase away the horrible ache inside her.

“Just tell me what to do, Carm,” Laura whispered near her ear.

“...stay.” It was the only thing she could ask for right now.

“I wouldn't leave you.”

Carmilla remembered the first night Laura had been stuck in this room, the way she'd fled and left her sitting in a pool of blood. The way she'd fled again the next night.

“I'm sorry,” she said, softly.

“For what?”

She shook her head, curling further back into Laura.

“For always leaving.”

Laura didn't answer but her arms tightened around her waist.

“I'm going to fall asleep if I stay here like this,” Laura murmured a minute later. Her voice sounded a little slurred. When had she even slept last?

“I don't mind.”

Laura was true to her word and her breathing evened out before much longer, her arms loosening a little as she slipped into sleep. Carmilla tried to follow her down into the dubious safety of unconsciousness but she couldn't. Maybe after two days spent sleeping almost constantly she'd finally run out of sleep.

She couldn't remember everything that had happened in the woods after Mother had died. Mostly she remembered staggering back, clinging to Laura like she were the only sane thing in the world. She'd been dimly aware of JP carrying Perry with LaFontaine hanging onto his arm for support.

Who would have thought Laura and JP would be the last ones standing in a fight?

When they'd gotten back to the house Laura had tried to get her to go upstairs, but she'd known that she couldn't do that. That she needed to go back to the white room. There was something inevitable about this room.

LaFontaine had tried to come in and talk to her once, but Laura had shooed them away. The little she'd gotten out of it implied that Perry was okay and Mattie kept trying to call for her on the satellite phone.

She didn't have it in her to care about either of these things.

Laura had only left the room once that she knew of. She'd woken to find her gone in the afternoon of the day after the fight, on a run to the kitchen to get blood or something. She couldn't know for sure what it had been about her expression when Laura came back that kept her from ever leaving Carmilla's side again, but she could hazard a guess it wasn't that different from the way Laura had looked sometimes when she'd first gotten here.

Since then, one of the others, usually JP, had been bringing in blood for them so Laura didn't have to leave.

Laura had barely been sleeping, but when she did she curled up on the edge of the bed, as far from Carmilla as she could get, giving her room. Carmilla had appreciated the gesture though she wasn't sure whether she wanted her so far away or not.

Lying in Laura's arms now made her wish she'd done this sooner. It didn't do anything to fill the gaping hole inside her, but it made it a tiny bit more bearable.

She stayed lying there while Laura slept, trying to blank her mind out. After an hour or two of nothingness she finally managed to slip back into sleep.

“...I don't think you should be here now...” The voice brought her back to consciousness.

Her first realization was that Laura was no longer pressed up against her. Her second was that it had been Laura's voice that woke her and she sounded furious and terrified.

Carmilla forced herself to sit up and turn around.

Laura was crouched on the edge of the bed, her whole body vibrating with some suppressed emotion. Mattie was standing a few feet away, looking at them both, a twisted smile on her lips.

When she felt the bed shift, Laura turned around to look back and Carmilla could see the pure agony caused by the flood of conflicting emotions that surely was running through her. She could see the echo of her own pain in the freshly reopened wounds of Laura's.

Maybe Laura hated Mattie and always had, but somehow she didn't think that made this any easier for her.

“Mattie,” she said, acknowledging her sister. She didn't want to deal with this, but the raw look in Laura's gaze was ripping her open even more and she needed to fix this. Having this feedback loop of grief wouldn't help either of them.

“Look who decided to join the land of the living again, figuratively speaking.” Mattie smiled brightly at her, ignoring Laura completely now.

Laura shrank back and Carmilla moved to sit behind her, looping her hands around her waist and resting her chin on her shoulder. She felt Laura relax a tiny bit at the contact, her hands coming down to rest over Carmilla's.

“Why are you here?” she asked her sister, trying for a curious tone rather than a hostile one. The words came out flat.

“I _told_ you on the phone that I was going to make a stop here to help deal with all this nonsense. And if you'd bothered to come to the phone in the last few days you'd have known I was close.”

“We dealt with the 'nonsense' just fine without you,” Laura growled.

_It's like she can't decide whether to be upset or angry with her and is trying a little of both on._

“So well that Mircalla ended up catatonic in one of Mother's old torture chambers, yes,” Mattie said, her sarcasm causing Laura to flinch again. She looked around the room. “Isn't there anywhere to sit in this dreadful place?”

The plain kitchen chair Carmilla had used to sit and read in was still along the wall but Mattie very deliberately refused to acknowledge it.

“You.” Mattie turned towards the door where JP had been peering around the door frame cautiously. He gave a squeak and almost fell over. “Fetch me a proper chair. Immediately.”

JP vanished, vampire fast.

“You can't come in here and start ordering people around like...” Laura started hotly. Mattie waved her off with a casual hand.

“Technically I own the place. Mircalla has been squatting here without even bothering to ask my permission.”

_She said she didn't mind. She's really set on pissing off Laura._

_Why do I have to put up with this now?_

“Mattie, I'm not ungrateful that you're here,” Carmilla said, trying to head off further arguments, “but Laura's right. We dealt with Mother. She's not coming back this time.”

JP popped back into the room dragging a brown leather armchair behind him that Carmilla swore she'd never seen before.

_Perry found it, I'd bet anything._

Mattie waited for JP to arrange the chair a polite distance from the bed and leave the room again before settling herself in. Carmilla could feel Laura getting stiffer in the circle of her arms.

“You can leave if you need,” she said in her ear as quietly as she could manage.

Laura shook her head slightly and leaned back against her.

“Now that I've got somewhere proper to sit perhaps you'd like to tell me what hare-brained ploy it was that you went after Mother with this time.”

“Same deal as before. Blade of Hastur.”

_Really, this is the third time. You'd think we'd come up with something more original._

_No wonder Mother knew I wouldn't kill her._

“That old thing again? Honestly, you are _so_ predictable.” Mattie leaned back into her chair, getting comfortable. “One of your little human pets told me some wild tale about Mother impaling herself on the ghastly thing.”

“That's more or less what happened,” Carmilla said.

Laura shifted against her. “More or less?”

“Yes, do fill us both in since this one apparently doesn't even have the capacity to understand what she saw with her own eyes,” Mattie cooed.

Laura tensed and Carmilla tightened her grip on her a little. The last thing she needed was Laura lunging at Mattie. No way would that end well.

“It was that damn sorceress you set us up with to get Mother out of Perry,” Carmilla said with a sigh. She'd removed her chin from Laura's shoulder to make talking easier but hadn't moved away. “She did something with Mother's blood and absorbed some part of her power or essence. But it wasn't complete. Some part of Mother must have still been stuck in Perry and the spell didn't work completely.”

“I _did_ warn you not to trust her,” Mattie said crossly.

“Well, I didn't make the bargain.”

LaFontaine and Laura had been the ones who'd decided that letting the sorceress take the blood away was a fair form of payment. They'd both been pretty desperate to get Perry back at the time.

“I'll never understand why you chose to surround yourself with idiots.”

Carmilla could feel Laura drawing in a breath to snap back at Mattie so she squeezed her again.

“Laura, don't,” she said, barely a whisper.

Laura looked disgusted but stayed silent. Carmilla looked back up to find Mattie watching them with a strange expression.

“Anyway, I think the sorceress planned to kill Perry to complete the spell, but Perry got a shot in first and restored some piece of Mother. I guess that let Mother take control, but...”

This is where it got a little tricky. When Perry had touched Mother it had been like the bond between her and Mother had flooded wide open.

“Mother…she wasn't….” Carmilla wasn't sure how to explain what she'd felt there. She hadn't even understood it at the time. “It was like someone scrapped butter off of bread and spread it on another piece and then another, over and over. A little bit gets left behind each time. She took full control over the sorceress but I don't think she could have held onto it for more than a few minutes. There wasn't enough of her left.”

“I can see her choosing destruction over enslavement,” Mattie said, thoughtfully. “It's entirely more reasonable than whatever your friends were babbling on about out there. They seemed to think she did it out of some noble sentiment.”

Carmilla snorted. “Really not her thing.”

_She did make me let go of the sword first._

She wouldn't tell Mattie that. Mattie might have had an explanation for it other than Mother not wanting her to die and Carmilla wasn't sure she wanted to hear that right now.

“I'm frankly impressed you carried this all off without half of you ending up dead,” Mattie said, examining her nails. “I was expecting to show up here in time for the funerals.”

“I think...I think Mother helped us a little.” She wasn't sure about this part. “Ever since that sorceress showed up I kept knowing things I couldn't have known. Like that I needed Perry to face her down. I think Mother was using the bond between us to drive things along.”

_Manipulative til the end. Though I guess it worked out for the best._

“You still had your bond with her?” Mattie looked startled.

“Yeah?” Carmilla frowned, confused. “I mean, she never actually died until now.”

Mattie shook her head. “Why do you think all her newer children have been going crazy all over? She must have purposefully cut ties with all her children to fake her own death this last time.” Mattie's eyes flicked up to meet hers. “Except you.”

“Why me?”

Mattie shrugged. “Well, you _were_ always her little favorite. Perhaps she thought she'd need you again.” She pursed her lips, thoughtfully. “That explains your little pity party here, then. The rest of us got to go through that last year.”

Carmilla had a hard time imagining Mattie being overly upset about Mother's death, bond or not.

“Though the bond between you two was always stronger after she reimposed it that one time. Maybe it hit you harder because of that.”

“Your Mother reimposed the hold she had on you?” Laura finally spoke up, sounding incredulous. “I thought she couldn't do that?”

“I said it wasn't done, not that it couldn't be done,” Carmilla clarified. “It was after I was in the coffin. It was the only way to snap me back to reality. And she backed off on it as soon as she could. I don't think she liked it very much either.”

“The stronger a child gets, the more the bond works both ways,” Mattie supplied. “Mother was very aware of that.”

_Well, I wasn't._

“And what if it's been broken completely?” Laura asked, tense again.

Mattie laughed. “Worried I'm going to rob you of your free will? Perish the thought. I want to be stuck with you even less than you want to be stuck with me.”

Laura made a noise somewhere between a whimper and a growl.

“Mattie,” Carmilla warned.

“Fine, fine. I won't upset your little toy anymore today.” Mattie stood up. “I'm not planning on sticking around much longer either. I thought I'd sail out tomorrow afternoon.”

“Could you take some passengers?” Carmilla asked.

“Planning on finally leaving, are you?”

She was aware that Laura was listening intently now, barely breathing.

“I'm...not sure. But the others at least.”

Mattie groaned. “I suppose I could, as long as the violent little ginger keeps their hands to themselves.”

“They will if I tell them to.” Probably a lie. She wondered how Mattie would deal with Perry's incessant need to clean everything. It might actually work out well, Mattie did like things tidy.

“I'm going to go and see if that weird little vampire butler you keep around can get me some proper refreshment,” Mattie said. “I'll talk more with you later?”

Carmilla nodded. “Later.”

Laura relaxed when Mattie left the room, slumping backwards against Carmilla.

“Why'd she have to show up?”

“She was trying to help.”

Mattie had been being suspiciously helpful with trying to sort out all of Mother's messes. Carmilla suspected it had a lot to do with her trying to take over all of Mother's old business interests.

“Are you going to leave with her tomorrow?” Laura's voice was painfully neutral, empty.

“I'm not sure what I'm doing yet.” She sighed, moving back away from Laura and further onto the bed. She was braced for some sort of rejoinder from Laura, demanding answers, pushing for a better response.

“I wonder where JP got the chair,” Laura said, staring at it.

 _Okay_ , _that wasn't what I was expecting._

“Probably Perry.”

Laura smiled. “She's got like a magical bag of holding or something.”

Carmilla wasn't completely sure what that was but she knew nerdy Laura when she heard her.

“She's full of surprises.”

_Just like Laura._

“So, what now?” Laura asked.

“I'm tired.”

She meant it in a way that was profoundly deeper than being sleepy. A month of sleep wouldn't cure the type of tiredness she felt now.

“Yeah. Me, too.” Laura's tone told her that she understood.

“I think I'm going to go back to sleep for a little while.” She shoved the sheets around, trying to untangle them.

“Should I stay?” Laura had half-turned and was watching her.

“If you'd like.”

“I'd like to, but only if you want me to.”

Carmilla looked up from the sheets to meet her gaze.

“Then stay.”

Laura smiled at her and for a moment the brokenness faded.

She fell asleep with Laura curled behind her.

She woke much later when it was full dark out and sat up to look out the window at the night ocean before turning back to look down at where Laura slept on, peacefully.

_She really was exhausted. The shock of killing that man, then everything in the woods, and then not sleeping for who knows how long when she was in here with me._

She was careful not to wake her when she crawled out of bed.

_I can't just leave her here like this, though. What if she wakes up and I'm gone?_

After the inconclusive discussion about whether she was leaving with Mattie that seemed like a bad idea.

Carmilla glanced down at herself, trying to think of something she could leave to say she was coming back. She was still wearing the same shirt and pants she'd been wearing when she went into the woods and didn't have anything else on her.

_Oh well._

She pulled her shirt off and dropped it down in the hollow next to Laura where she'd been sleeping moments before.

_I hope she understands._

She headed to the kitchen in only a bra and jeans.

The kitchen was dark and empty when she got there and she fumbled her way to the refrigerator to find some blood. It was still pretty well stocked and all the glasses and mugs were drying on a rack next to the sink. Sometimes having other people around wasn't the worst.

She was pouring a blood bag into a mug when a voice startled her.

“I wasn't aware optional shirt-wearing was the fashion these days.”

Carmilla smiled to herself and finished pouring before turning around to find Mattie leaning on the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen.

“What good is having a secluded beach home if you're going to ruin it with clothes the whole time?” she asked, teasing.

Mattie returned her smirk.

“I suppose I should be grateful you managed to put that much back on.”

Carmilla blinked at her, taking a moment to process the allegation.

“ _Really_ not what you're thinking, Mattie.”

Mattie raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

Carmilla sighed in frustration. “I'm being serious. We're still...working things out.”

“Was I wrong in thinking you didn't want her dead?”

Carmilla delayed answering by sipping the blood in her mug.

“No. I wouldn't have let you raise her if I'd been there because Laura didn't want it. But that doesn't mean it wasn't what I wanted.”

“That's fine with me, then.”

It bothered her a little that Mattie cared so little about what Laura might want, but then that was Mattie. She cared deeply about so few people.

“What happened to that fancy sword you keep waving about?” Mattie asked.

Carmilla shrugged, only half-remembering. “I think it burst into ash.”

“How convenient.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “I'm being serious, Mattie. I don't have the stupid thing hidden away. I think it short-circuited or maybe it only had one use left or something dumb. I don't know. Ask the science nerd; they probably have a better guess.”

“I suppose you don't really need it anymore with her being gone.”

She didn't need to specify who 'her' was.

“Yeah.” That gaping hold inside of her threatened to overwhelm her again. She focused on the floor at her feet, trying to keep the feelings from showing on her face.

She heard the sound of Mattie's heels on the tile, moving around the kitchen towards her and then arms were folding around her and pulling her in. She carefully clutched her mug to avoid spilling blood all over Mattie's expensive dress before letting herself rest in her sister's arms.

“If you wanted to talk about it...” Mattie said, leaving the invitation open.

“Maybe someday.”

“Whenever you need.” Mattie released her and moved away a few steps to lean on the counter next to her. “What's next for you then? I sensed you hadn't talked that over with your little...” Mattie paused at her look. “...with Laura yet.”

“I'm honestly not sure.”

“And how much of the 'not sure' has to do with these things you and...Laura are working out?”

“Some of it, but not all.”

“You never did know how to let yourself be happy. You always manage to confuse the matter, so afraid to speak up for your own needs that you let yourself drown in other's expectations.” Mattie shook her head. “It's okay to want things for yourself.”

“The last time I didn't get what I wanted I ran away and hid in a house on an almost-deserted island for almost a year.”

"Well, you're very bad at this.”

They shared a smile.

“She's...trying,” Carmilla said. “She really is. And I'm trying, too. We're both bad at this.”

“Well, you've got plenty of time to fuck it all up now.” Mattie reached out and stole her mug, sipping at it.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Honestly, Mircalla, if you want my opinion the two of you are already in a better place than you were from what little I saw. She was ready to attack me like some sort of wild animal and she backed off when you told her to. Maybe she's grown up a little.”

“Maybe.” The thought made her a little sad.

“I think you should stay here with her. Figure this whole thing out one way or the other. Otherwise I'm going to have to deal with you moping through our next trip across Europe. Which is happening whether you want it to or not, by the way.”

“How selfless of you.” Carmilla took her mug back. “I don't even know if she'd want to stay here with me. She still has a lot of things from her human life that she has ties to. She's going to need to sort those out.”

“Well, I'm not suggesting you take up permanent residence, darling. This place is dreary. Sort your issues out here and then sort out the rest.”

It wasn't a bad idea.

_The question is will Laura go for it?_

_And am I ready to try again?_

“I'm going back to sleep now. When are you leaving tomorrow?”

Mattie considered. “Maybe I'll wait one more day. Let you work out some things first. Would that help?”

There was a wave of relief at the words. “Yes. Thank you.”

When she got back to the white room Laura was still asleep. She reclaimed her shirt and slid back under the covers to sleep.

/////////////

Laura was sitting on the porch bannister with Perry's binoculars pressed to her eyes, her legs kicking back and forth slightly.

The village below had mostly gone back to 'normal' since the night in the woods. Everyone had seemed confused and upset but the feelings didn't appear to be particularly directed at any of the residents of the house. Perry and LaFontaine had even gone down and bought food from one of the shops with nothing more than curious glances directed at them.

Today there had been a funeral. Laura had watched it progress through the streets and up to the small cemetery on the hillside above the town. She hadn't cried again but her heart had clenched painfully through the whole thing.

She didn't deserve to cry for this.

“Still out here?” It was Perry's voice that made her lower the binoculars finally.

“Yeah.”

“Avoiding Mattie?”

Laura sighed. “Yeaaaah.” Was it that obvious?

“She's leaving tomorrow supposedly. We're getting a ride with her. LaFontaine and I. JP, too. And you maybe?” Perry was leaning on the railing next to her now.

“I'm...not sure yet.” Laura raised the binoculars again to avoid the question. “Everything seems normal down in town now. That's good. I'd have hated it if we'd been the cause of ruining these people's lives.”

“Laura,” Perry said. “Are you staying here with Carmilla?”

Laura groaned and lowered the glasses again. “I don't know.”

“Well, you'd better figure it out soon.”

“She...” Laura looked down past her gently kicking feet to the bushes below. “...she hasn't asked me to stay.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“No. I mean, I didn't want to make her feel obligated.”

“Maybe she assumed you knew it was an option.”

“Well, I don't know that. And she shouldn't assume.” Laura knew she was pouting now but really, if that were the case why wouldn't Carmilla bring it up?

“Maybe she's afraid you'll say no.”

Laura's hand on the bannister tightened, the wood creaking beneath her fingers.

“Well, she's dumb.”

Perry smiled a little.

“You seem to be doing a lot better,” Laura said to change the topic.

“Yes, well having the remains of an ancient evil vampire removed from my mind has been something of a relief.”

“How'd you know what to do in the woods that night, anyway?” It had been bothering her ever since she'd heard Carmilla relate the story to her sister.

Perry folded her hands and fiddled with her fingers. “Oh, I don't know. It felt like the right thing to do.”

 _I wonder if_ _Carmila's_ _Mother was manipulating her, too._

“I guess it all worked out okay in the end.” She glanced back towards the little graveyard above the town. “For almost everyone.”

“Laura...what happened to that man...”

“ _Don't_ tell me it wasn't my fault. It was. And I need to learn to live with that.”

Perry hesitated for a long moment and then nodded. “We all have a lot we need to learn to live with now. Just make sure you do.”

“I will.”

_I'm not sure how yet, but I need to find a way for myself. It won't be Carmilla's way, or Mattie's, or even JP's. It'll be mine._

Perry pushed off the railing and turned to head back inside the house.

“Perry, wait,” Laura called after her.

Perry hesitated and raised her eyebrows questioningly.

“I...could you help me set something up?”

///////////////

“Where are we going?” Carmilla had been a bit surprised when Laura had basically dragged her out of the middle of a conversation she'd been having with LaFontaine.

“You'll see.”

Carmilla scowled because apparently wherever it was involved going up the stairs and stairs were a bother. She was surprised when Laura led her to the second flight of stairs leading up to the top floor and shocked when Laura typed in the correct code on the keypad and pushed the door open.

“Where'd you get the code?” she asked, following Laura in.

“Mattie. Perry got it from her actually. So she could clean.”

Bemused, Carmilla followed her into the room full of books. It looked very much the same as always, but something was different.

The fireplace at the end of the room had been lit and the light from the flames were casting the room in a soft glow.

“Perry lit a fire, too?”

“I asked her to.”

Carmilla raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Laura shuffled her feet and looked adorably awkward. “I thought maybe you'd like to come up here, see all the books your Mother had brought here. And the fire makes the room seem more friendly, less empty.”

_She wanted me to come and look at Mother's books. Why?_

Carmilla moved away from Laura, slipping between the shelves, running a hand over the spines of the books. Laura hadn't been wrong the first time she'd been up here: the smell of parchment, leather, the glue used in the bindings, it was pervasive and comforting.

“I never understood why Mother was so quick to kill,” Carmilla said softly, stroking the soft leather spine of one giant tome. “She was so fascinated by the things that humans wrote and created but she killed easily and without thought.”

“Maybe she didn't associate the humans with what they produced,” Laura said, watching her from the end of the row.

“Maybe.” Mother and Mattie had always teased her for taking pity on poets and artists. But what if she'd killed them before they'd made their greatest creation? There had always been people surrounded by that glow of potential that she'd been so hesitant to harm.

Like Laura. She'd had so much life in her right from the first day. She might not have been an artist in the traditional sense of the word, but there'd been something about her that had made Carmilla want to watch and see what she was capable of.

“Mother used to get so excited when she found a particularly rare edition of a book,” Carmilla said, smiling at a memory. “Like she'd rescued it from some dark fate. Watching her handle a book so reverently was the strangest thing ever. She wasn't a gentle person usually.”

Carmilla glanced back at Laura and saw her almost bursting with something to say. She held back a laugh.

_She's trying so hard to listen now, but she's taking it too far, like everything else. Because she's Laura._

“You're going to pass out if you don't say whatever it is on your mind, creampuff,” she said, drifting back to stand in front of Laura.

“I don't want to...” Laura took a deep breath. “I'm trying to listen to your stories about her and not judge, but what she did to you...” Laura looked away, frowning. “What she did to you was horrible and wrong and you'll never convince me otherwise. I'm sorry. I'm trying to hear your side of things, but I can't get past that.”

“You're not wrong.”

Laura turned back to stare at her in confusion.

“Laura, I never thought my Mother was a saint. She was petty and manipulative and...” _Abusive._ “...a lot of other awful things. I would never ask you to discount that. But I do have these good memories of her and sometimes I want to talk about them. Because what she was and what she meant to me aren't necessarily always the same thing.”

“Oh.” Laura chewed her lip for a second, pondering that. “Oh,” she said again a small smile playing across her face. “That makes sense.” She sounded almost delighted with the realization. Her smile fell again. “That night, when you were waiting in my room, you wanted to talk to me about her. I'm sorry I didn't let you. I'm...I'm not used to people coming to me for help, you least of all. I didn't handle it well.”

Carmilla shut her eyes for a second, breathing out. “You were within your rights to be upset at the time. You'd lost your friend again. I shouldn't have run off. I should have stayed and tried to make things work.”

“About Danny...” Laura took a deep breath. “I think I'm always going to wonder if there wasn't some other way it could have turned out, but...” She shifted restlessly in the darkness of the book stacks. “...but, what you did to save me wasn't any different from what I did to save you from Vordenberg. The only difference is Danny was my friend and it hurt.”

Some of the hollow weight lifted from Carmilla's chest. “I'm sorry I hurt you.”

“Yeah, well, right back at you.”

They drifted into silence, unable to meet each other's eyes. Laura reached out and took one of her hands tugging on it a little.

“Let's go sit by the fire.”

Carmilla let herself be led across the room and they both settled down onto the soft rug in front of the fireplace.

“I'm a little surprised the fireplace and chimney were usable,” Laura said after another minute of silence.

“I had someone come out and do some basic renovations the second month I was here.” There'd been a lot of stuff that was falling apart and bugs kept getting in. She wasn't a fan of bugs.

“Ah, that makes sense.” Laura was drumming her fingers on her leg. Something was clearly on her mind.

“Are you going with Mattie tomorrow?” Carmilla asked, guessing that somehow this was the root of her restlessness.

“I was going to ask _you_ that.”

“Oh.” Carmilla sighed. “No. I'm...really tired. Like, beyond tired. I was thinking about staying out here for a while longer and recovering. I think...”

_I think I'll actually be able to rest now that we've talked._

She couldn't say that.

“Would you...” Laura stopped biting her lip.

“Do you want to stay with me?” The words fell out of Carmilla without her permission.

Laura turned to stare at her, surprised. “I...yeah. If you're okay with that. I don't want to stay here forever, I mean. I need to go back and deal with my dad and figure out what I'm going to do with, well, everything. But, I'm tired, too. It would be nice to rest for awhile. Figure things out.”

“Of course. I'm not staying here forever either. It's kind of dull.”

Laura giggled. “A little. But dull is alright for right now.”

Carmilla gathered the tattered remains of her courage. “It won't be as dull with you here.”

Laura froze and then her face split into a wide grin. “Oh yeah?”

Carmilla ducked her head, letting her hair hide her face. “Shut up.”

A hand brushed her hair back on one side of her face and somehow Laura had moved around and was kneeling between her legs, face inches away, the fire illuminating her from behind.

“Is this...is this okay?” Laura asked, hesitantly leaning in closer.

Carmilla swallowed and then raised her own hands to curl around the back of Laura's neck, tangling in her hair. “Yes. It's okay.”

Laura's lips met hers so softly she almost thought she was imagining it and she had to open her eyes a crack to reassure herself that she was there. And then she leaned in more, pulling Laura against her and kissing her desperately. She'd forgotten (or tried to) how soft Laura's lips were and how right they felt against her own. How having Laura's mouth against hers was enough to take away the breath she didn't need.

This was the feeling she'd been trying to find for the last year: somewhere between safety and panic.

Laura finally broke off the kiss and pulled back a little, letting her forehead rest against Carmilla's and her breath ghost against her face.

“I missed you so much.”

“Laura.” It was the only word she seemed to remember.

“And I missed the way you used to say my name.”

“How was that?” Carmilla was still trying to recover her rational thoughts.

“The way you just did. Like I'm the only thing in the world.” Laura closed her eyes, her fingers curling through Carmilla's hair. “It used to bother me a little, because I couldn't understand how you could see me so clearly and not see any of the things around us. But when you stopped I missed it more than I ever thought I would.”

Carmilla wasn't sure how to answer so she kissed her again, pushing forward into a slow, gentle kiss. Laura breathed her in like a source of life and when they finally pulled back Laura slipped her hands up forward to cradle Carmilla's face.

“I love you.”

And of course Laura would get the timing right. Carmilla had always said it in the middle of a fight or when things were awful, like it were a curse or a trap, but Laura had waited until the perfect moment.

_Why could I never say it at the right time?_

“I love you, too.” was all she could manage.

_It doesn't fix everything, but at least we have something to work for now._

Laura didn't give her time to verbalize any of that though because she was already leaning back in, meeting Carmilla's mouth again, demanding more. And then Carmilla was somehow on her back on the rug with Laura braced above her, their mouths still joined. Laura's hair made a curtain around their faces, only the flickering fire light getting through.

Laura pulled back and stayed there, looking down at her, drinking in the sight of her as if she were committing it to memory. And Carmilla knew she was doing the same, burning the image of Laura above her, surrounded by firelight, into her mind, a cherished moment to be taken out and viewed again and again like a dusty photograph.

“Can we...should we…?” Laura whispered.

Carmilla knew she was asking permission. She answered her by reaching up and pulling her back down into another kiss.

It should have been weird after all this time, the act of undressing each other. It should have been fumbling and awkward attempts to relearn each other. But there seemed to be some part of her that had never forgotten even an inch of Laura. And the sure way Laura's hands moved over her were all she needed to know that it was the same for her.

Laura naked in front of the fire was another image etched into her mind for eternity. And the look in Laura's eyes when she looked at her. Awe. She'd never done anything to deserve to have someone look at her like that.

And then Laura's hands were on her, all over her, running over every inch of her as if she couldn't touch her enough. Laura's lips pressed at her stomach, her breasts, her throat, and then returned to her mouth to swallow the small noises she was making. And when Laura's fingers finally slid into her nothing had ever felt so right. She knew she was supposed to feel excited, flushed, eager, and she did, she really did. But more than that she felt at peace. Safe.

She'd never had a real home but she imagined that going home should feel something like how she felt lying sweaty and spent in Laura's arms later.

“I love you,” Laura said again, her lips against Carmilla's forehead. Carmilla was lying across her chest, tucked in against her. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.”

“You told me. That's all that matters.” The uncertainty and insecurities she'd battled for so long all retreated further and further every time she heard Laura say it.

“You're supposed to say 'I love you, too',” Laura said, poking her in the side.

Carmilla pulled away, propping herself up on her arms above her. “Oh really? I didn't realize there was a script.”

She bent back down to press kisses to Laura's collar bone and then slowly trail more down her body.

“What're you doing?” Laura asked, curiously.

Carmilla almost rolled her eyes, because, honestly Laura?

She raised her head from Laura's hip bone just enough to meet her eyes. “I'm loving you.”

Laura smiled at her, nose wrinkling with suppressed laughter.

“Oh, well, please continue then.”

Carmilla shook her head, her hair trailing across Laura's body.

“What am I going to do with you?”

But she took Laura's breath away before she had time to answer.

Later when they were both lying tangled on the rug as the fire died down, Carmilla finally broke the spell they'd woven.

“So, you're not leaving with Mattie tomorrow?”

Laura shifted where she was lying on top of her, wrapping herself around her more tightly.

“I'm staying here with you, like I said. For now.”

“We still have a lot of stuff to talk about. Your whole future.”

“And yours.”

“And mine.”

“Yeah, I know. But...” Laura reached a hand up to play with a strand of Carmilla's hair, “...let's talk about that tomorrow after everyone's left. Once it's only us.”

Carmilla gave a small hum of agreement, letting her fingers trail up and down Laura's spine. “Tomorrow, then.”

“Yeah, for tonight only we don't have to think about that.” She sounded certain and Carmilla knew that this wasn't Laura trying to slip out of a much-needed talk that could end badly for them both, this was a promise that they _would_ talk and they would do this right.

But for this exact moment, that could wait.

“I can live with that.”

They lay there for a long time, comforted by the gentle rise and fall of each other's chests, the small touches and smiles, the dying flicker of the flames, and the scent of the paper and leather of the book shelves surrounding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the same song that's quoted at the beginning of the chapter. 
> 
> I listened to an aggressive amount of Leonard Cohen while writing this which was problematic because I once conditioned myself to fall asleep whenever I heard his music so I could get some rest on my 2 hour train commutes. This chapter was basically written between inadvertent naps. Also my damn cat dive-bombed me and shoved my laptop into one of my surgical wounds right in the middle of writing the last scene. I was like 'Dammit, Kitty, you've killed the mood. Hollstein will never bang now. I hope you're happy.' Kitty did not give a fuck.
> 
> Relationships between parents and children can be so complicated. It's important to me to stress that my intention in this story was never to justify anything Carmilla's mother may have done to her, but instead to look at how complex their relationship was and explore the edges of the horrible truth that there are sometimes genuinely good memories between an abuser and their victim. It makes the whole thing worse. What's important here is Carmilla getting Laura to realize the difference between what her mother did to her and how she felt about her. Carmilla isn't trying to romanticize her abuser, she's trying to come to terms with the memories she has, good and bad. I hope that comes across.
> 
> Last chapter should be done this weekend. Until then, come bug me on [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/).
> 
> (PSA: Both Laura and Carmilla had showers earlier that day. They do not subscribe to the Clarke Griffin school of hygiene.)


	12. To The Future

_As I am now,_  
_So you must be._  
_Prepare for death_  
_& follow me._

_-tombstone epitaph_

 

From where she was sitting on the back steps Carmilla could see the sleek outline of the small boat that had brought Mattie ashore. From her yacht.

Because apparently Mattie had a yacht now.

_Why am I even surprised at this?_

There'd been a lot of bustling and activity going on inside the house and she'd decided that it would be better to slip outside and avoid all the human _drama_ for a bit (ignoring the fact that Laura and JP were both vampires) and maybe finally get a little reading done as she'd barely gotten through half a book since the night LaFontaine had shown up on her porch.

The plan had been for Mattie to take off at noon today, accompanied by the ginger twins and JP, but somehow noon had kept getting pushed later and later by an endless list of last minute things that needed doing. Carmilla gave it maybe another half hour before Mattie lost her temper completely and left without them.

Laura had been trailing along after her friends all day, trying to get in as much time as possible before they left and giving them an extensive list of excuses to assure her father with should he show up at Silas looking for her. She'd barely spoken to Carmilla all day, only exchanging quick glances and smiles in passing.

It was better to wait until they had time to talk alone, to not complicate the issue of what they were with their nosy friends there to pry.

“Hey, check this out!”

A glass jar was thrust in front of Carmilla's face. She looked from the jar and its contents up to the excited face of LaFontaine who had somehow gotten out onto the steps without her noticing.

“It's a jar of dirt?”

LaFontaine shook the jar a little, looking annoyed.

“Noooo, it's the ashes of the Blade of Hastur. I went out into the woods and scraped up all I could find into a jar.”

_Of course they did._

“Why in the world would you want a jar of sword ashes? Conversation starter? Modern art exhibit?”

LaFontaine pulled the jar out from in front of her face finally, cradling it to themselves like it were precious.

“Research! If the sword was really made of the 'bones of star spawn' or whatever it was think how interesting it would be to put this under a magnifying glass, run some tests. Who knows what sort of weird properties it might have? Like, the way it kills people who use it. I want to see if that's something I can track down to a particular component.”

“I don't think I want to know what you'd do if you found it,” Carmilla said, slowly, drumming her fingers on the cover of her e-reader. She'd never really stopped to think about how potentially dangerous someone like LaFontaine could be if they got their hands on something big.

“Just...study it.”

“Well, try not to destroy the world while doing so.” That would be the ultimate irony: she and Laura finally getting their shit together only to have the ginger nerd blow up the planet.

“Wouldn't you be want to know about how it worked, though?” LaFontaine asked, incredulous. “It might tell you more about what happened to...about what happened in the woods.”

“Really rather not.”

LaFontaine scrunched up their face in confusion. “I don't get why...”

“LaFontaine, you need to go and carry your bag downstairs now,” Perry said, popping her head out the back door.

Carmilla breathed a sigh of relief as LaFontaine vanished back into the house though it was short-lived when Perry came over to her instead, sitting next to her.

“Listen, Carmilla, about you and Laura….”

_Oh god._

“No. Not something we're talking about, red.”

Perry pressed her mouth into a line. “I don't want her to spend years wasting away on some remote island because she's too afraid to lose you.”

_She goes right for the throat, doesn't she?_

“Uh, she's not going to? Laura's only planning to stay here for a little while.” They still needed to fully discuss what that entailed, but it was really none of Perry's business.

“Her father...”

“That's Laura's business. Not yours.”

Perry looked like she wanted to snap back at her but held it in.

_I guess it's because she cares about her, but this is so not what we need right now._

“LaFontaine is still quite displeased with me for the whole drugging them thing, which, really was only for their own good. And I'm going back to Silas with them now, not because I feel some obligation or guilt, but because I want to.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes.

“Comparing your situation to ours doesn't make it any less not your business.” She wondered if she should open her book and start reading again, maybe that would get the point across.

“That wasn't what I meant.” Perry scowled ferociously at the ocean. “Okay, maybe it was, but that's not the point.”

“Laura and I are discussing things. That's the best you're going to get.” And more than she'd even wanted to say. If she didn't still have that memory of Perry in the woods she probably wouldn't have said even that much.

“I suppose that's something,” Perry said, not sounding convinced.

Carmilla shrugged and opened her reader back up, intent on ignoring any and all gingers who tried to talk to her.

“Miss Perry, LaFontaine requires your assistance. They said you moved something of theirs and they can't find it now?” JP sounded apologetic.

“Oh, I wonder what that could be. I only put everything away where it belonged….” Perry stood up and vanished back into the house.

Carmilla lowered her reader, fully expecting JP to be the next one to come out and have a heart to heart with her. Instead JP gave her a nervous grin and wave and shut the door behind him as he went back inside.

_This is why he's the only tolerable one of the bunch._

Things lapsed back into silence for a little while and Carmilla actually got a few chapters into her book before the next round of interruptions.

“Are you stealing corpses again?” Carmilla asked when she saw the giant duffel bag LaFontaine hauled out onto the porch.

They looked up nervously. “Uh, no corpses this time. I did take some samples and stuff around the island though. You know, rain water from the storm, soil samples, a dead crow.”

“There's dead crows in there?” Perry's voice was almost a screech as she stumbled out onto the steps with her own bag.

“Only one,” LaFontaine muttered, defensively. “It was possibly one of the possessed crows. And it was already dead.”

“Can I help you with the bag, LaFontaine?” JP asked, joining the others on the steps. Carmilla got up and moved to the bottom of the stairs to give herself some room.

“Not until they take the crow out of there!”

“I'm not leaving without the crow! It's valuable scientific data! Maybe I could have looked into it more here if I hadn't spent half a day recovering from being drugged!”

“That doesn't even make sense!”

Carmilla met JP's eyes. He gave a small helpless shrug, scooped up both the red-heads' bags off the steps, and headed out down the beach towards the small private pier where Mattie's boat (and Carmilla's) was tied up. Carmilla considered joining him but decided that she'd be damned if they made her run away from her own house.

“If either of you want to not get left on the beach twiddling your thumbs then I suggest you get a move on it now.” Mattie was wearing another fabulous dress that looked very out of place on the island, her high-heels dangling from one hand. Laura had come outside behind her and was trying to shift away from her as subtly as possible.

Perry and LaFontaine stopped bickering and glanced at Mattie's no-nonsense face. They both cleared their throats and fixed their hair in awkward unison. Carmilla saw Laura's lips twitch at that.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye, then,” LaFontaine said, turning back to Carmilla and sticking out their hand. “Though somehow I'll be shocked if we don't see you again pretty soon.”

Carmilla looked at their hand as if expecting it to bite her and then grudgingly shook it once.

“It could happen.”

Perry went right for the hug and Carmilla stood stiffly, tolerating it as best she could while glaring at Laura's highly-amused expression.

“Do try and take care of each other,” Perry said. She sounded way too emotional for Carmilla to deal with and it was a relief when both of the gingers turned and followed JP's path down the beach towards the dock. Laura hurried after them, chattering about something to do with Silas.

“Are you sure about this?” Mattie asked as Carmilla watched them go.

“You were encouraging me to stay here with Laura only a day or so ago.”

Mattie drifted down the steps to stand next to her. “I did, but I worry about you in this place. It's never held very positive memories for any of us.”

Carmilla thought about her previous evening.

“There's some good in there with the bad.”

“And what will you do if it all falls apart again?”

Carmilla toed the ground. “I don't know? Go on a cross-Europe trip with you? Sail around the world in your yacht? Which, by the way, when the hell did you buy a yacht?”

Mattie smiled smugly. “At my age it was well past time to have a yacht.” She crossed her arms, her shoes still swinging from two fingers. “I hope this works out for you.”

“Yeah.” There wasn't much else to say on that topic.

They fell into silence, watching as Laura bustled around between her friends down on the docks, giving them all an unnecessary amount of hugs.

“It's almost like she hasn't changed at all,” Mattie murmured.

Carmilla frowned because how couldn't Mattie see it? There were differences there, and though they might be subtle, they were like a huge flashing neon sign to her. The way Laura moved a little faster, held herself a little tighter, the tense, almost predatory stance. She was still Laura, but she was something else now as well.

“Well, I should go and break up this little farewell party before the sun sets.” Mattie shifted, gathering herself.

Carmilla endured Mattie's hug far more gracefully than she'd managed with Perry.

“If you need anything I'm only a phone-call away,” Mattie said as she started off across the sand. “Make sure I see you soon or I'll come looking.”

“You'll see me soon.” The idea of leaving the island wasn't as terrifying as it had once been. Somewhere out there she had a life to piece together. Her eyes fell on Laura.

_With or without her, I need to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my forever._

Laura must have seen Mattie coming and was beating a retreat back towards the house. She tried to circle past Mattie but somehow Mattie managed to make it so they passed quite close to each other and paused briefly to say something that Carmilla couldn't quite hear. Laura's shoulders stiffened, her hands balling into fists and she said something back that looked angry. Mattie only laughed and walked away, her shoes slung loosely over one shoulder.

Laura still looked a little miffed when she made it back to Carmilla, coming to stand beside her and watch everyone piling onto the boat.

“Did Mattie give you the whole protective big sister speech?” Carmilla asked, unable to contain her curiosity.

Laura snorted. “Yeah, she sure did. What gives her the right?”

Carmilla fought down a smile. She didn't think that telling Laura that Mattie thought it necessary to give her any speech at all was a step in the right direction. Much better than Mattie blatantly ignoring her and talking over her head.

“She gets like that.” Carmilla managed, sliding her arm around Laura's shoulders without thinking. Laura shifted to lean against her, wrapping her own arm around Carmilla's waist. They stood there together and watched until the little boat had pulled away and was headed out across the water.

“Still got enough time to talk tonight?” Laura asked. The sun was starting to set.

“I've got nothing but time now.”

They ended up sitting across from each other at the central kitchen counter; somehow the kitchen was still the place for serious discussions. Laura sat with her chin resting in the palm of one hand propped up by her elbow on the counter, watching as Carmilla got up and poured blood into two mugs for them.

“Aw, you made me dinner.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Next time you can get it yourself.”

Laura took her mug with a smile but her face quickly smoothed back into a serious expression when Carmilla sat down again.

“So.”

“So.” Carmilla sipped her blood, hoping Laura's naturally loquacious nature would steer the conversation to start.

“I was thinking I'd stay here until the current semester as Silas is over. It's a few more months. Then I really need to go back and talk to my dad before he panics. Panics more.”

“Okay.”

“Carm, this isn't going to work if you stick to one-word answers.”

“Sorry.”

There was a silence where Laura just looked at her in exasperation until Carmilla finally broke down and chuckled.

“Sorry. I'm bad at this. I think you should definitely go back and see your dad. Okay?”

“I wanted you to come back with me when I did.”

Carmilla almost choked.

“ _Me?_ ”

_She wants me to talk to her dad with her?_

“He's going to be...upset about all...this.” Laura gestured at herself. “I think it might help if I brought another vampire along. Someone who could answer some of the zillions of questions he's going to have.”

“You make it sound like you're coming out to him or something.”

“Well, it's not completely unlike that.”

Carmilla sighed. “Oh, why not? He'll probably already want to murder me for dating his precious innocent daughter and I can only get staked once.”

“He'll like you.” Laura sounded sure.

“Hmmm.”

“I'd like to finish college, too, I think.”

“Not a bad idea. Degrees come in handy.”

“Did...if...if I go back to Silas would you come?” Laura was leaning across the counter a little now, intent.

Carmilla shifted under the weight of her stare. “I wouldn't be opposed to that, though I probably wouldn't go back as a student.”

“What would you do then?”

“I don't know. Get an apartment nearby, catch up on my reading. Take advantage of the Silas library.”

_Be with you._

“And I might not stay the whole time,” Carmilla quickly continued. “I...Mattie keeps saying something about taking some big trip so I might go and do that for a few months and then come back.”

Laura nodded thoughtfully. “That sounds good.”

Carmilla was relieved. She didn't really enjoy the idea of months away from Laura right now, but if they were really going to have the rest of the time in the world together they'd need time apart sometimes.

“And what about more long-term?” Laura asked the question neither of them really had an answer to.

“Laura, I...” Carmilla gripped her mug tight enough that she might have shattered it with a tiny bit more pressure.

Laura stayed silent, waiting.

Carmilla sighed. “I want to promise you forever. I want to say everything will work out and we'll spend eternity being hopelessly in love and living a luxurious life of immortal splendor. But forever isn't a promise anyone can realistically make. It doesn't take into account a million other things the universe could have in mind.” She paused to catch up with her own thoughts.

“So what are you saying?” Laura sounded unbelievably young at that moment and Carmilla remembered again that she was only twenty and the idea of eternity wasn't one she had any way of comprehending yet.

“What I'm saying is, I love you. I think I always will, but predicting the future is impossible especially when the future stretches on for centuries for us. So, I love you, but I won't promise you forever.”

Laura's face crumpled and Carmilla could see that fear rising in her again. The same fear she'd had these past weeks whenever Carmilla left a room.

“But I _will_ promise you for as long as we both can.”

Laura blinked back tears and shook her head. “I don't...I don't understand what that means.”

Carmilla reached across the table and took one of Laura's hands, running her fingers across her palm.

“What I'm saying is that at this precise moment in time I don't see any reason I'd ever want to leave you and I hope that never changes.”

Laura's fingers twitched under hers.

“Well, why would it ever?”

“I don't know. But I've learned not to make assumptions about things never happening.” She frowned. “After Ell died…. I didn't think I'd ever find someone else to love. I figured the earth would fall into the sun first.”

Laura was watching her, biting her bottom lip.

“And, obviously I was wrong. And being wrong was a good thing then. So what I'm saying is...” Carmilla sighed. “I'm really bad at this.”

That got a smile from Laura finally.

“No, you're not. You're being realistic again when I'm trying to dive right back into my world of stories and fairy-tale endings.”

“Maybe I'd like a fairy-tale ending, too.”

Laura wrapped her fingers around Carmilla's hand.

“I don't think you're wrong, though. Forever is a pretty extreme promise when forever is...well, _forever_.”

Carmilla nodded, relieved.

“But for as long as we both can, that isn't a bad thing. As long as we both can could end up being one more day or a million years. I'll take what I can get,” Laura said, slowly.

“Me, too.”

They stayed sitting together for a few minutes, playing with each other's fingers.

“I was thinking...” Laura started. She stopped and chewed on her lip again.

“Should I get some more blood?” Carmilla asked to give her the time to sort out her thoughts.

By the time she returned to the counter with fresh mugs of blood Laura looked ready. Carmilla smiled a little when Laura reached for her hand again.

“I was thinking that I'd like to take a year off college. Another year at this point, I guess. I'd like to travel somewhere. Everywhere.”

Carmilla nodded. “No reason not to. As I mentioned before you've got pretty good financial security from the family now. Mattie may have all the real cash, but neither of us are going to starve anytime soon.”

“Would you go with me?” Laura blurted out. “I mean, I know you've probably been like everywhere by now and it'll all be boring and repetitive, but I've never been anywhere at all and I don't know any of the languages or cultures or what to do or not do and...”

Carmilla squeezed her hand.

“Places change over time, just like people. Visiting the same place twice is never the same.”

“Does that mean you'll go?” Laura's whole face lit up.

“Obviously. Who would turn down a trip around the world with you?”

Laura grinned. “What if I invited Laf and Perry?”

“Oh, god. Laura, no. Do not.”

Laura laughed.

“So instead of talking about the super long-term, what about the super short-term? Like what're we going to do on this island for the next few months?” Laura asked.

Carmilla considered. “Well, you need to keep working on all your basic vampire skills, getting better control.”

Laura nodded looking slightly glum.

_She's thinking about the man she killed again._

_It's almost good that it happened so soon. Maybe it will head off a bigger tragedy down the road._

“And you're going to have to learn how to actually hunt and feed from a human without killing them.”

Laura paled a little. “Do I have to? I mean, what if I mess up? What if I kill someone?”

“Then you kill someone and you figure out what you did wrong so next time you don't.”

“Humans aren't some sort of disposable commodity I can go through to learn this!”

“Perhaps, but someday you'll need to know how and wouldn't it be better to learn here in controlled circumstances with me to guide you than if you were stuck somewhere on your own with no other option?”

Laura sighed. “I guess.”

Then her face transformed into a mischievous smile and she got up and came around the counter. Carmilla turned sideways on her stool to face her, only a little surprised when Laura pushed forward between her knees and leaned in to kiss her.

“What was that for?” Carmilla asked when they both pulled back.

“Nothing really. I was just thinking how normal and human this whole thing is with us sitting here in the kitchen like this talking about the future.”

“Sitting here drinking blood and talking about vampire things,” Carmilla pointed out.

“I know that,” Laura said, softly. She backed up a tiny bit. “I almost knocked LaFontaine down the stairs earlier by lightly bumping into them. They could have gotten really hurt. I...I get it. I'm not who I was and I need to figure out how to be who I am.”

“That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Figuring out who you are.”

“I know. And...I want the person I'm going to be to be better. Better at listening and understanding. Better at not making messes. And...and better for you. For us.”

Carmilla swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Laura, you don't have to be better. You don't have to be...”

Laura cut her off with another kiss.

“You told me we were monsters,” Laura said, gently. “And I think you're right. But you also said it didn't have to be all we were.”

“It doesn't.” She'd never been more sure of that than at this second.

“Then we won't let it be, okay?”

It was so strange to hear it put so simply. Mother had always reinforced the depths of her vampiric nature at every available opportunity all the while clinging to art and literature like some sort of safety net. But without Mother here maybe she'd finally get to figure out exactly who she was on her own, and what she was capable of. Figure out the balance between the monstrous and the wonderous.

_With or without Laura, I owe myself that much._

_I'd just rather it be with her._

“Okay.” The one word wasn't enough to express everything she was feeling but it would have to do.

“Good. Now if we've finished solving all the world's problems, can we go to bed?”

It wasn't all the answers but it was a damn good start and they'd have several months (and then all the time ever) to sort out the rest. It was enough for now.

“You tired already?” Carmilla asked, sliding off the stool. Laura slipped her hands around her waist, stepping into her.

“Not yet, but I hope to be.”

_Well then._

“I'll have to see what I can do about that.” She let her arms slide around Laura as well and for a little while they stood there in the darkened kitchen, wrapped together. Then Laura pulled away and took her hand and they left to head upstairs, moving together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't completely sure if this chapter was even necessary to the story, but I wanted to add a little more of a sense of closure, a sense of where the future might go and how they might look at it together. I don't have any specific plans to write for this particular AU again but if I ever get inspiration it could happen.
> 
> The quote at the beginning is a tombstone epitaph whose origins I couldn't pinpoint. I got it from a shirt that my mother mailed me as a get-well present. That's right, my mom sent me a tombstone epitaph on a shirt to wish me a speedy recovery. Priceless. If anyone knows the original source, let me know and I'll credit it correctly. The oldest reference to it I've seen is from Canterbury in the 1300's. I enjoy how completely maudlin and dreary it is and how, in this context, it can read as completely the reverse of that. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it. It may have been my favorite fic to write yet and the comments have been so mind-blowingly excellent and great to engage with.
> 
> So, what next? I still have this vague idea about a Firewatch AU that could happen. I also had another idea the other day that would let me play even more with traditional vampire lore, something along the lines of Laura ending up inside a time bubble where Carmilla's family ruled from their vampire court. It would likely be ridiculous. I don't know. If either of those are appealing to anyone let me know. I may also take a break from writing for awhile. I keep meaning to. I've been halfway through 'Maplecroft' since I started writing in September and I really need to finish that. Writing takes all my brain space.
> 
> (Also, if you're reading Radioactive I swear it's going to update soon. The whole thing is actually written already. Soon.)
> 
> As always, I am on [tumblr](http://asleepinawell.tumblr.com/) where I am generally around for random chatting about Carmilla, Hollstein, more Hollstein, and anything vaguely nerdy.


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